VOLUME 1, ISSUE 5
T H E
> FO L I O
DECEMBER 1, 2005
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
PRESIDENT’S LIST OF PRIORITIES
GAS PRICES DROP TO ALL NEW LOW
VICEPRESIDENT CHENEY OUTSOURCES JOB TO INDIA
1
1
2
PLEASE NOTE THAT: !" The President is expected to start doing his job, as a courtesy to his people, this Christmas. !" If ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’, then shouldn’t harmless proclivities to bomb other countries be at odds with the American Congress? !" Common Sense, to the American government, is actually a movie starring Drew Barrymore.
PRESIDENT’S LIST OF PRIORITIES Wednesday, January 2 2006— Just today, President George H.W. Bush announced that he would be publishing a list of priorities in order to clarify his shifting responsibilities. “It’s been assumed for far too long that the American people weren’t even on that list,” announced Bush. “That’s about to change. The people will know that they matter in my heart.” “And the best way to show my love, of course, is to procure cheap gasoline for them,” finished Bush. High up on the list are key elements such as upholding foreign relations and preserving global democracy. Upholding unalienable rights makes a wimpy thirty-third, however.
“You’ve got to sacrifice some rights if you want to life in safety,” stated President Bush when asked about this wimpy status (for one of the Declaration’s basic tenets). He further demonstrated the complete safety of Americans by raising the terror level to Orange an hour later. Priorities may attract criticism from some parties. Renewable energy sources are nowhere to be found on the list.
ority will be disguising the inefficiency of the current administration with shadowy priorities and mixed messages. Two hours before press release, a spokesman announced that there was no such list, however, and that the President was already well-acquainted with his priorities and needed no guide whatsoever. It’s rare that we have such a qualified ruler to lead America.
“That’s silly. Oil comes from a hole in the ground. If that’s not renewable, what is? We’ll just make more holes,” scoffed oilindustry spokesman Carl Reyes. The list, unfortunately, was classified, but reliable sources suggest that America’s top pri-
“I provide unwavering security, James. Now, let’s decide that fluctuating terror level’s color today…”
GAS PRICES DROP TO ALL NEW LOW OF $16.80 Thursday, April 12 2007— Following several economic policies aimed at reducing rapidly increasing gas prices, the price of gas today dropped to an all new low of $16.80.
lower prices by sponsoring new military efforts in the East and promoting friendly mascot “Jules”, a cute seal often depicted as frolicking in Iraq’s happy, happy oil fields.
Gas prices, which have increased steadily since 2003, peaked at $32.56 last September. Government efforts to
“Legislation made to curtail rising oil consummation is not a possibility,” says Bush. “All should have a right to purchase
gas-guzzling vehicles from my major contributors.” Fortunately, the economy can be expected to prosper, what with the President’s decision to cut unnecessary funding for renewable energy sources.
I F
I T
W O R K S ,
F I X
I T
‘ T I L
I T
B R E A K S
“You’re going to Iraq, right? Remember, it’s only Democracy if they vote for our guy. And they want Democracy.”
www.nowscape.com/
Your very own amendment to the Constitution! January 11—Last day to buy a third-party congressman!
20% Off—(Special discounts for Republican party sponsors and military contractors) A Better America Through Corruption and Greed!
1600 Duplex Apartments, W D.C. 18120 Tel: 666-6766
Expiration Date:
2008
VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY OUTSOURCES JOB TO INDIA Friday, December 16 2005— in a recent trend started by Fortune 500 companies, Dick Cheney announced today that he would be outsourcing his job to India. “It’s cheaper to have some poor bastard there do it. It’s also less time consuming for me,” said Dick Cheney. Polls indicating concern that the American government would be placed into foreign hands have been dismissed. “I can assure you that I have chosen a very efficient technician to hold the position of Vice President,” reassured
Dick Cheney. This wouldn’t be the first time that a government job has been outsourced to foreign countries. The charge of investigating 9/11 was given to four six-year old Laotitian boys, and the responsibility of assuring economic prosperity was handed down to surfer Andy Irons. Thus far, no noticeable changes have been made. Preliminary reports indicate that the dollar may drop below the current market value of basalt before the New Year, though.
President Bush, fully aware of the decision, does have one reservation. “I can understand his choice. Responsibility, though, should not be handed down so quickly. I have already proposed that a magic-8 ball second every judgment this new Vice-President makes.” President Bush will be outsourcing his job to a randomword generator later this week.
