FOR HIM MAGAZINE AUGUST 2006
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OKES J M O O R R A B A nun and a priest are traveling across the desert when the camel they’ve been riding dies. After being stranded for several days, they give up hope of being rescued. “Before I die, I’d like to see a woman naked,” the priest says. “Sister, would you take off your clothes so I can look at you?” The nun hesitates, but grants the man his last wish. Once nude, the nun says, “Actually, Father, I’ve never seen a man naked. Would you strip down?” The priest gets nude, and the nun exclaims, “Father, what is that thing hanging between your legs?” “It’s a gift from God,” the priest replies. “If I put it in you, it creates life.” “Forget about me,” the nun says. “Stick it in the camel’s ass and let’s get the hell out of here!” Sean Eldridge, Bridgeport, CT
m o .c S U M H F @ s r e t t le JOKE OF THE MONTH! A little boy living in the country hates his family’s outhouse—which sits on the edge of a creek—because it’s hot in the summer, cold in the winter and always reeks. One spring day, there’s a huge rain shower and the creek swells. The boy decides this is his chance to get rid of the stink shack, so he grabs a sturdy stick and begins pushing it. Finally, he tips the outhouse into the creek and it floats away. That night, the boy’s dad tells him to prepare for a spanking.
“What did I do wrong?” the boy asks. “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today,” the father replies. “It was you, wasn’t it, son?” The boy admits to the deed, then adds, “I learned in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get in trouble because he told his dad the truth.” “But, son,” the father says, “Washington’s dad wasn’t in the cherry tree.” Geoff Langston, Terre Haute, IN
During an interview for a switch-operator position at the railroad, the chief engineer asks a job candidate, “What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on track one and the Southern Central was going south on the same track?” “I would definitely call my brother,” the interviewee responds. “Why on earth would you call your brother?” the chief engineer asks. “Because he’s never seen a train wreck before,” the applicant replies. Steven Burt, Cape Coral, FL
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AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
QUICK HIT! What’s the difference between a porcupine and a stretch limo? The porcupine has pricks on the outside William Lansing, Overland Park, KS
One Saturday, an older man and a hot young woman walk into an expensive fur store. “Show the lady your finest mink coat!” the man demands of the owner. The owner retrieves the store’s best mink. The young woman tries it on and loves it. “Sir,” the owner whispers to the man, “that fur costs $50,000.” “No problem,” the man replies. ‘I’ll write you a check!” “You can pick up the coat on Monday, after the check clears,” the owner says. On Monday, the man returns to the store on his own. “How dare you show your face in here!” the owner screams. “There wasn’t a penny in your account.”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” the man says with a smile. “But I wanted to thank you for the best weekend of my life!” Jon Hardwick, Joliet, IL
MAKE US LAUGH! It’s time to return the favor by sending us your best gags. Joke of the Month earns $200; the rest that we print get $50. Mail to: Bar Room Jokes, FHM, 110 Fifth Ave., New York, NY 10011, or submit to FHMUS.com/jokes
ILLU S T R AT I O N S B Y NIS H A NT CHOK SI
A man is having a pint of beer in a bar when a gremlin comes in and gets a drink. The gremlin downs his beverage, then runs down the bar, sticks his head in the man’s beer and shakes it around. The man is confused, yet entertained. The creature gets another drink, then runs over to stick his head in the man’s beer and shake it around again. After the gremlin repeats this once more, the man finally loses his patience, grabs the beastie by the scruff of his neck and yells, “If you stick your head in my beer one more time, I’ll rip your dick off!” “I don’t have one,” the gremlin replies. “If you don’t have one,” the man asks, “how do you piss?” “Like this,” says the gremlin before sticking his head in the man’s beer and shaking it around. Kyle Winston, Scottsbluff, NE
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BE E YOUR Y UR OW OWN M N MAN
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BE YOUR OWN MAN
WOODS
GETTING TO THE GREEN
ar-5 holes are the best opportunity you have at an eagle on most courses. Improve your chances by bringing your hands down on the club a bit for a little more control. Keep the ball aligned
P
off of your front foot to make it easier for you to get the ball in the air. And remember to keep your tempo even. Don’t try to kill the ball; it’ll get there all by itself. PHOTOGRAPHY BY PERRY HAGOPIAN
How to club an eagle, by FHM golf columnist and LPGA star Natalie Gulbis
QUEEN OF CLUBS
S T Y LI N G B Y RU T H K A H N; H A I R A ND M A K E U P B Y M A R Y RO CKWO OD - C R A B T R EE FO R E NV Y A R T I S T S ; HA I R C A R E B Y K I E H L’ S ; CO S M E T I C S B Y CHR I S TI A N D I O R ; S H I R T A N D S K I R T B Y AD I DA S
NATALIE GULBIS
FHMUS.COM AUGUST 2006
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BE YOUR OWN MAN
SWINGS
STEP UP TO THE PLATE
Johan Santana has hitters figured out before they can adjust their jocks
pitch to a lot of batters. And when it comes to remembering every hitter’s patterns, I’m like my own computer. I remember sequences, pitch counts, everything—like the speed and location of a pitch a guy hits hard. From there I make adjustments. When I strike a hitter out, I know how they swung and what kind of approach they took. It helps that every pitch I throw is on video or on a game chart, so I can study what happened during every outing.
Tipping your cap Having cameras everywhere that keep track of everything you do can also be a huge disadvantage. A pitcher can make the smallest gesture FHM COLUMNIST on the mound before he throws a particular pitch. He may not even be aware that he’s developed this tick. Some guys stand on one side of the rubber when they want to throw a breaking ball. Others move their head, shake their finger or drop their hand when they’re changing their grip. Hitters and coaches will pick it up right away and take advantage. But it’s a two-way street. I watch everything on a hitter from head to I’m like toe. I know when they’re trying to my own extend their arms to try to go the computer. I other way. I know when they’re remember looking for a fastball because they try to stay back in the box. If they extend sequences, their legs in a swing or if they get in pitch front of a ball, I can tell just what type counts, of pitch they’re looking for. From that, you decide on your next pitch. everything
JOHAN SANTANA
46 A U G U S T 2 0 0 6 F H M U S . C O M
Making changes As the game progresses and you get into situations where you have runners on base, you don’t want to make too many adjustments. You want to be aggressive and use your best pitch. Stay with whatever pitch is working until you know that hitters are getting comfortable or they’ve made adjustments. That’s when I adjust myself. I never pitch a hitter the same way. I also don’t hide any pitches from a batter until late in the game. I’ll throw everything I’ve got at anytime to any hitter. My job is to get that guy out.
Making mistakes If I throw a guy a certain pitch and he hits it, it’s not a mistake. A mistake to me is when I try to throw a pitch inside and the ball runs over the middle of the plate and the batter gets a hit. I didn’t throw the pitch to the location where I wanted it. Throwing a good pitch the way you want it and giving up a hit—whether it’s a single or a home run—is not a mistake. I think that’s good hitting. But I’ll go back and throw that same pitch again, and if they hit it again, well, maybe then I have to do something else.
I L LU S T R AT I O N B Y S TA N WAT T S ; S A N TA NA H E A D S H OT B Y A ND RE W A LVA R EZ / G ET T Y IM AG ES
I
ANT INSTD M WISJim KoOch brewed
In 1984, in his kitchen s Sam Adam family recipe. By d from an ol ’85, his company ’s the end of hed 500 barrels sales reac day, it’s over To per year. illion. 1m
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BE YOUR OWN MAN
Q&A
THE BREWMASTER
With four new beers out for summer, Sam Adams founder Jim Koch is in a talkative mood—though it’s roosters, unicorns and mules he wants to talk about
Your new beers are inspired by Sam Adams’s fellow brewer-patriots Washington, Madison and Jefferson. Why should anyone care about old-timey suds? Number one, it’s pretty tasty. Back in the colonies, they made beers to maximize flavor, not to minimize it. Number two, they used some pretty cool ingredients such as ginger, honey, sassafras and licorice. And given the amount they drank, our founders were probably buzzed a lot of the time. Why were they always drinking? Sanitation. The biggest sources of death back then were waterborne diseases such as typhoid and cholera. There was no Gatorade, so beer was their major
NEW BEER!
BREW POWDER Available in all styles of beer, Munton’s ingredient kits are pre-blended mixes of hops, malt and yeast. www.muntons.com
‘I keep a Breathalyzer in my briefcase and another one in my car’ It’s about a month out of the brewery. source of hydration. Plus, they used to leave more yeast in it, which meant A bottle might be two or three months. more nutrients. It was food for them. Ever brewed something heinous? Dirty tap lines make beer taste crappy. Nothing terrible, but we’ve made some True or bullshit? extreme stuff. Once I dug up a medieval It’s absolutely true. Bacteria grow in tap recipe that called for two roosters. We lines that aren’t clean, threw them into the kettle which you’ll get a sour, feathers, feet and all. The brew was meant to be acidic taste from. About THE MAN BEHIND one in six draft beers served at weddings to “fortify the resolve of an served in the U.S. doesn’t meet the brewer’s elderly groom.” We called standards. I know this it Old Cock Ale. It tasted a bit like chicken broth. because we do 15,000 draft quality audits per year. Those And did it fortify anyone’s resolve? were the numbers we were getting in We drank too much of it to remember. How many beers until you’re ripped? bars when we started doing them five If I drink three in the first hour and years ago. We’re now down to about 4.5 percent for Sam Adams. two an hour for a couple of hours, I’m blowing about a .12. I keep a What’s better then: Sam Adams out Breathalyzer in my briefcase and of the tap or out of the bottle? The tap, if you get a good one. Tap another one in my car. How many beers do you drink per day? beer is the best expression of the brewer’s intent because it’s fresher. Two or three, plus tastings. I get a
SAM ADAMS
56 A U G U S T 2 0 0 6 F H M U S . C O M
sample of every batch of beer we make. In my office now I’ve got two cases and a mini fridge full of drafts. What do you look for when tasting? I know what the perfect Sam Adams tastes like, and I’d say we get it only maybe 20 percent of the time. It’s like a mythological beast. Twenty percent of the time we get unicorns and the other 80 we get thoroughbreds. Thoroughbreds are fine, but my job is to try to get unicorns every time. What’s the worst tasting beer you’ve ever been subjected to? Someone served me a 10-year-old Sam Adams once. That was pretty bad. He’d kept it in his basement, thinking that it was going to age and get better. He was like, “I’ve been saving this.” I knew something was wrong as soon as I looked at it and smelled it. It was like 10-year-old liquid bread. It was horrible. That was no unicorn. In fact, it wasn’t even a mule.
CAULDRON Dump your mix into a fermenter, like this seven-gallon beast from Blichmann. Add sugar and water and let sit for a few days. www.fermenator.com
STORAGE Buy bottles, caps and a capping machine. Bottle your beer, add fermentable sugar for carbonation and store for two weeks. www.morebeer.com
“ T H E B R E W M A S T E R ” B Y TO M CO N L O N ; “ B U I L D A NE W B E E R ! ” B Y DAN R E I L LY; KOCH: PE T E R K R A M E R / G E T T Y I M AGE S ; I L L U S T R AT IO N BY AN DY PA R K E R
Want to be the next Jim Koch? Start with these homebrew tools
BE YOUR OWN MAN
MOTORCYCLES
SICKO ON A SUZUKI!
Need a better reason than melanoma to stay indoors this summer? Tune in as Travis Pastrana spanks gravity at the X Games o milk maximum awesomeness from the dripping teat of summer X Games insanity, stick to the freestyle motocross event and keep your peepers glued to rider No. 199. Chances are, Travis Pastrana will sputter away with gold as he’s done in five of his last six X Games appearances. And despite a crash in 1999 that left him in a wheelchair for three months, the 22-year-old Annapolis, MD, native is constantly tempting death to push the limits of his sport. Recently, he became the first and only rider to ever stick a double back flip (shown here), long considered the holy grail of freestyle. Read on for Pastrana’s preview of this August’s X Games, followed below by his guided tour of the one trick you won’t see this summer.
T
MEET DIRT “As soon as I felt the second rotation come to a rideable angle, I extended my body to brace for impact and landed really hard. The double flip isn’t a lot of fun—I hope I never do it again.”
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AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
The Summer 2006 X Games air August 3 to 6 on ESPN and ABC.
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KEEP SPINNING “During the second rotation, I was just hoping the bike would come around. I crashed six times before this attempt, but this time I just decided that, under no circumstances, would I bail out.”
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PUNCTURE THE CLOUDS “You can’t really spin much faster than you do in a normal back flip. Instead, you have to jump nearly twice as high to pull two rotations. A 25-foot jump hurts when you fall—a 45-foot jump can kill you.”
4
WORLD’S ONLY
DOUBLE BACK FLIP!
THE URGE TO LAND “On a single flip, you land when you see the ground for the first time. On the double, you need the confidence to look toward the sky and keep accelerating at this point. It doesn’t feel right.”
3
LAUNCH YOURSELF BACKWARDS “As soon as I reached the top of the ramp, I threw everything I had off the back of the bike to start the rotation. I closed my eyes and pulled the bike close to my body.”
2
TEAR INTO THE APPROACH “Speed gets you more time in the air, plus the takeoff was nearly vertical, so I needed to hit it going much faster than I would on an average jump. I headed into this one at about 50 mph.”
1
FHMUS.COM AUGUST 2006
59
BE YOUR OWN MAN
ANT INSTD M IS W e yourOcar’s fuel
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MILES
ROAD TRIPPERS B C R ES UI T F SI OR N G !
Have more four-wheeled summer fun than hijacking a Good Humor truck
GAS How to borrow some unleaded
SPEED
0-60 5 SECONDS
www.dodge.com
(OR LESS)
1
$35,320
MILES PER GALLON
INTERIOR VOLUME
42/36
108.9
(HIGHWAY / CITY)
CUBIC FEET
$21,605
www.vw.com
$38,540
2 Hold the open end of the tube up higher than the end in the full tank. Start sucking. Gas is thinner than water, so it fills quicker. Try not to swallow fuel.
www.chevrolet.com
3
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AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
Gravity
Make sure your can is lower than the original gas source. Put the open end of the tube into the gas can and let gravity take over. Then leave a thank-you note.
“ ROA D T RI P P E RS ” B Y RO B R E E D ; “ G A S G U ZZ LE R ” B Y DA N RE I LLY; IL L U S T R AT IO N S B Y PE T ER L ID D I A R D
SA B E VI ST N FO G GA R S!
B H ES T AU L I FO N R G !
Get a leak-free tube that’s clear, as not to swallow any gas, and a tank or a can for transporting all the valuable liquid. You’ll also need a mouth and some lungs.
I NS WISTDAON T M
◆ Jam
es D company yson, star of his first Dyson’s TV ads, built the prot in 1983. Th otype vacuum available e first unit to didn’t follo the public w un years late til 10 r.
BE YOUR OWN MAN
F I LT H
3 Canned twisters
MACHINE
Peek inside the new Dyson DC14 Drive’s mighty cyclone to see why dirt, dust and even your fleas will soon be extinct
1 L.A.-grade materials
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4 The final insult
3
$460
5 For Geico customers
1 2 Cheeto trapper
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T E X T B Y TO M CO N LON
2
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AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
MUSIC
FILM
TV
1
DVD
GAMES
GE T P LU G G E D I N !
Learn to bust ghosts On Court TV’s Haunting Evidence, ghost hunter Patrick Burns whips out such sweet equipment as the thermal imaging camera pictured here. The show airs Wednesdays at 10:30 p.m., and more on Burns’s equipment is at FHMUS.com/ghostbuster.
OUR P FOR TIHCKS E
MONTH BEST ’S
3
7
VO N D : A N D R E W S O U T H A M ; C AS H : M A R T Y N ATKI NS
Swayze’s best worst movie
4 5
Cinema’s top grandpa On July 26, Alan Arkin steals the show as a porn-obsessed, heroin-shooting grandfather in Little Miss Sunshine. Get inked Kat Von D is one of the most successful female tattoo artists in the world, and now she’s joining Miami Ink. Season two debuts July 18 at 10 p.m. on TLC.
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Scan darkly Watch animators color in Keanu Reeves with the trippy A Scanner Darkly.
Vice lord In the ’80s, Michael Mann gave us Miami Vice. Then he made some movies you might have heard of such as Heat, Ali and Collateral. See how he revives y . Miami
Solve Biggie’s murder Derrick Parker, former head of the NYPD’s hip-hop task force, dishes insider info on rapland slayings in his book Notorious C.O.P.
9
Cash’s last song
Kelis shakes things up
Cellular knockout This month’s top phone game: Super K.O. Boxing, a shamelessly excellent clone of Super PunchOut!
FHMUS.COM AUGUST 2006
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FILM SEQUELS
CLERKS II Jay and Silent Bob on catering, bunk beds and real-life clerking
You guys made Clerks for $27,575 and Clerks II for $5 million. What was the biggest difference in having that much cash? Kevin Smith (Silent Bob; writer/director) This time everyone got paid and we had catering. On the first one, I told the cast and crew to eat whatever they wanted in the convenience store. We subsisted on Pop-Tarts, Slim Jims and Yoo-hoo.
Jason Mewes (Jay) This is the first time I’ve been sober on a movie. On Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, I was so hungover I was always sleeping on the mats they used for stunts. Kevin, does Jason direct when you’re in a scene?
Smith I let Mewes helm some shots, but generally I don’t act that much. If you look closely, I watch whoever is speaking and react to it, but I’m thinking, “Did that work? Do we need to do it again?” Then, I watch it on the
monitor. If I did the scene wrong, I say that Mewes fucked up and we need to do it over. Did you spoil yourself with a goldspigoted Slurpee machine when Clerks hit it big? Smith I bought a Dodge Neon. It was $16,000 and made of plastic, but it was my first new car. I also got the entire video library of Degrassi Junior High. It wasn’t commercially available, so it ran me $5,000. Now you can buy the
ANT I NSTD M WIS II, DOante and
In Clerks ork at a Randal w -food chain ed fast cow-them d Mooby ’s. calle en Affleck Lee and B s in ◆ Jason f role ie br ve ha the film.
“ CL ER K S I I ” B Y A N D R EW VO N T Z; CLERKS I I : T H E W EI N S T E I N CO M PA N Y, 2 0 0 6 / DA R R E N M ICH A E L S ; S U P ER EX : MYL E S A RON OW I T Z; L A DY I N TH E WAT ER: F R AN K MAS I
◆
whole fucking show for $29. Mewes bought bunk beds. Mewes I lived in the same room as another dude. There
On Clerks, we subsisted on Slim Jims was a king bed on bottom, which was mine. I had a mirror on top of my bed. Smith That’s a mixed message for girls: There’s a mirror, but it’s a bunk bed.
What was the worst thing you saw while clerking? Smith The Jay and Bob types who hung out in front. They tried to rob the store blind. I don’t know why I cared, but this one kid tried to steal something and I threw him out. As I was leaning out the door, the motherfucker kicked the door and it hit me in the face. I got showed up by a 14-year-old. Clerks II hits theaters July 21.
SOON!
YOU, ME AND DUPREE
MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND
After his best friend gets married, Owen Wilson refuses to leave the new couple’s house. What this film defines as rude, many may see as the world’s best wedding present.
More terrifying than the thought of an exgirlfriend breaking out her hidden superpowers for revenge is that both Luke and Owen Wilson star in separate romantic comedies this month.
TALLADEGA NIGHTS
LADY IN THE WATER
As a simple-minded NASCAR star, Will Ferrell defends America’s sport against an incursion by a foreign driver.r Despite being French, the new driver doesn’t immediately surrender.
M. Night Shyamalan’s latest features Paul Giamatti as a building superintendent who discovers a living fairy-tale character in his pool. Isn’t chlorine supposed to kill that shit?
‘That’s the best you’ve got? That’s not funny.’ Denis [Leary] always does that to me. When did you know this was a no-BS group? My first scene in the firehouse. I
Bad sports
Reality shows
THORNE
How does your swearing stack up with the guys? I can compete. The guys are all about topping each other’s jokes. I try to join in, but half the time they say,
Comic Jeffrey Ross lifts a leg on Tinseltown ignorance—just like he does in his new cartoon Where My Dogs At?
screwed up my first line and John Scurti, who plays Lou, threw his script and said, “This is gonna be a long fuckin’ day!” I laughed so hard I almost peed. Now it’s noholds-barred. One day I burped near Denis and his face went four shades of disgust. I said, “It means I’m comfortable with you.” He was like, “God forbid you be a little less comfortable.” Rescue Me airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.
Celebrity feuds Plastic surgery
“ C A L L I E T H O R N E” A N D “ H O L LYWO O D B I T ES I T ! ” B Y DAN N Y S P I EG EL; T H O RN E: SI MO N /F ERREI RA/S TAR T R AKS P HOTO . CO M
TV
BITES IT!’
A O TV
“ B U I LT FO R G R EAT N ES S ” B Y S TEV E MA R Z O L F; S H A R K : C AR L RO ES S LER /G ET T Y I MAG ES
RAISING THE ROOFS C-list actor Michael Roof Jr. invites his redneck family and their pig to live with him in Hollywood. Spike TV, Thursdays, 10 p.m. THE PROFESSIONAL POKER TOUR Poker’s top 250 players hit the felt after $2.5 million. The Travel Channel, Wednesdays, 9 p.m. ROCKSTAR: SUPERNOVA Metal lovers compete to front Tommy Lee’s band. CBS, Tuesdays, 9 p.m.
A N ATO M Y
In anticipation of Shark Week, learn what makes Spielberg’s meal ticket the king of the ocean Sensitive snouts
Smart heads
Flying bodies
Shark Week starts July 30 on the Discovery Channel.
ANT I NSTD M S I W impyOpremiered
DVD
St ◆ Ren & kelodeon ats on Nic with Rugr mornings in 1991. on Sunday of John K’s first ◆ One as an d jobs was Hollywoo on a revival of animatorr tsons. The Je
CENSORSHIP
ANIMAL HATERS! Pushing a DVD of racy Ren & Stimpy episodes, creator John K explains how he repeatedly offended Nickelodeon type of booger was beautifully drawn, but the network edited it so you barely see the bench. They said, ‘Kids don’t like boogers.’ I said, ‘Have you ever met a kid?’” Republicans “The execs hated Ren and Stimpy’s master, George Liquor,” John K says. “He was a Republican and many of them were lesbians, so they hated Republicans. In one episode George disciplines the boys, then Ren bludgeons the crap out of him. They saw it and fired me. I kept saying, ‘This makes fun of Republicans! I’m not condoning it!’ But I guess that broke the camel’s back.”
“A N I M A L H AT E R S ” BY J E N A DA M S
Hot women “Nickelodeon TV executives prevented us from putting things we wanted on Ren & Stimpy all the time,” John K says. “I always wanted sexy girls on the show, but they said it sent a bad message to girls who aren’t sexy. Well, if we draw athletic guys, does that send a bad message to wimps? You need good- looking women in cartoons to give kids something to look up to.” Boogers “There’s a classic scene in which Stimpy shows Ren his collection of magic nose goblins—the hardened boogers he keeps under a piano bench,” John K says. “Every
A DV E RT I S E M E N T & P RO M OT I O N
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RAY ROMANO AND KEVIN JAMES SERVE UP THE LAUGHS IN GRILLED! Two kings of comedy in one hysterical new film! New Line Home Entertainment presents Grilled, available on DVD July 11. Ray Romano and Kevin James play meat salesmen who are out to close the deal of a lifetime while dodging mobsters and killers. But will they end up as dead meat instead? Also stars Burt Reynolds and Juliette Lewis.
MUSIC FO OTAG E
THE BUGGLES
DURAN DURAN
25 YEARS OF MUSIC VIDEO!
“Video Killed the Radio Star” MTV launches at 12:01 a.m. on Aug. 1, 1981, with this clip, granting the otherwise forgettable Buggles eternal pop-culture fame. Poor Pat Benatar—nobody remembers that “You Better Run” is the second video on MTV.
“Hungry Like the Wolf” The stylized camera work and sexy plot make this the first truly cinematic video. Duran Duran had already made MTV history in 1981, when “Girls on Film” became the first video banned by MTV, for its full-frontal nudity.
RUN-DMC WITH AEROSMITH
PETER GABRIEL
“Walk This Way” Run-DMC and Aerosmith perform in adjacent rooms until Steven Tyler smashes down the wall between them, thus giving birth to rap-rock. Had he known that this would lead to Limp Bizkit, he might have left the wall standing.
“Sledgehammer” Peter Gabriel’s stop-motion masterpiece is released in 1986 and makes MTV history in 1987, when it wins nine Video Music Awards—a record to this day. The clip goes on to become MTV’s most-played video ever.
Marvel at a quarter century of MTV’s most iconic clips
A-HA
called rotoscoping, in which frames of the footage are hand-traced. A computerized version of the technique is used to animate Keanu and his co-stars in this summer’s flick A Scanner Darkly.
GUNS N’ ROSES
DR. DRE FEATURING SNOOP
“November Rain” The same year that GNR’s nine-minute, $1.5-million epic rocks the world of music video to its core, MTV launches The Real World—ushering in an era in which videos take a back seat to The Miz.
“Nuthin’ But a ‘G’ Thang” Gangsta culture invades suburban living rooms with a video featuring bouncing low riders, sprayed beer and blurred marijuana-leaf logos—but no ass-shaking strippers. Ah, simpler times.
MICHAEL AND JANET JACKSON
WEEZER
“Buddy Holly” Director Spike Jonze’s seamless integration of Weezer into the Happy Days diner—without digital trickery—takes the use of TV and movie footage in videos to a new level. Anson “Potsie” Williams signs off on the clip only after some arm twisting.
“Scream” Although it’s under five minutes long, the sibs’ elaborate, FX-heavy clip costs $7 million, making it the most expensive video ever. No. 2 is Puffy’s 1998 clip for “Victory,” which squanders a mere $2.7 million.
0 01 21981
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EMINEM FEATURING DIDO
THE WHITE STRIPES
“Stan” Released at the height of Em’s infamy, this dark clip stars Dido, whose song “Thank You” is sampled on the track. Final Destination star Devon Sawa is cast as the obsessed fan-turnedmurderer after Macaulay Culkin passes on the role.
“Fell in Love With a Girl” To turn Jack and Meg White into Lego people, 3,000 frames of performance footage are reconstructed using real Legos. The painstaking process takes two months— four times as long as it takes the band to make an album.
FATBOY SLIM
“Weapon of Choice” In another crazy Spike Jonze clip, actor Christopher Walken dances through a hotel, leaps over the balcony and defies gravity. The video is shot in two days in the L.A. Marriott.
AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
Walken, a trained dancer who has previously appeared in Madonna and Skid Row videos, helps choreograph his own moves. Fatboy Slim, aka DJ Norman Cook, is nowhere to be seen.
T E X T B Y J ON WIE D E RHORN ; TH RI LL E R: E V E R E T T COL LE CT I ON
“Take on Me” A young woman enters a black-andwhite comic book to meet the Norwegian pop star of her dreams, who later breaks into the real world. The animated look is created with a process
ANT I NSTD M S I W MTVOwas in 2.1
, ’s ◆ In 1981 . Today it s. .S. homes million U n in 167 countrie io to in 440 mill is the only artist ar e Ye ◆ Eminem Video of th win MTV’s an once—in more th d 2002. 2000 an
THE CARS
“Thriller” Jacko turns into a dancing zombie in the first long-form dramatic video, a 14-minute film with a then unheard-of budget of $1.1 million. “Thriller” is also the first clip to get its own making-of documentary, which sells a record 900,000 copies on home video.
“You Might Think” Singer Ric Ocasek stalks a woman in this clip, which breaks new ground with its cartoonish computer imagery. It nabs Video of the Year at the first MTV Video Music Awards, co-hosted by Dan Aykroyd and, bafflingly, Bette Midler.
DJ JAZZY JEFF & THE FRESH PRINCE
MADONNA
BILLY IDOL
“Parents Just Don’t Understand” Will Smith and that other guy’s cutesy clip makes hip-hop truly safe for America. Worse yet, two years later it becomes the basis for the opening credits of Will’s lame sitcom The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
“Like a Prayer” Madonna gives herself stigmata in a church and dances in a field of burning crosses. Oddly, this upsets religious groups, which vow to boycott Pepsi, her tour sponsor. Pepsi ditches Madonna like a stale communion wafer.
“Cradle of Love” Paving the way for barely legal Aerosmith chick Alicia Silverstone, then 18-year-old Betsy Lynn George dances around in her undies. A motorcycle crash had left Idol walking with a cane, so he’s shown only from the waist up.
MICHAEL JACKSON
SMASHING PUMPKINS
“Tonight, Tonight” This clip pays homage to 1902’s A Trip to the Moon, a silent film none of the Pumpkins’ teen fans have seen— thus making the video seem totally original. Bassist D’arcy Wretzky likes the sets so much she takes them and keeps them at her farm.
NIRVANA
“Smells Like Teen Spirit” Nirvana rocks a high school gym filled with punk kids and cheerleaders wearing anarchy signs, launching the mainstream grunge movement and boosting sales of flannel shirts and heroin. A long day of sitting in the bleachers riles up the extras, leading to the chaos that ensues at the end of the clip.
THE PRODIGY
BRITNEY SPEARS
KORN
“Smack My Bitch Up” It features nudity and drug use, but MTV still airs this clip— between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. and with a cautionary intro from oldster Kurt Loder. MTV blurs out the crotch shots, but leaves in the boobs.
“. . . Baby, One More Time” Prancing around in a sexy schoolgirl uniform, Britney launches a teen-pop revolution. Just 16 when it’s shot, Britney honors her trailertrash roots—her love interest is played by her cousin.
“Freak on a Leash” Menace II g Societyy brothers feel Korn’s slo-mo bullet effects rip off a guncontrol ad of theirs. After it’s established that this is coincidental, the brothers go on to direct two Korn videos.
004 21981
JOHNNY CASH
JAY-Z
R. KELLY
“Hurt” Director Mark Romanek turns the video for Cash’s Nine Inch Nails cover into a stirring retrospective of the Man in Black’s life. Visibly frail in the clip, Cash dies seven months after its release, making this video a great tribute to a fallen hero.
“99 Problems” The clip ends with Jay-Z getting shot to death in a scene symbolizing his decision to give up the rap game. Then Jigga resurfaces on a Linkin Park album in the worst post-retirement move since Michael Jordan takes up baseball.
“Trapped in the Closet” R. Kelly ruled 2005 with a 12-part video with enough absurd plot twists to make a Guiding Light writer blush. Kelly has at least 10 more chapters recorded, though he has yet to announce plans for additional videos.
RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
“Dani California” My Super Sweet 166 n in rock history by imitating Elvis, the Beatles, P-Funk, the Misfits and Nirvana. Time and budget constraints keep them from doing hip-hop and ska tributes. Suckiness bars a nü-metal tribute.
FHMUS.COM AUGUST 2006
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ANT I NSTD OM mes WI S co e Peaches
The nam Simone lyric. a from a Nin sells merkins— s erts. ◆ Peache at her conc s— pubic wig to teach drama ed us o ◆ She to Toront and music kids. school
MUSIC
◆
SOON! THOM YORKE The Eraser XL Recordings The Radiohead singer’s electronicrock album sounds like . . . Radiohead. Which is good.
SEXUALITY
‘We had an all-out kissing orgy’
Why pay $3.99 a minute? Electro-punk minx Peaches talks dirty for free
PHARRELL In My Mind Interscope/ StarTrak Kanye West and Gwen Stefani guest on the hitmaker’s solo debut.
The shocker
Strip clubs
Kissing orgies
DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL Dusk and Summer Interscope Thee emo album of the summer. Press play and sob away.
Groupies
1.8
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ZIO
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• High Performance Handling • W, V & H Speed Rated • UTQG 320 A A • 38 sizes from 15˝ to 20˝ • 30 to 60 series • UNI-T ® Technology
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IO FUZ
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Performance Handling H Speed Rated UTQG 400 A A 24 sizes from 14˝ to 17˝ 45 to 65 series UNI-T ® Technology
CO
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All Terrain S & T Speed Rated UTQG 400 A B 9 sizes from 16˝ to 18˝ 60 to 75 series UNI-T ® Technology
M
METAL ART
Neil Aldis, co-author of Heavy Metal Thunder: Kick-Ass Cover Art From Kick-Ass Albums, picks hard rock’s top sleeves MOST METAL Slayer, Reign in Blood (1986) “I have no idea what this cover’s about, but it’s got Satan in the middle and lots of blood. You really can’t get more metal, even with swords and tits.”
BEST SATAN Mercyful Fate, Don’t Break the Oath “The cover art is a send-up of the classic Uncle Sam ‘I Want You’ Army recruitment poster. This one is like, ‘Satan needs you.’”
CHEESIEST Manowar, Anthology (1997) “Wearing tight leather pants, loincloths and big boots—you think they must be joking, but they claim they mean it. I wonder if they know Spinal Tap is a joke.”
MOST BRUTAL Pantera, Vulgar Display of Power (1992) “The band’s label paid a fan to get punched in the face repeatedly for the photo. He was punched 30 times. That’s dedication.”
BEST SECRET Iron Maiden, Somewhere in Time e( ) “In the shop’s windows, the artist put the reflection of a sign—when you read it backward it says, ‘This is a very boring painting.’”
GROSSEST The Handsome Beasts, Beastiality (1981) “This band was known for its fat singer who took his clothes off. You’d see an image like this in Amsterdam advertising a particular kind of video.”
“ FR ES H P EACH ES ! ” AS TO L D TO MA RK YA RM; “ MUS EUM O F M ETAL AR T ” AS TO LD T O JON W I ED ER H OR N ; P EACHES : T Y LER S H I ELD S
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GAMES HONOR
Sgt. Tommy Rieman makes Sonic look like even more of a pansy ow that Bonds has left a steamer on Babe Ruth’s memory and MacGyver has been reduced to cutesy MasterCard cameos, American men are in desperate need of new heroes. This month, they arrive in the new America’s Armyy g g e series of the U.S. Army. For America’s Army Real Heroes, Sgt. Tommy Rieman and eight other real-life GI Joes were digitized and placed in the game to assist players. Rieman was chosen as recognition for his bravery during a 2003 ambush outside Baghdad for which he snagged the Silver Star and Purple Heart.
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“We were on a recon mission,” Rieman says. “Suddenly we were hit with three RPGs and small-arms fire.” Rieman shielded the unit’s heavy gunner with his own body, returned fire and charged his men through a second ambush to safety. “All eight of us survived,” Rieman recalls. “I sustained two gunshot wounds, one to the arm and one to the chest, and shrapnel wounds over the rest of my body.” In addition to game fame, the nine soldiers chosen will be made into action figures. “I’m now an administrative assistant at the Pentagon,” Rieman says. “The highlight of my day is putting paper in the scanner. So, this is pretty damn cool.”
Werewolves, Beware!
BEST JUICED: ELIMINATOR
CHROMEHOUNDS
THQ PSP
Sega 360
T EX T B Y J A S O N B U H R MES T E R
Don’t confuse this high-speed, multiplayer PSP racer with O.J. Simpson’s Punk’d-style prank DVD, also called Juiced. You can’t make stuff like that up.
Earth has been leveled like a Duke lacrosse season, and you and a squad of other heavily armed battle robots get to fight for what’s left.
NCAA FOOTBALL 07
URBAN CHAOS: RIOT RESPONSE
EA Sports PS2, Xbox, 360, PSP
Eidos PS2, Xbox, PC
EA’s college pigskinner awards you for making big plays with a momentum meter. Fill it to pull one-handed grabs or deliver train-wreck tackles.
Dalmatians are useless and flammable, so combat a pyromaniac gang known as the Burners using guns, meat cleavers and riot shields instead.
The Fit is Go! Ultra-sleek! Ultra-new! Fit Sport in Storm Silver! Swift with standard front, side and side curtain airbags! Whoosh! fit.hond a.com Fit Sport shown. 1-800-33-Honda ©2006 American Honda Motor Co., Inc.
GAMES PL AY E R
TIPS FROM THEGAMING GODDESS
ANT I NSTD M e WIS, afteO r an onlin
ly mplain◆ Recent peared co e petition ap nt cheating in th pa 2, ing of ram e of Call of Duty od m x, a fi online released Activision d anti-cheat de which ad ware. soft
Read before flinging your controller
very gamer hits that point where, despite countless late nights, orbital blood pressure and what feels like a new ulcer, you can’t get past that one level. You’d rather use your console for live-grenade target practice than give it one more try. Fortunately, there’s a support group for frustrated controller jockeys: the Internet. You’re not the first person to encounter this particular problem. You’re not even the 27,000th. Someone with more free time than my retired uncle has already finished the game and written down everything you need to beat it. These walk-throughs are like playing with an expert sitting on your couch telling you what to do. Type the name of your game and “walkthrough” into any search engine. You’ll find tons to choose from. Strategy guides are the same thing, but in book form.
E
X-PLAY ’S
PERPLEXED BY
Knowing what’s around every corner robs excitement from a game, but I’m OK with consulting a walk-through if you’re in a bind. Cheat codes are different. You paid the 50 bucks, so you can play however you want, but remember: There’s no accomplishment in winning with a cheat—and your life is short enough on accomplishment as it is. So, play fair!
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TV host and FHM video-game guru Morgan Webb can help. E-mail your gaming woes to gaminggoddess@ US com
And catch Morgan’s reviews of the newest games on X-Playy, weeknights at 11 p.m. EST on cable channel, G4.
P H OTOG R A P H Y B Y P E RR Y H AG O P I A N; S T YL I NG BY D E B OR A F R A NC I S ; H A I R B Y SA M L EO N A RD I F O R R ED K EN AT R AYB ROWN P RO . CO M; M A K EU P B Y L I S A G A R N ER FO R A R T I S T SBY T I M OTHY P R IA N O .CO M ; TO P A ND BOT TO M S B Y NO RO M E O; B O OT S B Y CH I N ES E L AU N D R Y
I’ve been stuck on the same game for six months. Time to give up, or time to cheat? Pete Carinci, Chicago, IL
B r i t i sh THE PERFECT GIRL NEXT DOOR LIVES AN OCEAN AWAY
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In v a s io n BY PHILLIP CRANDALL PHOTOGRAPHY BY GRANT SAINSBURY
KEELEY HAZELL
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KEELEY HAZELL
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MAKING
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Uncover the secrets that keep Sin City burning
BY ADAM WINER PHOTOGRAPHY BY NAOTO IKEDA
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The Stratosphere hefts roller coasters 112 stories high The idea of putting carnival rides on top of a high rise is genius. Volunteering to dangle 1,150 feet above the Vegas strip to work on them is retarded. So meet Jeff Gonzales. Whether installing new rides (which helicopters lift up in pieces), maintaining current ones (which makes up the bulk of daily work) or removing old ones (which is what Gonzales’s doing here with a plasma cutter), the Stratosphere’s ride engineers must often tether themselves in to avoid fatal falls. “My job is badass,” Gonzales says. “But when I first got here, I was nervous as hell. I thought I was going to die. I even made out my will to make sure my stuff was taken care of in case I fell.”
INSIDE
PYRAMID!
It takes 39 spotlights for the Luxor to flash its high beams Yup, 39 spotlights (shown above) combine to form the beam that lures thousands of moths each night to the top of the Luxor Resort and Casino. The total brightness: 42.3 billion candlepower. The gas in the bulbs is pressurized to 450 pounds per square inch, so workers don flak jackets, gloves and facemasks when changing the lights in case a bulb accidentally explodes. Before the beam turns on every evening, strobe lights flash for 30 seconds to warn aircraft in the area. The light can be seen by planes 250 miles away.
Despite the brightness of the 7,000watt bulbs, the lights aren’t massively expensive to use. The cost to operate the beam for one hour? A thrifty $52.88.
17 Number of the 20 largest hotels in the United States that are in Las Vegas
13,900
‘MY CONTRACT IS FOR 6,500 SHOWS’
What’s the most inventive way you’ve spread the word about your show?
Vegas legend Lance Burton on the life of a hotel headliner In 1996, you signed a 13-year contract with the Monte Carlo. That’s more than 6,500 shows!
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Do you, Wayne Newton and Danny Gans all meet for a beer after your shows?
Ever bum props off other magicians?
Number of rooms in hotels at the intersection of Las Vegas Boulevard and Flamingo Road— that’s more than the entire city of Milwaukee
The mayor
MEET No one knows how to work the city like its chief official, Oscar Goodman The official city of Las Vegas is actually limited to the area around downtown. What’s up with you not being able to boss people around on the strip?
86 percent of the vote. What’s the secret to Vegas politics?
Before his election in 1999, Oscar Goodman was a defense attorney for legendary Vegas mobsters such as Meyer Lansky and Frank “Lefty” Rosenthal, aka the mafioso Robert De Niro’s character in Casino was based upon.
What casinos offer high rollers
What does being the mayor of Las Vegas actually entail besides being a cheerleader?
It looks like you have a great time being mayor. You won reelection with a staggering
Downtown seems to be creeping back to life. How’d you manage that?
Virtual golf! “On the highest level, everything we do is part of building a relationship with the customer,” says Caesars Palace president Gary Selesner. “Each of our villas can cost as much as $15 million to build. They’re about the size of a big house and have a private swimming pool. Some have virtual golf [shown above], where you stand in front of a floor-to-ceiling screen and hit a golf ball. The computer measures how you hit the ball and then simulates it on the screen, so you can literally practice your golf swing in the comfort of your villa.” Private jets! “We have a fleet of private jets to bring our customers to town,” Selesner says. “These are very successful multimillionaires who often have access to private jets, so a jet is an expected part of their life. Sometimes we may give a guest access to a private jet for personal use.” Gucci chew toys! “There’s no limit to what Caesars Palace will do to take care of a customer at this level,” Selesner says. “For example, I just had dinner in one of our villas with a Middle Eastern gentleman. For the duration of his stay, he’ll have a Middle Eastern chef assigned to him, who is actually a very famous chef who worked in the Mideast and then London for many years. Then we hired him to come here. On certain occasions we may even send the chef to the customer to take care of a party at his house. We’ve bought guests rare art and luxury vehicles. I had a customer once who asked for Gucci loafers for his dog to chew on. That was a little eccentric, but we went out and bought him a bag of Gucci loafers for his dog.”
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MO N EY: CO U R T E S Y O F WO RLD S ERI ES O F P O KER; S P ECIAL T HAN KS T O C AS IN O LIGHT IN G & S I GN
Why casinos do so much to promote their pummel-fests Boxing is to Vegas what dilapidated tackiness is to Atlantic City— signature. That’s why such hotels as the MGM Grand hype their matches on everything from room keys (shown below) to casino chips (right). “Our arena can hold about 16,000 people,” says Richard Sturm, president of entertainment and sports for MGM Mirage. “And even if they’re not coming to the event, people will come to the hotel just to be near the excitement.” Along with big-name arena concerts that also draw tons of wallets to the property, fights are a strong tool for entertaining high rollers and corporate clients, like those who control convention business. “Fights are incredibly important to us,” Sturm says. “They create an image no one else can match.”
‘BULB
IS OUT’
Old-school casino signs require lots of attention—and new light bulbs
$1,500 Annual sales per square foot at The Forum Shops at Caesars Palace— the highest of any mall in the country
The bulbs The Stardust sign has more than 40,000 light bulbs—of which up to 1,500 get changed every week. “We can hit the bottom stars with cranes,” says Mike Hansen of Casino Lighting & Sign, which maintains all the Stardust’s lights, from the neon on the sign and building to the regular bulbs in the parking lot. “There are arms that come off the top of the sign. We hook a stage to them in order to do the letters. Then we have people on rappelling ropes do the rest.” The juice “It’s probably about $15,000 per month to run,” Hansen says. Because the sign flashes, it cuts power usage by two-thirds.
The business “We do sign surveys, taking photos and circling problem areas,” says Hansen, whose company also does work for such hotels as the MGM Grand and the Las Vegas Hilton. “We even do surveys at properties maintained by other companies. We call it sniping. I’ll drop off the picture with my card and let the property know we could be taking better care of their stuff.” The hazards Back when it was constructed in 1968, the Stardust’s sign was the world’s tallest. Now its wooden interior is outdated. “And it’s got two feet of pigeon poop inside,” Hansen says. “To work on the electronics, you have to dig down through that stuff.”
What happens with all the cash they bring out for the World Series of Poker?
The WSOP Although the WSOP began in 1970, a freeze-out championship event wasn’t introduced until a year later. Only six people entered. And with a buy-in of $5,000, the first champ—a legendary gambler named Johnny Moss—took home a mere $30,000.
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The sex laws
BEYOND
D
espite being named after a pachyderm, the Spearmint Rhino has some of Vegas’s sexiest women. “We pay a fee to the club but then keep what we make after that,” explains one of the Rhino’s top dancers, Faith. Some lessons Faith has learned: These girls are pros
It’s all in the mind
Experience helps
All-nude dancing is outlawed in Vegas clubs that serve alcohol, except at the Palomino Club, which was grandfathered in. Prostitution is only legal in counties with fewer than 400,000 residents. The closest is Nye County—65 miles from Vegas.
THE
FORTRESS
1) Discard rack
2) Knocking tips “Dealers knocking the tips you give them goes back to the old days before video surveillance when they used to have people up in catwalks,” Smith says. “When floor supervisors heard that knocking sound, they’d know when their dealer turned around with a chip in his hand, he had been given a tip. He hadn’t just reached into the rack and stolen a chip.”
How water dances better than you Elaborately choreographed water dances to Elvis’s “Viva Las Vegas” don’t just start themselves. A dude’s gotta push a button. And every time a water show runs at the Bellagio, that button is pushed in a room located in a small tower overlooking the lake. The men in there can individually control each of the lake’s 1,214 fountains, which are actually hulking pieces of machinery. (Check out the ones on dry land, below). But while starting one of the current 28 water shows is easy, creating a new one is hard. “We work on one second of the song at a time, programming the motion for each fountain,” says show control engineer Gene Bowling (shown below in the control room). “It takes an average of 40 hours of work for every minute of song you see on the lake.”
The new Vegas nightclubs hum along like DJ-fueled ATMs
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4) Autoshuffler “Cards stay pretty clumped together even after a shuffle,” Smith says. “If you see 10 or 20 high cards go into a discard rack, and you watch the shuffle, you can pretty much see where those cards go. So there are shuffle trackers who will track those groups of cards during play. An autoshuffler machine alleviates that because players can’t see the cards being moved.”
The surveillance It’s the ceiling that houses the biggest security measure of them all: surveillance cameras. “With the cameras in the casino, I can pretty much see an ant on the ground,” says Kim Smith, Treasure Island’s surveillance director.
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The costs
3) Clean hands
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The clientele
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The future
$11.33 Hourly, pretip minimum wage for union waiters in Vegas—the nation’s highest
D E A L ER I LL U S TR AT I O N B Y P H I L S AU N D ER S / W W W. S PACECH A N N EL . O RG ; MA N AG I N G PA R T N ER S : CO UR T ES Y O F N 9 N E G RO UP
Behold hidden table security measures you never knew existed
The sports book Robert Walker and his staff set the final line for MGM Mirage casinos. But like many sports books, they rely heavily on advice from the company Las Vegas Sports Consultants, whose handicappers put out a line on every game being played.
There are some 133,000 hotel rooms in Las Vegas. Mission Industries washes the linens for nearly all of them Drop-off
Washing
Drying Towels from the tunnel washers get plopped onto robotic lifts that automatically transport them to a dryer. Towels from the conventional washers have to be shoved into dryers by hand. Folding
THE
SETTER Robert Walker makes the spread for some of the strip’s biggest casinos
190 Average number of people who move to the Las Vegas area every day, making it the fastest growing region in the country
On setting the line “We know the public wants to bet on the favorites—it’s just human nature,” says Robert Walker, who, as director of the race and sports books for MGM Mirage, oversees the lines at the company’s 10 strip casinos, including the MGM Grand, Mirage and Bellagio. “We never shade a game because we think, say, San Antonio is going to beat Dallas. We shade it because we think the public will bet San Antonio. The rule of thumb is: How high can we make the favorite before the professional bettors get involved? We can’t make a line too high because then the professionals would just keep taking it.” On profits “We’re about entertainment. Ten years ago, we were a profit center, but now MGM Mirage makes so much money from hotel rooms, retail and restaurants that we’re not even a blip on their screen. My
WIN A TRIP TO VEGAS!
goal in this company is to make as much as the New York-New York roller coaster.” On his biggest win “By far the best game we ever had was Super Bowl XXXVI when the Rams lost to the Patriots. Somebody had bet $4.6 million on the Rams to win outright. When Vinatieri hit that field goal, he was jumping for joy on the field, and so were we. We never celebrate in front of the fans, by the way. We were in the back jumping for joy.” On loving sports “I don’t have favorite teams. Ultimately, my favorite team is whoever I need. I hardly enjoy games anymore. My heart can’t take it. I’ve become a big fan of sports where we don’t have a lot of money on the line, so I’m a big WNBA fan. It’s great to be able to go to a game and not worry about how much you lost on it.”
Lodging Activities
One reader will live it up like a high roller!
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To enter
S KY L O FT CO U R T E S Y O F M G M M I R AGE
Sorting Conveyor-belt workers mark towels and sheets—which generally get used only once—for faster, “light soil” treatment. Funky hand towels and pillowcases are marked “heavy soil.”
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Dominate the felt battlefield with guidance from the game’s top players
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Can you give a quick Starting Hand: 101? Chris Ferguson It depends on position. Another amateur mistake is not understanding the importance of position. If a guy raises in first position, he’s basically saying he has a hand that can beat the eight other guys at the table. That needs to be a very strong hand. But if it’s been folded around to the button, he has only two people to deal with when he raises—the small blind and the big blind. So he doesn’t need nearly as strong
WE’LL BET ON ANYTHING. WE’VE BET ON WHICH PIECE OF ICE WOULD MELT FIRST
record in 2002 by winning three WSOP bracelets in one year
hether you’re heading to the World Series of Poker this month or merely trying to fleece your friends in a Friday night game, Chris Ferguson, Phil Ivey, Erik Seidel, Erick Lindgren and Jennifer Harman—five pros who help make up the brain trust of the Web site Full Tilt Poker—can up your table skills. Team Full Tilt gathered at The Venetian’s new poker room to dispense the wisdom that has powered them to a combined 19 WSOP bracelets.
Let’s start with a public service: What’s the biggest mistake you see amateurs repeatedly make? Erik Seidel Playing too many hands. People want to be active and involved when they’re playing poker, but a lot of the winning formula is patience. I’ll play only 20 to 25 percent of the hands.
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hoping everyone folds after you raise so you can steal the blinds. Against good players, 60 to 75 percent of the time you won’t even see a flop. And against bad players? Ferguson You’ll see a flop 90 percent of the time. Phil Ivey I don’t think playing too many hands is as bad as people make it out to be. Taking chances isn’t that big a deal if you’re playing at a limit where, if you lose, it’s not going to hurt you. I think it helps to see every situation that comes up. You become better at poker by making mistakes and learning from them. Erick Lindgren I like to play a lot of pots and get involved. It’s boring to sit around and wait for good cards at the poker table. Guys like Erik and Chris sit back and play a hand every 15 minutes, whereas I’ll play five hands in that period.
SPECIAL THANKS TO THE VENETIAN AND THE VENETIAN POKER ROOM MANAGEMENT TEAM; MAKEUP BY PHYLLIS BOND; LINDGREN: SUIT BY TED BAKER, SHIRT BY CHARLES T YRWHITT; SEIDEL: SUIT BY PIERRE CARDIN, SHIRT BY CHARLES T YRWHITT; FERGUSON: SUIT BY PIERRE CARDIN, SHIRT BY THOMAS PINK
a hand as the guy in first position. In early position, you need a pair of 8’s or better or something like A-K, A-Q or A-J. In late position, I’m raising with any ace, assuming everyone else has folded to me. Jennifer Harman In back, I play almost anything. Beginners should stick to at least suited connectors and small pairs. But, if you flop something, don’t get married to the hand. Let’s say you have 7-8 suited and you end up flopping a flush. Somebody could have a bigger flush out there, so you have to be ready to make big lay-downs. Ferguson Unless you have a really strong hand like aces or kings, you’re generally
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What’s your reasoning for that? Lindgren Early on in a tournament, all the bad players are still in. The best way to take advantage of them is to be in every pot with them, accumulating their chips. Is an intermediate player ready for that? Lindgren It’s something to practice. It comes back to playing more hands with position. If you’re in late position and the guy raises in front of you, and you have, say, 8-9, go ahead and call. Try to flop something and outplay the guy. Anyone have tips on how to Brando up a convincing bluff? Ferguson Bluffs exist to win a big pot with a piece of junk. For bluffing the last bet of the hand, you shouldn’t do it
A LOT OF THE WINNING FORMULA IS PATIENCE. I PLAY ONLY 20 TO 25 PERCENT OF HANDS with a middle hand. If I have a medium hand, I’ll check it down even if I know my opponent’s weak. Because I’m hoping he’ll bluff me, and I can call. But if I have a horrible hand, I can’t just check, because even if he’s weak, he still probably beats me. That’s when I have to bluff. But you don’t want to bluff those middle hands where you can win by checking it down. Is there any way of making instant reads on players you’ve just met? Lindgren If a guy’s got a Hawaiian shirt and is unkempt, you can bet he’s loose as
Jennifer Harman is the only woman to have won two WSOP bracelets in mixed-gender events
hell. His chip stacks are all different sizes, and his big chips are always right there so he can put them in action. But then you get the guy who’s got his shirt tucked into his jeans with a belt and his chips are kept in neat stacks. There are guys who protect their big chips by putting them in back, as if they’ve built a fence around them with small chips. Obviously, he’s going to play pretty tight. Can you honestly make those kinds of generalizations? Harman You really can.
IN A CASH GAME, IF I LOSE $300,000, OH WELL. I CAN COME BACK TOMORROW Lindgren You’d be less likely to bluff the messy guy and more likely to overbet. With the tight guy, you might be able to bluff him. He’s probably going to play pretty scared because he’d have to tear down his little fortress to get his big chips and call you. You might bet just enough to make him use one of his big chips. It’s kind of funny to mess with people like that.
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Chris, you’re known for staring stonily while others try to read you. When you do that, are you thinking about the hand or do you zone out into Ferguson Land? Ferguson I’m always thinking about the hand. I might be a little bit in my own world, but I’m thinking about it. Harman In those instances, I try to think of other things. Sometimes I think about my grocery list or where I’m going to get gas when I leave. It puts me more at ease, so it’s harder for them to read me. How about you, Phil? Ivey Nothing’s going on in my mind. I’m just thinking, “Do something. Call me or fold, but let’s get to the next hand.” I’m not trying to put any vibe out there; it’s just how I feel. I don’t really care. When you play poker, you can’t really put too much into one hand. So if I’m bluffing and I get called—oh well. Next hand. Is that a secret to being able to play in big cash games? Ivey Yeah, you have to have a certain disregard for money. You can’t think about every dollar you put in and how it relates to real life. In a game, money doesn’t mean anything. It’s just chips. Harman People get more stressed by cash games, because they’re putting their money up. I’m actually more nervous in tournaments. With cash games, I feel so at ease: If I lose $300,000, oh well. I can
come back tomorrow. In tournaments, you can have one unlucky event and be out. Seidel You have a lot of emotional players who are successful in tournaments but could never make it live. If something very bad happens to them in a tournament, they’re out. Their emotions don’t really hurt them because as long as things are going well, they play fine. But in a live game, if something bad happens to them, they can put more and more money on the table and end up losing a lot. Ferguson I don’t understand people going on tilt like that. I’m not saying getting beat is easy, but I don’t deal with it by playing badly. It doesn’t make sense to me. Erick will explain it to you. Lindgren Maybe Chris doesn’t have a big enough ego to go on tilt. I definitely had a tilt factor early in my career, but now when I take bad beats, I just focus harder. Harman One time we were playing, and this guy, who was a pro, was just getting beat after beat after beat. After the fourth time, he couldn’t take it anymore and tears started rolling down his cheek. Just quiet tears. Nobody laughed at him to his face—so that was a good thing. Erik, you mentioned earlier that poker can be boring as hell. How do you keep yourself sane? Lindgren You gotta bring the iPod. There are some super annoying people who play poker, and you wouldn’t spend one minute with them if you had a choice. So you might need an iPod. Or nose plugs. Is their annoyance calculated to get into your head or are they just slobs? Lindgren I think they’re just disgusting people. But a lot of them use their voice
I PLAY A LOT OF POTS. IT’S BORING TO SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR GOOD CARDS to their advantage, and they won’t shut up—take a guy like Mike “The Mouth” Matusow. That becomes ultra irritating. They’re not even using their brain, they’re just saying whatever comes to their mind, and it’s brutal. Seidel It’s mindless babble. They say they talk to intimidate players, but they do it everywhere, not just the table. So it’s not as if they’re just using it as a poker strategy. Lindgren They like to take credit for being an idiot.
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When you get tired of taking people’s money at poker, do you find other ways to milk them at the table? Ivey We’ll bet on certain combinations of cards coming on the board just to have something else to gamble on. Like, I’ll be hearts and someone else clubs. So if three hearts come on the board, they have to pay me. If three clubs come on the board, then I have to pay them. Harman They’re props. You also have props that are numbers, like, say you have to get 6, 7 and 8 on the flop. So if, for example, it comes, 6-6-7 or 7-6-8 or 8-8-8, you’ve hit it. Lindgren Once you win, the next hand you can say, “I’m on for double.” If it hits again, you’re paid double. Then triple. Seidel It can be a distraction. Lindgren It also can affect your poker. We were playing once, and Daniel Negreanu was on for triples. The key card to his prop hitting was a 5. But he was dealt two 5’s,
so a 5 was much less likely to hit the flop. We were playing $300/$600 no limit hold ’em, and he made a huge $5,000 raise. Everyone folded. He was like, “Yes!” He was so happy. It was a weird play to make with two fives—he was the first one in; he could have run into aces, but he wouldn’t have cared. He would have been happy just to fold, because his prop was potentially worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. Seidel They’re very sick puppies. Anything else you guys will bet on? Ivey If a basketball game’s on TV, we’ll bet on it. We’ll bet on anything. It’s a way of life. The other day we were out at a golf course in Phoenix and we bet on which piece of ice would melt first. I lost. Lindgren I liked that one. You don’t get more trivial than ice melting. FHM For more from the Team Full Tilt roundtable, log on to FHMUS.com/pokerlegends.
Mobsters, million-dollar pots and card-room shootings. Nobody has better tales than . . .
R N O In the ’50s and ’60s, you got your start playing outlawed poker games in Texas. How many times have you seen someone shot at the table?
You lived through the years when Vegas was all mobbed up. Were you constantly rubbing shoulders with goodfellas?
You forgot you had $90,000 in your pocket?
Ever been held up by someone you knew?
How do you protect yourself now?
'I GET OUT OF MY CAR EVERY NIGHT WITH A GUN IN MY HAND' So is watching Casino like a trip down memory lane for you?
Your nickname is Texas Dolly. No offense, but that’s not the most masculine handle.
You play in the Big Game—the highest stakes cash game in Vegas. What’s the most massive pot you’ve seen there?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen someone do to win a bet?
Playing for stakes that huge, are you still cased by robbers?
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f you spied three bikini-clad hotties chatting on Miami Beach, you’d expect their conversation to touch on little more than shoes, frozen yogurt and alimony. When the women in question are pro surfers, however, the talk is tough. That’s because for Karina Petroni, Daize Shayne and Claudia Goncalves, a day at the beach means dodging sharks, razor-sharp coral reefs and killer waves. “Surfing is badass,” says Daize Shayne, a pro longboarder and model. “Some days it’s like trying to tame a hurricane with a stick.” Joining Daize at FHM’s Miami Beach shoot are top-ranked World Qualifying Series Surf Tour competitor Karina Petroni and Brazil’s third-ranked pro surfer Claudia Goncalves. “Women who surf are usually strong, spontaneous and crazy,” Karina adds. “Why wouldn’t guys like us?” No argument here.
C LA U D I A São Paulo, Brazil
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How did you get into surfing?
As a surfer, you get to travel the world. What’s your ideal, sexy getaway spot? What’s been your gnarliest surf injury?
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Costa Mesa, CA
Have you ever surfed naked?
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Do surfer ladies have groupies?
Are their any downsides to being a pro surfer?
B I K I N I B Y CUS P AT C US P S W I M .CO M; N E CK L ACE B Y MAYA B REN N ER AT MAYAB REN N ER.C OM. IN S ET, F RO M LEF T: B IKIN I B Y V IX AT EV ER YT H I NGB U T WAT ER . CO M, B R ACEL ET S B Y S LOA N E D ES IGN S ; B I KI N I B Y CO S A B ELL A ; B IKIN I B Y C U SP AT C U SP S WIM.CO M
SURF GIRLS
K AR I N A Atlantic Beach, FL Have you ever stared down a shark?
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Do you ever have bathing suit malfunctions in the surf?
B I K I NI B Y C I A . M A RI ’ T IM A AT M OL LYB ROWN S W I M W E A R.CO M ; N ECKL ACE S B Y M AYA B RE N NE R AT M AYA BR E NN E R. CO M
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9 O N E R PARTLYAWS
(Deputy Cheresa Kimball) (Deputy S. Jones) (Deputy Clementine Johnson) (Deputy James Garcia) (Deputy Raineesha Williams) (Deputy Trudy Wiegel) (Deputy Travis Junior) (Lt. Jim Dangle)
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Haters of the women of Reno 911! get stopped by guys, they get it. The women don’t let us get away with jack. Yarbrough As a fake cop, I get away with illegal shit. If I wake up in jail, it’s not that I deserved it, it’s because I forgot who I am. I didn’t give the “Don’t you know who the fuck I am?” talk. That’s my fault.
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embrace the po po he Reno 911! cast has everything necessary for a proper party: Dudes with mustaches? Check. Accessible handcuffs? Yes. Comfort with legalized prostitution? Welcome to Reno! To celebrate the show’s July 9 return to Comedy Central, FHM threw the cast a policeman’s ball. We then sought party advice you can glean only from people who spend their days imper sonating police officers.
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Thomas Lennon (Lt. Jim Dangle) The goal for a party is to get the police to come. Robert Ben Garant (Deputy Travis Junior) It helps your party if cops are already there. They’re usually funny, heavy drinkers and armed, which is a great hat trick. Cedric Yarbrough (Deputy S. Jones) Cops are the first ones to get the coke from the trunk and bring it back into the party. Lennon And they know where the DUI checkpoints are, so they can give you a heads-up. It’s policy for us to invite cops to all of our parties. Cops love our parties. Niecy Nash (Deputy Raineesha Williams) Not women cops. They’re jealous heifers.
Carlos Alazraqui (Deputy James Garcia) When you’re going to a party, you always think you’re going to meet somebody and have this great one-night stand, but you may want to rub one out beforehand as a precaution. You don’t want to wind up going home with a loser and catching a disease like marriage. Yarbrough You definitely don’t want to mess around with a co-worker or a neighbor at a party. Lennon Or relatives. Garant See, this is where we don’t agree on everything. Mary Birdsong (Deputy Cheresa Kimball) The nice thing about hooking up with a neighbor is that you won’t have to do the walk of shame. You might have to take the elevator and do the elevation of shame, but when you’re talking about a booty call, what can be bad about saying, “I’ll be there in 30 seconds?” Wendi McLendon-Covey (Deputy Clementine Johnson) I don’t speak to my neighbors. It would never occur to me
HA I R B Y G I NA B O N AC Q U I S T I; M A K E U P B Y COU R T NE Y C A RE LL A N D SH AU NA G I ES B RE CH T; CO S T U ME D ES I G N ER : M A R YAN N B O Z EK; COS T U M E R: A L E X BAT E S ; P ROP M A S T E R : JO S H UA ME LT Z E R; PRO P S T Y LI S T S: JI LL PA RR Y A N D J YL KO B ER N I CK
tap ass responsibly
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to invite them to my party. If they tried to get an invite, I’d say, “Have you heard about Scientology?” That would take care of that right there. Kerri Kenney-Silver (Deputy Trudy Wiegel) Women should wear feathers in their hair like a peacock because men are attracted to pretty colors. In my single days, I wore a lot of headdresses and was reeling them in left and right. Garant If you’re the one throwing the party, rather than spending four hours cleaning the whole house beforehand, spend four hours on just the bathroom. Nothing bums a chick out like thinking, “I can’t go to the bathroom in here.” Alazraqui You’ve got to pull the pubes off the soap. Yarbrough Sometimes I put out oils and candles. If you have a picture of a cat, put that up. It’ll go a long way. Lennon Candles imply that you’ve read some books and went to Europe. It may or may not be true. It doesn’t matter. Just have some fucking candles.
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streak with caution McLendon-Covey I say, if the consent forms have been passed around and the food is covered, let the nudity commence. But be sanitary, for God’s sake. Yarbrough There’s nothing worse than nudity while you’re eating cheese dip. Birdsong I invite the ugliest, fattest people I can so I can be the party hottie. Garant We’re comedians, so almost everybody we know is an out-of-shape white guy. The upside is as long as you don’t have a Green Lantern shirt on, you’re fuckin’ Pierce Brosnan at our parties. Nash Women should wear panties to parties. If you go with no drawers and you drink too much, you’ll fall down and you ain’t shaved. Nobody wants to see that. McLendon-Covey It’s not as big a deal when boys whip it out. It flops out—OK, whatever.
Take a victory lap with The World’s Sexiest Athlete
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ove over, Sharapova. The sexiestathlete-in-the-world title is headed back to the US of A, thanks to two-time gold-medal swimmer Amanda Beard. The same 14-year-old who carried a teddy bear around during the Atlanta Olympic Games in 1996 is ready for her close-up.
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AMANDA BEARD take advantage of that. Being naked is no big deal in my house. Have you ever gotten it on in a swimming pool? Not yet. Never gotten naughty in a pool. A car? Who doesn’t get naughty in a car? But I’m not giving you any stories. There are no G-rated stories when it comes to that stuff. I’ll just say this: It’s much easier in the back seat. There’s too much stuff to maneuver around in the front seat. Let’s turn to swimming. With no free time, is the Beijing Olympics in 2008 a realistic goal? Oh, I’ve still got skills. I’ve got mad skills! I’m still motivated to swim. I love it. I have fun when I’m in the pool competing. The one place I feel completely at home is in the water. Like, I feel weird when I’m out of the water because I’m really clumsy on land, but as soon as I jump in the pool, it’s so comforting. I might as well be a mermaid. I’ve been doing it for 20 years now, and it still feels good, so yeah, my goal is to definitely compete at the Beijing Olympics in 2008. And it would be hard to leave any job that requires you to wear a bathing suit every day. I feel very comfortable in a bathing suit, but I think people don’t understand. They’re like, “How can you pose in bikinis and little skimpy outfits?” I’m like, “I go to the office in a two-piece swimsuit.” It’s not weird for me at all to hang out in a bikini. As soon as you put clothes on me, I’m like, “What’s going on?” I feel awkward in clothes. So me in a swimsuit, swimming in a pool, I’m happy. I mean it. On land, I’m so clumsy. I’m all Three Stooges combined into one. racing, if you don’t do well in one race, oh well, there’s another one a week later. Give us some of the stranger requests you’ve received since the 2004 Olympics in Athens. I’ve been asked to do a couple of reality shows. I’m not really ready for that kind of stuff yet, because it cuts into my training, and I don’t want to be known as a “has-been.” The Surreal Life wanted me. I think it’s a hilarious show and I love watching it, but wait until I have some crazy meltdown at a race first. Have you finally allowed yourself to skinny-dip in a pool? I just got a pool in my backyard. It’s so private, why would you wear a swimsuit? Now it’s annoying to swim when I have to wear a bathing suit. I’d much rather be in the pool naked, but most of the time I’d get in trouble. I told people
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It’s annoying to swim when I have to wear a bathing suit. I’d much rather be in the pool naked there’s a “no swimsuit” rule for my pool. I don’t know if people will go for it, but I’m having a bachelorette party this weekend, so we’ll find out. A bunch of naked girls in my pool. Isn’t that perfect for FHM? Maybe we’ll all have a pillow fight afterward. Yes, yes it is. Do you walk around the house naked? The thing that’s great about my house is that it’s very private. You could lie out with no clothes on. I can walk around the house naked anytime, and I definitely
Finally, did you get a world of grief for telling us last time you wedge your swimsuit up your butt? I get made fun of for that constantly, but I don’t care. I still wedge the swimsuit up my butt. That’s not going away until my butt is way too big and just doesn’t look good. That’s a problem I’ll have to deal with one day. When I stop swimming, then I’ll have to worry.FHM To see video of Amanda Beard’s photo shoot, go to
It’s not weird for me at all to hang out in a bikini. I go to the office in a two-piece swimsuit
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LADIES
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HEADD! TO HEA
It’s Honey vs. Honey. Vote online to decide who returns as next month’s champ! Last month’s results
n last month’s face-off, Audra Perkins of Swainsboro, GA, was but one win away from the three-victory streak that would have earned her entrance into the Hometown Honey Hall of Fame. Once the votes were tallied, however, she had been narrowly edged out by FHM newcomer Caroline Bryan representing Windermere, FL. Now Caroline returns to face lithe Hometown challenger Melanie Iglesias from New York’s Staten Island. Log on to FHMUS.com/honeys to cast your vote for which Honey should defend her crown in these pages next month. And as always— may the hottest Honey win!
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“There’s nothing to do in Staten Island except go to school,” says 19-year-old Melanie Iglesias. “Sure, it’s a borough of New York City, but it feels like a small town. The local hotspot is Starbucks. We have to make our own fun, which mostly means parties and sex.” Sweet. Here are more locals-only secrets of Staten Island.
Grass conceals! “Staten Island looks like it’s covered in rolling hills, but they’re actually grasscovered landfills. You wouldn’t know until summer, when it reeks of sour milk.” Boys rumble! “Whenever someone’s parents go gambling in Atlantic City, the kids throw a party. It always ends in a fight—the guys here think they’re in West Side Story.” Moves awe! “I look like an innocent girl, but I’m an amazingly sexy dancer. I love to put on fishnet stockings and hit Avalon, the local 18-and-up club. Guys are blown away.” Nookie domesticates! “Most kids here start having sex when they’re 16. Their parents are so relieved to know where they are, they let kids do it at home. Mine don’t, though. Sorry, boys.”
OW! the two things America does best. Celebrate our nation’s sexy riches by voting for the Hometown Honey who should return to face next month’s hot challenger at . . .
FHM .com/h Vote online between July 4 and 14.
CHALLENGER! ✘
ys
To vote for your favorite honey, text: FHMHON + her first name to 61000 ($.50/msg received+other charges apply*). Download Caroline (7488) or Melanie (7489) to your cell ($1.99*/download) by sending the text message: FHMHON + image number to 91000. *More details on page 142. Ladies!
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SEAL THE DEAL!
THREESOME
Want to make sure your hot date has a happy ending? Three FHM reader favorites tell you how MELISSA TOSCANO LAST SEEN Date of the Month May 2006 “I love men and I usually go on great dates. But sometimes, guys make mistakes that are so obvious you can’t believe they don’t know better. For example, a hot guy once took me to a fancy restaurant on a first date. The check was $150 and he paid—but he left the waitress 10 bucks! I waited tables for years, so I always tip at least 20 percent. I was so embarrassed that I snuck back to leave her another $20. Then I made him drive me home. Always tip big or you’ll look cheap, no matter what you spend on the girl. “Another no-no is letting anything interrupt sex. One time, a guy and I were going at it and he got a text message. He was so distracted by wondering who it was from that he lost his ability to perform. Finally, he checked the message—while I got dressed. But no one was as bad as the guy who gazed at me in bed and said, ‘You look just like my sister.’ Guys: Don’t ”
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Alwa tip big ys you’ll or lo cheapok
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LAST SEEN Ladies Confidential November 2005
“I have a lot of experience with men, but I’d have more if guys didn’t screw it up at the last minute. You’re never guaranteed booty. At any point before you’re doing the deed, you can still ruin it. A guy once took me back to his house after a great date and, midmakeout, took his pants off. He was wearing a neon-green thong. I couldn’t stop laughing. His pants went back on and I left. When you’re trying to get lucky, be sure nothing is going to distract a girl at the crucial moment, like scary underpants. “Another guy thought he could impress me by driving like a jerk. He was cutting everyone off in his Grand Am and nearly wrecked every five minutes. It was Valentine’s Day—the guaranteed get-laid night—but Mr. NASCAR got nothing from me. If you scare a girl in the car, she’s not getting in your bed.”
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You’re never ed guarante booty
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AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
SUNSHINE TUTT LAST SEEN Hometown Honeys December 2005
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“You start every date in a great position: If I’m out with you, I’m already attracted to you. All you have to do is not completely blow it. “I once went out with a cute guy and had a wonderful time. When I got to his house, I wanted to fix myself a drink to get in the mood. I got a glass from the cupboard and turned around to get some ice out of the freezer. By the time I’d turned back, the guy had already washed my glass and put it away! At that moment, I realized he was anal-retentive and all his sex appeal disappeared. “Plan a nice date, pick the girl up on time, then shut up. Don’t try to impress her with how much your car costs or how smart you are. She wants to talk, not listen. Keep quiet and she’ll think you’re mysterious. It also has the added advantage of preventing you from saying anything stupid.”
Pick the n girl up o n time, the shut up
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M E LI S S A : L AU R E N S A N TO I N E ; S U N SH IN E : P E RR Y H AG OP IA N ; L AU R A : LU C IA N A PA M PA LO NE
LAURA DE MARTINO
CONNECTIONS
20 HOT DATES! The single life rules. No woman to overcook your dinner. No bras on your bedroom floor. No lady’s butt snuggling against you as you sleep. Still, if you’re looking for love, FHM presents these 20 ladies. E-mail your favorite at FHMUS.com/dates. If she likes you, she’ll write back. Someone pretty to help when you fall in the shower—what could be better?
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SARAH FIGUEROA
San Juan, Puerto Rico On odds “Men set themselves up for failure. If they look at me and I look away, they’ll still approach me with some lame line. I know upon eye contact if I’m interested in you. If I’m not, you have no chance.”
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CARRIE MCMASTER
TATIANA PEREIRA
AMANDA BIAGINI
BRITT SHELSTAD
MONICA DAUDET
Monroeville, PA On types “I’d like to date someone who’s nice to me, but I always end up giving my love to total jerks. I guess that’s because I date only athletes, bodybuilders and male strippers.” 152
DATE OF THE MONTH!
Plant City, FL On truth “My boobs are so big people can’t believe they’re real. Once, I was with my mom, and some guys were talking to each other, saying, ‘Those are fake.’ My mom set them straight.”
AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
Columbus, OH On solidarity y g and I once started a huge streak-a-thon at a party. We stripped and started running around the block. When we looked back, 20 naked people were chasing after us.”
Gillette, WY On tragedy “I wasn’t popular in high school at all. I didn’t even have a date to my senior prom. That hurt my feelings. Now, looking back, I think those guys were too intimidated to ask me out.”
Vancouver, BC On enthusiasm “I love going to strip clubs. One time in Vegas, my girlfriends and I got so into the dancing that we ended up topless onstage. We didn’t come down until 9 a.m.”
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KATIE NICOLE
GENEVIEVE BOGGI
JESSICA JONES
ERICKA UNDERWOOD
LAURA KIDWELL
Palm Harbor, FL On fearr “I went on one date with a guy who was so nervous that he completely froze. He didn’t eat or speak during our dinner—he just sat there and stared at me. I was flattered, but annoyed.”
Salt Lake City, UT On technique “Unless a girl taught them, 99 percent of men don’t know how to give oral. If they do it too hard, it doesn’t feel good. If it’s too soft, I can’t feel a thing. I’m like, ‘God, get it right!’”
Placentia, CA On location “I get turned on having sex in public places. My all-time favorite place I’ve hooked up in was a church elevator. I have to change things up in bed or else I lose interest.”
Coral Springs, FL On tact “I’m constantly being approached by stupid, ugly men. I’ll say anything to make them leave. If a guy likes R&B, I’ll say, ‘I only listen to country.’ I used to be nice, but I’m over that.”
Pittsburgh, PA On exteriors “I once went on a date to a nudist colony. I loved running around naked. My guy wasn’t very wellhung, but he also wasn’t so fat that I couldn’t see his junk like most of the guys there.”
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ANGELIESE ADAMS
MARIA ORTEGA
JENNIFER PAULIN
KARLELISA WESLEY
ALI MOSS
Beverly Hills, CA On excess “My best date ever sent me 10 dozen roses, then took me to a fancy restaurant where the waitress brought me a Gucci handbag during dessert. Most guys treat me to Chinese on the sofa.”
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Riverside, CA On relativityy “The hotter the woman, the harder it is for her to find a man. Guys used to hit on me all the time, but ever since my breasts got huge, they’re terrified. Guys, what’s wrong with sexy?”
Jacksonville, FL On climate “One night, my friends and I were hanging out in the middle of the woods and we decided to go skinny-dipping—in February. I was freezing, but the guys suffered even more.”
Revere, MA On humility “Most girls hate me. They assume that I’m conceited because I’m tall, pretty and thin. They judge me because they’re jealous. It’s not my fault I’m better looking than they are.”
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Virginia Beach, VA On solutions “At a regular gym, guys try to talk to me while I’m on the treadmill. That’s why I always exercise at gay gyms. There, I could work out topless and no one would hit on me.” O LADIES!
Had enough “me time”? Let FHM introduce you to our 5.2 million readers. Visit us online to appear in a future issue of FHM! FHMUS.com/dates KATIE CARSO Canonsburg, PA On advertising “At the car dealership where I work, I sit at a window beside an intersection. Guys driving by always wave at me, but one had the guts to pull over and ask me for a date. I said yes.”
JAMIE JEANELLE Houston, TX On exercise “Girls who work out regularly are friskier in bed. If I don’t go to the gym for a while, I don’t even think about sex. But when I work out consistently, I want it 10 times a week.”
KERRI RUMPEL Annapolis, MD On contact “In high school, I was on the co-ed wrestling team—and I was ruthless. If a guy tried to cop a feel, I’d reach for his manhood and give it a squeeze. I always won those matches.”
JOSEPHINA HARVEY Orange, CA On friendship “My girlfriend and I once got a massage from a beautiful Japanese woman. When it was over, the three of us ended up making love. We didn’t pay for the massage, either.”
Send a text message to one of these sexy singles: FirstName + Date# + message (Sarah1 you are hot) to 61000 ($.50/msg rcvd; other charges apply*). To download a Hot Date pic to your cell ($1.99 per download*), send the text message: FHMDATES + Date# (e.g. FHMDATES1) to 91000. *More details on page 142.
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LADIES
FROM THE Where ladies maximize the time their supervisor is out of the office osses of America: Girls don’t want to have fun—they need to have fun. That’s why Jessica Bellman, a 21-year-old executive assistant from Rockville, MD, posed for pictures on her chief’s desk, then sent them to FHM. Yahtzee!
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ICA JESSLMAN BEL Age
WOMEN CAN’T BE WRONG
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“I do everything for my boss, Mr. Ahmed, from event planning to taking dictation. He’s nice, but he never lightens up. I hope this will show him that business and pleasure can mix.”
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ess heroine by Become a busin ss the shock of giving your bo with a spread a lifetime or her desk. his on your Send proof of p to desktop rom sk, s De From the Boss’th Ave., FHM, 110 Fif 10011 New York, NY
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“I’m going to lay FHM open on Mr. Ahmed’s desk and then watch his face as he realizes it’s me. He’ll close it right away, then hide it in his desk drawer to study later.”
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“One Sunday, I had to come in at 6 a.m. to catch up. By noon, I needed some fun, so I called my girlfriend to come take these pictures.”
Love going to the beach Find lifeguards sexy Check out other women’s bodies at the beach Can float Wouldn’t mind riding a surfer Coo at the sight of dolphins Claim to enjoy the taste of seaweed Say they enjoy the music of the Beach Boys Hate tan lines Are terrified of sharks Have picked up a man at the beach Can perform CPR Have had sex on the beach Prefer tanning to swimming Can inflate an inner tube by mouth Have been stung by a jellyfish Admit that they cry at the end of the movie Beaches. Every time. Think they would do well on Survivor Get turned on by swimming in the ocean Enjoy drinking sex on the beach Would trade their ride for a dune buggy Say they’re scared of the ocean Think Atlantis exists Confess that they still like Baywatch Regularly sunbathe topless Have strutted their stuff at a nude beach Go to the beach with the aim of picking up men
THE TOP BRASS!
Have gotten sand stuck in uncomfortable places Know how to surf Wear a thong at the beach Allow attractive strangers to rub oil on their bodies
COMPANY
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NAME
Are capable of only dog-paddling Own tan-through swimsuits Believe in mermaids Would hook up with a guy to spend the night in his beach house Have been hospitalized by sunburn
POSITION
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AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
LADIES ADVICE
ASK BETH & ISAAC! She’s an FHM cover star. He’s matchmaker of the high seas. Together they’ll fix your dismal life I’m woken!
Q
girlfriend starts vacuuming at 8 a.m. the next morning. Make it stop. She’s Cleaning, Drexel Hill, PA Beth How often are you going out without her? If you’re coming home late once a month or so, she’s probably one of those jealous women who wants to control their men. Ask her along next time—if you want her there—but don’t give up time with your guy friends. That’s not negotiable. If she thinks it is, ask yourself why you’re with her. And next time you’re out with the guys, look around: There are a lot of available ladies out there. Isaac Wow, that’s chicken shit. She doesn’t love you. You probably have money and she’s coasting until something better comes along. So this relationship will end, but in the meantime, here’s what you do: Before you leave, remove a crucial part of the vacuum cleaner. Take out the bag or unscrew a wheel or something and put it in your pocket. You’ll get one good night’s sleep. But that won’t change the bigger problem: This bitch doesn’t like you.
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HOW TO
My wife expects me to know how to fix everything around the house. I’m an I.T. guy, not Bob Vila. Help! Bruised Thumbs, Warwick, RI Beth My boyfriend can’t fix anything—it’s up to me to do the handiwork around the house. That said, it’s not a guy’s duty to know how to fix everything; it’s a guy’s job to make sure the work gets done right. Call a professional. There’s nothing worse than a guy playing macho who ends up making a bad problem worse.
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I’m invited!
Beth says “Tell her she’s great—so great, in fact, that she reminds you of your sister. She’ll know not to expect any action then.”
Isaac says “Don’t reject an ugly girl; give her a date. You won’t have to do a second date, and you’ll look like a nice guy. Her hot friends will notice that.”
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I’m unmanly!
I’m going to five weddings this summer. How can I make sure I score a bridesmaid? Opportunity Knocks, Coral Gables, FL Beth Set your sights on one girl— you don’t have a lot of time to seal the deal, so focus your efforts. At the start of the reception, approach her and say, “You did a great job.” It’s the perfect opening line—complimentary, inoffensive and it gets the conversation started. Next, ply her with champagne and don’t get too drunk yourself. If she’s single, she’ll be looking to score too. That’s the beauty of weddings. Isaac Weddings are euphoric for the women. That’s why you can even get
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That’s way more pathetic than not asking for help in the first place. Isaac Here’s the problem: Your girl grew up watching her daddy fix stuff, so she expects you to do it too. Knowing that, you should call her old man and say, “Susie wants me to fix the toilet, but I’m not sure how.” The dad will say, “I’ll be right over.” Why? Because that asshole loves to fix shit. You won’t have to fix anything—all you’ll do is pass him the wrench. Plus, the situation becomes a bonding time and he’ll think you’re OK. ones who have boyfriends. A lot of times, the boyfriend will pull out of going to the wedding. If you find a girl by herself, ask, “Why didn’t your boyfriend come?” Then point out that he probably doesn’t want to get married. Ever. She’ll realize you’re telling the truth, plus you’re talking about marriage, which shows you’re not afraid of it. She might think you’re a better deal than her guy back home.
DIDDLED BY LOVE?
Ask Beth & Isaac FHMUS.com /askbethandisaac
P H OTO G R A P H Y B Y P E R R Y HAGOP I A N ; S T Y LI N G B Y D E BO R A FR A N C I S ; H A I R B Y MI CHA E L S ILVA FO R A AR TI S T L O FT. CO M U S I N G MAT R I X ; MA K EU P B Y NE V I O R AG A ZZI N I FO R V I N C E N T LO N G O AT I LL U S I O N’S M A N AG E M E N T N Y C ; PRO P S T YL I NG B Y DAVI D MAT T H EW WA LTER S ; B I K I N I B Y CH I O
Don’t give up time with your guy friends. That’s not negotiable
