Ok so i just finished reading gopi krishna experience of kundalini, it struck me with so much similiary with my own experience with it, and it just helped me so much right now to rebalance myself that i decided to comment it to compare with my own experience

so gopi krisha experience starts like that :

Entirely unprepared for such a development, I was completely taken by surprise; but regaining selfcontrol instantaneously, I remained sitting in the same posture, keeping my mind on the point of concentration. The illumination grew brighter and brighter, the roaring louder, I experienced a rocking sensation and then felt myself slipping out of my body, entirely enveloped in a halo of light. It is impossible to describe the experience accurately. I felt the point of consciousness that was myself growing wider, surrounded by waves of light. It grew wider and wider, spreading outward while the body, normally the immediate object of its perception, appeared to have receded into the distance until I became entirely unconscious of it. I was now all consciousness, without any outline, without any idea of a corporeal appendage, without any feeling or sensation coming from the senses, immersed in a sea of light simultaneously conscious and aware of every point, spread out, as it were, in all directions without any barrier or material obstruction. I was no longer myself, or to be more accurate, no longer as I knew myself to be, a small point of awareness confined in a body, but instead was a vast circle of consciousness in which the body was but a point, bathed in light and in a state of exaltation and happiness impossible to describe. This happened to me in smiliar context, i started to practice meditation after i joined some new age internet forum, the context in which i joined this forum is maybe worthy to mention, it was in a period when i have been absorbed into conspiracy theory, and that my mind open to the mystic, usually i'm more a rational person, i have had rather a scientific rational education, my father has bit of communist background and both my parent had scientific education, but also had some experience with free masonery in the context of my gran father who was a bit in wierd political circle related to spain civil war anarchists, so i've been a bit aware of conspiracy theories and free masonery and occult side of modern power WW2 society since young, but never really digged into mysticism and then i was on an IRC channel dedicated to programming (as i'm a programmer), and this chan is usally rather really technical and even a bit dull, and finish guy came in and started to speak about some mystical concept, and i was all in the middle of doing some research about occult societies and a bit in what could be called a mid form of mystical crisis, but really only a tiny glimpse of what happened after kundalini start to rise, and then he showed me some links about some article he wrote on a new age forum about religions, prophets, shamanism and this sort of things, and it got me totally hooked on that forum, and i started to practice meditation rather intensivly, as i always had some mid issue of concentration and stress, and i was also in a stressing period, having my own company of software developpement to mannage, and living in rather precarious situation with lot of stress, and meditation seem to be a good thing so some girl on that forum posted some meditation related to chakra who was dedicated to kundalini, but i didn't even had a single bit of clue of what kundalini was about, i didn't even notice the article was about some kundalini awakening meditation, it just seemed like a cool exercice to focus on chakra one by one upward while meditatiting, so i tried it

the result was not as immediate as described by gophi krishna, i actually started to feel the effect of it only a few hour after, and i started to feel some kind of intense heat starting to flow along my spine, feeling some kind of slight burning along my spine, and as matter of pure luck, someone else start to mention kundalini symptoms right at that time on the forum, and i instantly identified my own sensation with the kundalini with the follow day, i intensified quite a lot my practice of meditation, the wonderfull waves of extatic bliss that started to invade me looked so wonderfull and a great feeling of plenitude and extremly pleasurable physical sensation of relaxation and organism warmth that started to grow in my whole body totally amazed me, my vision also started to get much clearer, object seemed much more bright and shiny, and i felt like my body dissolving into an ocean of bliss

It seemed as if my vitality had been drained out. My arms were no better. I massaged my thighs and legs gently, and, feeling a little better, slowly walked downstairs. Saying nothing to my wife, I took my meal in silence and left for work. My appetite was not as keen as usual, my mouth apeared dry, and I could not put my thoughts into my work in the office. I was in a state of exhaustion and lassitude, disinclined to talk. After a while, feeling suffocated and ill at ease, I left for a short walk in the street with the idea of finding diversion for my thoughts. My mind reverted again and again to the experience of the morning, trying to recreate in imagination the marvellous phenomenon I had witnessed, but without success. My body, especially the legs, still felt weak, and I could not walk for long. I took no interest in the people whom I met, and walked with a sense of detachment and indifference to my surroundings quite foreign to me. I returned to my desk sooner than I had intended, and passed the remaining hours toying with my pen and papers, unable to compose my thoughts sufficiently to work.

Unlike gopi krishna, the first month of my experience were nothing but purely positive. I really experienced more and more of the symptoms, as my practice of mediation became more and more regular , i could be able to meditate for longer and longer time, i felt i gained really amazing physical energy, actually the total opposite of what gopi krishna relate, i felt really full of energy, of joy, my interest in people totally increased, i felt much more confident, at ease with everything, like if my whole mental power decupled within the following weeks and month, i felt like invincible and able to overcome any challenge of any nature without the least problem the sensation was so amazing that i started to speak to it with my sister, not knowing what to expect of talking to her, but the feeling was so great and so amazing that i wanted to share my experience with her, and at my biggest surprise, she admitted to me that she was feeling the same thing, that for her it started actually during a sexual relation, and she described the same thing than what i was experiencing, viz, a strong feeling of current flowwing up the spine, giving some kind of very strong mental power, blissfull energy, sometime being a bit overhelming, in the sense that it can give a feeling of restlessness, or of hyperactivity, and so i was really doubly happy that i could even share this amazing experience with someone as close to me as my sister, really what a luck, nothing as dramatic as gopi krishna the first noticeable incident worthy to mention started about 6 month or 1 year latter, when i got a pneunomia, that was actually very unexpected, it just started as a common cold, then degenerated rather quickly into a high fever flu, after 2/3 day i was totally stuck in bed, unable to breath, with huge cramps running all along my back, so i decided to get to the doctor to get some musclar

relexant because the cramps were just unbearable, and the doctor told me to run to emergency room, there i've been x rayed and diganosed pneuomnia, after few blood test i was diagnosed with a start of septic shock, which is supposed to be extremly rare for this age (i was 28), doctor were so amazed at my low level of white cells that they made me an AIDS test, and i spent 2 week at the hospital, my blood pressure dropped very low, but thanks to anti biotics, i got out of it rather ok, without big problem i then read about skeptic shocks being possibly happening during kundalini due to massive detoxication and white cells being overhelmed by the level of detox, or another explanation rather more mystical that i think make more sense to me, about the global feeling of surrendering that accompagnate kundalini awekening, as gopi krisha describe as body expanding, and making one with surrounding, which can actually trigger some sort of lowering of the barrier with the outside world that are represented by white cell and imune system, maybe it's this, maybe not, i'm not really sure, maybe it's just a regular flu that degenerated, but no doctor could really explain why my immune system was so low, and i have read on some several site that looked rather serious that skepitc shock can happen often in some of the first stage of developpement of kundalini, but not sure if it's really related to this but otherwise, at the exact opposite of gopi krishna, my overall physiscal energy seemed to decuplate, before i had the pneumonia, i started to get into running a bit, and i just ran a few miles few times a week, after i started to really developped kundalini further, my cardio performance started to really decuplate, i quickly reached performance that even astounded the boyfried of my sister who was sport teacher as i reached the 20km in 2h rather quickly after a few month, and rather easily, it felt like my body was filled with a constant infinite source of energy and that cardio exercice like marathon was really helping to eliminate toxins and helping my body to develop the second unpleasant experience has been during this while, i started to get more and more involved into many kind of spiritual community, more and more avid of mystical reading, and expanding my consciousness on all directions, and during a period of time, i started to translated some meditation exercice, and trying to teach some people who were interested into meditation and chakras to awaken kundalini, i didn't supect any danger at that time with it, and it was so much of an amazing experience that seemed so positive that i wanted to share it with the more people possible but during that time, i did very intensive meditative work, and at some point it started to feel like immense rush of energy in my back were getting totally out of control, and that the power was starting to totally exeed what my organism could take, i was totally unaware of blockage at that time, but the fact is my body has undergone many injuries and surgeries during my youth, broken foot, broken ankle, broken knee, hernia,appendicitis, the pneumonia, broken arm, all on the right side of my body, and i felt like the energy was starting to get commpressed and i was feeling very uneasy about the whole thing fortunatly, some girl on the forum i was has been very well advised to talk to me about accupressure charts, and secondary channels, meridians, and all that, and suddently energy started to flow fully in my whole body, in the same time relieving this feeling of uneasy pressure that was starting to make me feel a bit scared and out of control, but in the same time while flowing the rest of my body, showing some area where it could barely flow at all that averated to turn very painfull, like burning , started to developped spasm in my right leg that i still have to this day, but much less painfull, after a few day of hot bathing and meditation and relaxation, i felt like spasm magically put everything back in the right place suddently, it felt like extasy flowing in those that were feeling rather painfull and less sensitive, and i started to be able to make the energy move into my whole body, which has been a really amazing experience, feeling this current moving under my skin in a

controllable manner, even with the little bit of pain resulting of the ancient injuries, it was all very mannageable and sitll rather pleasant back all together, and my amazement of this wonderfull potential of energy increase of one degree, after this, things started to get downhill rather quickly in an unexpected manner , actually as i was enjoyed this immense boost of physical stamina, and i always been an avid dancer, fan of electronic music, raving, i had made several experience of psychedelic drugs, and as there was a festival going on nearby, i decided to do the crash test to try to hold the whole night dancing without taking any kind of drugs at all It worked wonder, and i could spend the whole nigh dancing like mad, so much like many people asked me where to find extasies, and was looking me with a very skeptical look when i told i didn't take anything, i only took a bottle of 1.5 of coca cola, not even beer that i suspect that could only pollute my organism and decrease my over all energy, just coca cola for hydratation, but nothing else this few days of the festical have actually constitued a very critical turning point on many aspect, as much because it was just few day after i felt kundalini was started to reach its whole potentially by reaching my whole body to my foot toes to the tips of my hairs, but it also started a chain of event that finished into leading me to the state of terror that gopi krishna experienced in fact it all started rather nicely, at some point so at that festival, i took a little break of dancing, to meditate to recharge my energy which had became so efficient with relaxing muscle and my cell producing this wonderfull juice that is able to restor stamina in my whole body, and then 6 girls started to sit all around me i quickly noticed that they were lesbian, and started to sit in meditation position around me, oddly enought at this point it looked rather annoying, cause i was more wanting to be alone to recharge my energy, and they still a look a bit superficial, they were blond, clothed in pink with their little bag, they seemed nice all together, but i was not really feeling like enjoying social interaction, just relaxing enjoying the endorphine of the physical effort of dancing mixing with kundalini, well i didn't mind them that much either, then they went away, leaving their bag next to me, then came back, and as i stood up, started to kiss in front of me started to tease me, but i was not really in the mood for that, i was not even unconfortable or anything, but i was just a bit unexpected and i was more focused on testing my new physical power of ininite dancing and sustaining effort that seemed to be so new and so extatic and i was not really in the mood for that so ok they go away, i felt bit dumb on the moment to remain alone like that, but the feeling quickly went away and the night finished rather ok, even in the morning i was still full of energy, enought to hang around in the festical and meet with people, who were all mostly drunk or drugged, and i didn't take single bit of drug of alcool , so i was not totally in the same mood than other, but then i mannaged to even go back home hithiking, and i was not even feeling slighest bit of tired at all then i reproduced the experience in another club, and same thing, two lesbian start to come to me while i was dancing, one of the girl said to me 'you look so peacefull', i was like yeah is it that much easily seen that i'm peacefull, i was so amazed by their comment, like if my energy of peace was radiating so blatently or something, like if i was starting to develop some kind of weird psychic power of peace and charisma, but still something felt a bit odd with those girls that were coming to me randomly, that i didn't really spot too much at that time then i decided to post about that on a spiritual forum i was on, i don't remember how i started to speak about it, but basically saying it was weird that lesbian seemed to be somehow attract to me

while i was dancing, the first time two girl who sat in meditation position, the other time saying i look peacefull, it was seemed rather at odd that i was attracting this kind of girl while trying to expand kundalini power with dancing as the discussion of te topic was unfolding, and that some guy were a bit laughting at the whole thing, then a girl answer the comment that radically changed my whole out look, saying that those girl were probably some kind of traumatised, which completly shifted my whole perspective on the situation need to mention here that i had a very traumatising experience as a teen, as a new neightboor installed in my area, it was a single father with his daugher and son, as we started to meet them, he seemed to be very nice, he was ex sailor, so he was having lot of story to say, and we were allow to drink a lot in his home, and to smoke cig, watch porn movie, he was very open, but in the same time, installing a sort of implict contract of secret between him and our parents, in the sense you don't tell about what we do to your parents and everything is fine, and i started to date his daugther, and we stayed some years together, spending almost every week end in his home, drinking like mad all the time, i was getting very close to them, as my parent always been rather absent from my life being rather busy, he was bit sort of my confident or sort of model, and then after she moved out a year after they moved, police started to call me, asking question about his father, as they became insistant, i decided to meet her back to know what was going on, i wanted to know if police were to question me if there was something special going on, she didn't want to answer me, and while i was in her home, the police call on my cell phone, saying me they want to see me now as i'm in the surrounding of their police station, and then she tell me her father has been rapping her since she was 12, and then the police told me they found tape of me and her having sex in her room, taken by his father , and the whole lot of morbid thing, i was totally shocked, i felt totally betrayed like the whole world was collapsing around me so this happened about 10 year before i started to have kunalini, but then been called as witness to the trial, her father took 7 year of jail for pedophilia, they couldn't really prove the tape was taken by him and not by us, it has left her little brother devastated, while quite bad story that left some deep scarce into my mind, but as i was rather busy, started a software company in paris and totally changed my environement , i had more or less burried this, but i also had several girl friend who had issue of incest of been abused sexually in the past, but never digged it too much as the girl tell me this thing about those lesbian girl probably having past of sexual abuse, it trigger a sort of massive come back of these story i had burried, and then i started to realize that number of girl i was around on those esoteric circle also had past of abuse, i was also getting a bit in attracted to another girl on another internet place, and as i investigated a bit, i realised most of them had past of abuse, were often under psychiatric treatement gopi krishna often speak about some kind of paradigm shift that can happen during kundalini experience, but there what happend to me in this short period of time was really of another nature, what gopi krisnha relate is often more of transcend nature, but here it was not transcendant paradigm shift, more awakening to the crude reality, as i was also in a period of rather precarity, the company had stopped so i was technically jobless for about a year, but all together decided that it was not too much of a problem, and like this i had more time to focus on meditation and spiritual research, but then i realised the situation in which i was, and how close i was to be actually psychiatric myself, being in very pracious situation, in my spiritual bubble of kundalini developpement, and it made all my past issue ressurfacing massivly creating indescriptible violent mix of emotion mxing anger, saddness, despair, i was feeling completly disgusted about the world suddently, realising i was surrounded by mostly people with psychiatric condition, past of abuse,

which has dived me into a very sudden down of intense emotional turmoil that totally destabilised the fragile balance that i mannaged to install during my kundalini experience it was so intense, between some kind of sexual desire i had with the other girl that still rather boosted hugely my lower chakra activity, helping to really burn even more of the lower chakr blockage i could have (yeah creepy ok :D), but energy was also rushing more and more into the injuried painfull part of my body, specially in my right leg, but all on the right side, then i felt all sudenttly totally so overhelmed, that i started to need to take morphin pills that i had back in day for my pneumonia that i didn't take using kundalini to deal with the pain, to just be a bit calm down and avoid the massive mental break down that started to suddently take over my whole mind and body and completly destabilsing my fragile mental equilibrium during a massive paradigm shift and past issue resurfacing in the same that i started a new job, fortunatly the guy with whom i was starting the job was a guy with whom i was doing the company before, and he knew about my issue with the father of my gf some 10 year back, and so he was understanding, so i could still start the job and rather ok even if i was feeling really turmoiled inside, started to have difficulty to concentrate and meditate, like my whole mental and psyche was collasping irremediably in a way that i couldn't even prevent and from there my state started to degrade very quickly i started not to be able to sleep, not to be able to calm down, and then the anxiety feeling that gopi krishna describe, the feeling of constant anxiety, of terror, that someting was suddently going very wrong in my psyche, that was collapsing very quickly in a way that was scaring me very deeply , with fire starting to burn all over my body

For a few days I thought I was suffering from hallucinations, hoping that my condition would become normal again after some time. But instead of disappearing or even diminishing as the days went by, the abnormality became more and more pronounced, assuming gradually the state of an obsession, which grew in intensity as the luminous appearances became wilder and more fantastic and the noises louder and more uncanny. The dreadful thought began to take hold of my mind that I was irretrievably heading towards a disaster from which I was powerless to save myself. To one uninitiated in the esoteric science of Kundalini, as I was at that time, all that transpired afterwards presented such an abnormal and unnatural appearance that I became extremely nervous about the outcome. I passed every minute of the time in a state of acute anxiety and tension, at a loss to know what had happened to me and why my system was functioning in such an entirely abnormal manner. I felt exhausted and spent. The day after the experience I suffered loss of appetite, and food tasted like ash in my mouth. My tongue was coated white, and there was a redness in the eyes never noticed before. My face wore a haggard and anxious expression, and there were acute disturbances in the digestive and excretory organs. I lost my regularity and found myself at the mercy of a newly released force about which I knew nothing, creating a tumultuous and agitated condition of the mind as the sweep of a tempest creates an agitation in the placid waters of a lake. This widening and narrowing were accompanied by a host of terrors for me. At times I felt slightly elated with a transient morbid sense of well-being and achievement, forgetting for the time being the abnormal state I was in, but soon after was made acutely conscious of my critical condition and again oppressed by a tormenting cloud of fear. The few brief intervals of mental elation were followed by fits of depression much more prolonged and so acute that I had to muster all my strength and will-power to keep myself from succumbing completely to their influence. I sometimes gagged my mouth to keep from crying and fled from the solitude of my room to the crowded street to prevent myself from doing some desperate act.

For weeks I had no respite. Each morning heralded for me a new kind of terror, a fresh complication in the already disordered system, a deeper fit of melancholy or more irritable condition of the mind which I had to restrain to prevent itfrom completely overwhelming me by keeping myself alert, usually after a completely sleepless night; and after withstanding patiently the tortures of the day, I had to prepare myself for the even worse torment of the night. A man cheerfully overcomes insurmountable difficulties and bravely faces overwhelming odds when he is confident of his mental and physical condition. I completely lost confidence in my own mind and body and lived like a haunted, terror-stricken stranger in my own flesh, constantly reminded of my precarious state. My consciousness was in such a state of unceasing flux that I was never certain how it would behave within the next few minutes. It rose and fell like a wave, raising me one moment out of the clutches of fear to dash me again the next into the depths of despair. It seemed as if the stream of vitality rising into my brain through the backbone connected mysteriously with the region near the base of the spine was playing strange tricks with my imagination. Also I was unable to stop it or to resist its effect on my thoughts. Was I losing my mind? Were these the first indications of mental disorder? This thought constantly drove me to desperation. It was not so much the extremely weird nature of my mental condition as the fear of incipient madness or some grave disorder of the nervous system which filled me with growing dismay. For weeks I wrestled with the mental gloom caused by my abnormal condition, growing more despondent each day. My face became extremely pale and my body thin and weak. I felt a distaste for food and found fear clutching my heart the moment I swallowed anything. Often I left the plate untouched. Very soon my whole intake of food amounted to a cup or two of milk and a few oranges. Beyond that I could eat nothing. I knew I could not survive for long on such an insufficient diet, but I could not help it. I was burning inside but had no means to assuage the fire. While my intake of food was drastically reduced, the daily expenditure of energy increased tremendously. My restlessness had assumed such a state that I could not sit quietly for even half an hour. When I did so, my attention was drawn irresistibly towards the strange behaviour of my mind. Immediately the ever-present sense of fear was intensified, and my heart thumped violently. I had to divert my attention somehow to free myself from the horror of my condition. But how long could my resistance last? How long could I save myself from madness creeping upon me? My starving body was becoming weaker and weaker; my legs tottered under me while I walked, and yet walk I had to if I was to rid myself of the clutching terror which gripped my heart as soon as I allowed my mind to brood upon itself. My memory became weaker and I faltered in my talk, while the anxious expression on my face deepened. At the blackest moments, my eyebrows drew together into an anxious frown, the thickly wrinkled forehead and a wild look in my gleaming eyes giving my countenance a maniacal expression. Several times during the day I glanced at myself in the looking-glass or felt my pulse, and to my horror found myself deteriorating more and more. I do not know what sustained my will so that even in a state of extreme terror I could maintain control over my actions and gestures. No one could even suspect what was happening to me inside. I knew that but a thin line now separated me from lunacy, and yet I gave no indication of my condition to anyone. I suffered unbearable torture in silence, weeping internally at the sad turn of events, blaming myself bitterly again and again for having delved into the supernatural without first acquiring a fuller knowledge of the subject and providing against the dangers and risks of the path.Even at the times of greatest dejection, and even when almost at the breaking point, something inside prevented me from consulting a physician. There was no psychiatrist at Jammu in those days, and even if there had been one, I am sure I should not have gone to see him. It was well that I did not do so. The little knowledge of diseases that I possessed was enough to tell me that my abnormality was unique, that it was neither purely psychic nor purely physical, but the outcome of an alteration in the nervous activity of my body, which no therapist on earth could correctly diagnose or cure. On the other hand, a single mistake in treatment in that highly dangerous condition, when the whole system was in

a state of complete disorder and not amenable to control, might have proved fatal. Mistakes were inevitable in view of the entirely obscure and unidentifiable nature of the disease. A skilled physician bases his observations on the symptoms present in an ailment, relying for the success of his treatment on the uniformity of pathological conditions in the normal human body. Physiological processes follow a certain specific rhythm which the body tries to maintain under all ordinary circumstances. In my case, since the basic element responsible for the rhythm and the uniformity was at the moment itself in a state of turmoil, the anarchyprevailing not only in the system but also in the sphere of thought, nay in the innermost recesses of my being, can be better imagined than described. I did not know then what I came to grasp later on—that an automatic mechanism, forced by the practice of meditation, had suddenly started to function with the object of reshaping my mind to make it fit for the expression of a more heightened and extended consciousness, by means of biological processes as natural and as governed by inviolable laws as the evolution of species or the development and birth of a child. But to my great misfortune I did not know this at the time. To the best of my knowledge, this mighty secret of nature is not known on earth today, although there is ample evidence to show that certain methods to deal with the condition, when brought about suddenly by the practice of Hatha Yoga, were fully known to the ancient adepts. I studied my condition thoroughly from day to day to assure myself that what I experienced was real and not imaginary. Just as a man finding himself in an unbelievable situation pinches himself to make certain that he is not dreaming but awake, I invariably studied my bodily symptoms to find corroboration for my mental condition. It would be a fallacy to assume that I was the victim of a hallucination. Subsequent events and my present condition absolutely rule out that possibility. No, the crisis I was passing through was not a creation of my own imagination. It had a real physiological basis and was interwoven with the whole organic structure of my body. The entire machinery from the brain to the smallest organ was deeply involved, and there was no escape for me from the storm of nervous forces which blew through my system day and night, released unexpectedly by my own effort.

The following have been like a long nightmare from which i was loosing more and more hope to even recover, my whole body was burning more and more, becoming more and more painfull, and i ran out rather quickly of morphin pills, which were need to say very helpfull to contain the growing pain of burning through past injuries, and to calm my locotomitive brain that was getting quickly out of control as well as my emotions, i was also very mixed about seing a psychiratrist, i already saw one was a kid because of night terror, and problem at school, which also started to resurface all together the thing is that also i grew up in a little catholic village , both my parents were immigrants, and people are very conservative there, and i always had lot of issue with integration there, people were very mean to me all the time, very cold, i had hell of time to fit in because everyone knew each other for generation, and i was really an alien there, my parents didn't have much of social life, and i spent half my youth with nannies without much of relation with my parents, and i often lived it rather badly to be alone to struggle with all the issue i had at school with absent parents and nannies who were also often rather cold and harsh, and i often had the feeling to be a bit abandonned, with parents busy and other kids at school being mean, which ended with me having a cranian traumatism in a fight at school, i started to fight rather often with people because of constant harrasement during that time i was already not good, i started to dig the past of my father, and found out that my gran father has been in jail under franco, and discovered the whole tragic history of the spainish civil war, and the harsh treatement that refugee had when they fleed to france, that my gran father had been locked up in french concentration camps during petain, and that my father lost his mother

at 16 and had hi gran father in jail as political prisoner, and that he had to leave his spanish familly to grow up alone in france with fake id, and no monney, the whole injustice of the whole thing totally finished to crush the little bit of optimism that could remain in my tortured mental of that time which finished to dive me deep down into a very dark state of mind of constant burning pain and constant terror but the idea that i could go to a psychiatrist, and being pescribed some drug treatement was really feeling scary too me, i already been a drug a user, did weed and psychedelics, but i totally stoped all this when kundalini started because i noticed how destabilising it was to my bio chemestry and mood, and i didn't even need that anymore as the kundalini was already acting as a very good warm relaxing force, giving me all stamina and focus power i ever needed, but the idea to have to put on some kind of psychiatric drug, with potentially side effect on my mood, withdrawal effects, all together that would be mostly likely a misdiagnosed disorder only partially linked to the core of my condition was really not looking like a good idea at all, and not sure how psy would react if i didn't want to take a drug treatement, i could have probably easily manipulated them as i already had experince of psycho therapy as a kid, and just saying the minimum to get some kind of anxiolotics or tranquilizer, but i was really not very fond of the idea, and still very struggling between seing my mental state degrading quickly, my global nervoussness and anxiety growing all day, depression growing up, basically feeling of total loss of control over my psyche that was completly decomposing more and more as the weeks passed by, i was still hoping for some kind of stabilisation, but unfortunatly it didn't really happen i also like to mention what gopi krishna say about diet, fortunatly while i was on those spiritual forums, i still got into diet habits, and knowing about minereal, detox, vegetarianism, and putting good importance on diet, but it's also very true i often felt that food could be very destabilising to me, giving me the feeling that eating was just like putting some more wood into the burning fire that was ravaging me physically, so often eating very few, and often irregulary, selecting carefully the right time to eat to avoid to be totally destabilised, even if it was looking obvious to me that my whole body and vital organ were restructuring rather intensly and probably needed some fair amount of food and protein, the very idea of eating was most of time revulsing me and eating was often making me even more unstable, like multiplying the whole intensity of the fire energy ravaging my whole body, and that food deprivation was still a good way to if not stop, at least slowing down and keeping the process under control, less food, less physical energy, slower global transformation, that still impact probably my physical constitution, but at that time it was the last of my concern, compared to the whole mental turmoil and intense physical sensation and emotional mess i was getting into, food deprivation was looking like the least of evil, specially that i was already used not to eat a lot, so not eating for 2 day was not really hard for me to do, and it felt like my body needed much less food than usual, and that it was helping big deal to keep thing under control it happen to me several time after a too rich meal to feel very intense vertigo, earth racing, and feeling of intense energy leeching the inside my intestines making even often weird diggestion noise, and increase global feeling of ungroundness and the sensation of fire, little food was ok, it was giving bit of energy to faciliate the physical transformation of my body that i was still thinking was salutory, and much needed step to accomplish if i was to get out of this mess, as physical transformation and having a body in rather bad shape was just adding to the confusion with constant pain, but the feeling that was accompagnating rich meal was so destabilising and awfull that i had to put good care about when and what to eat as well

now come the part that probably just saved my life tonight, i feel so dumb now because i have this book on my shelve for a while, that a friend gave to me, this person actually helped me so much in my whole path, i met him on some esoteric circle while things just started to degenerate, he is coincidentally hindu origin from his mother, he also had lot of trouble in his youth as he lost his mother at 3, and his father didn't really care for him, and he ended questionning about death, occult forces, and hanged into many esoteric circle, had a degree in philosophy, and a very wide experience of the occult, and he gave me ton of book to reads, solid stuff, like plato, crowley, leibniz, socrates, greek mythology, he was very knowledge and better able to help me to frame a bit everything that was going on in my brain because all the stuff on those spiritual forum started to look derisory, people on those forum were really far to be competent enought to help me reframe a bit what was going on, but thanks to him, i could a bit find some solid spiritual and philosophical base to help reframe my collapsing psyche, including this book of gopi krisnha hat was sitting on my shelve for all this time that i didn't read, anyway i was bit unable to read past years, my mind was too much of train wreck to be able to really concentrate which only started to get better past month were i started again to read and i decided to pick it up, he already gave me some part of the comment on psychology about the unconscious and jung who already helped me to clear things out, and he vaguely warned me about 'wrong channel', but as i didn't really know what to make of it, i didn't pay too much attention to it, until tonight when i have read this : My brother-in-law could not grasp the significance of what I related to him, but said that his guru had once remarked that if by mistake Kundalini were aroused through any other nadi (nerve) except Sushumna, there was every danger of serious psychic and physical disturbances, ending in permanent disability, insanity, or death. This was particularly the case, the teacher had said, if the awakening occurred through pingala on the right side of the spine when the unfortunate man is literally burned to death due to excessive internal heat, which cannot be controlled by any external means. I was horrified by this statement and in desperation went to consult a learned ascetic from Kashmir who had come to spend the winter at Jammu. He heard me with patience and said that the experience I had undergone could not at all be due to the awakening of the serpent power, as that was always blissful and could not be associated with any agency liable to cause disease or disturbance. He made another gruesome suggestion, heard from his teacher or picked up from some ancient work, to the effect that my malady was probably due to the venom of malignant spirits that beset the path of Yogis, and prescribed a decoction, which I never took. Pulling the cover over my face, I stretched myself to my full length on the bed, burning in every fibre, lashed as it were by a fiery rain of red-hot needles piercing my skin. At this moment a fearful idea struck me. Could it be that I had aroused Kundalini through pingala or the solar nerve which regulates the flow of heat in the body and is located on the right side of Sushumna'? If so, I was doomed, I thought desperately and as if by divine dispensation the idea flashed across my brain to make a last-minute attempt to rouse Ida, or the lunar nerve on the left side, to activity, thus neutralizing the dreadful burning effect of the devouring fire within. With my mind reeling and senses deadened with pain, but with all the will-power left at my command, I brought my attention to bear on the left side of the seat of Kundalini, and tried to force an imaginary cold current upward through the middle of the spinal cord. In that extraordinarily extended, agonized, and exhausted state of consciousness, I distinctly felt the location of the nerve and strained hard mentally to divert its flow into the central channel. Then, as if waiting for the destined moment, a miracle happened. It just appeared to me so clearly, that only my right side was functionning, as it was also my right side who was also more painfull and more injuried, i focused most of my attention to the right side in order for it heal as quick as possible, in a way the injuries probably prevented to fire to really get to this incredible proportion it took with gopi krishna because the flow was too cloggered up to

really make that kind of spectacular result, but i completly neglected my left side, and it make so much sense that all the issued started to appear when i felt my feminie side to be completly driven out, and feeling totally out of touch with my feminie side with all the issue that started to surface, and once i have read thee few paragraph, i realized that i was cruelly missing this part of feminie, about wisedom, calmness, dedicated attention, nurturing, who think always very carefully before to take attention , and the archetype of mother who always predict any outcome for the good of their children, that was totally missng in my whole psychological developpement, then i started to activate this left side of me, and i instantly felt much more calm, in an incredible way, now i feel much more at peace and balanced, almost like all the anxiety is gone and i'll be able to work again without fearing to have weird reaction to pressure, it all made sense all of a sudden that my left feminie side has been damaged, and i focused on my effort on healing my right side thinking it would free the flow of chi/kundalini through my injuries part of the body, and that left side was not hurting at all so it was ok, but i was completly neglecting it, now i feel totally calm and entierly at peace in a way that i didn't feel for years, anxiety is mostly gone, fire is getting much more under control, it's so great :D I see no reason why we cannot accept our author's own view of the heat episode. Can our psychology provide a better explanation of it? It can be compared with some of the wrong turns in alchemy in which there is too much sulphur and the work is burnt black; or where the fire itself (the inner heat, or tapas) is not kept at a low slow temperature but rages up too quickly; or in the language of Christian mysticism the fires of Hell, the scorched siccitas. In psychological practice, comparable experiences are sometimes referred to as unexplained psychosomatic fevers. An interpretation of the shift from the right-sided pingala to the left-sided ida can be made in this way: habitual consciousness attempts to integrate a new experience in its manner. Despite the shattering of the old vessels (mind, orientation, physical strength, feeling connections, body image), the emotional basis of his masculine consciousness remained intact. This habitual canalization of his energies we might call pingala. We may make a comparison to the sulphur in alchemy as the principle of masculine will which must be sublimated by connection to the unconscious (mercury) and joined with its opposite, the feminine principle of salt. The channel through which his will, his control, his ambition, the structure of his energy itself had to be altered. The new wine required a new bottle. The shift from the right to the left side meant an abandonment of his former personality and his identification with what had held him up for the first thirty-five years. No wonder he was laid low; no wonder it was a death experience! The left side of ida is appropriately feminine, just as it is in Western symbolism. It is the side of softness, where the heart is, and it belongs to the moon. We would call this redemptive cooling grace of ida the first appearance in our text of the archetypal effects of the anima. Now it's just all brand new, but i feel way more calm and in control of the whole thing, i hope it will stay that way, but feel much more balanced and at peace and much less anxiety and all great, very light, and i hope i'll be able to go back to the happier experience i had before it all started to become messed up :D thanks gopi krisnha, god bless you :D