Dog Food By Douglas Brodoff

©1992 by Douglas Brodoff contact: [email protected]

2 INSERT - The blade of a can opener pierces the top of a can. We hear a bark and the pitter-pat of paws come running… CREDITS over animated cans of Dog Food like Andy Warhol Tomato Soup cans, to the tune of Bob Dylan's "If Dogs Run Free". INT. NEW YORK CITY MULTI-PLEX THEATER LOBBY - DAY Drenched in colorful posters and flyers at the height of the Independent Film Festival. People hop from table to table in a hubbub of activity. TITLE - Chapter 1...........Mr. Pit Bull At one table sits DOUGLAS, an eager young man in his twenties who wears a black fedora hat and a brightly colored scarf. Next to him is HARRY, a gloomy unshaven writer with a bunch of scripts under his arm. DOUGLAS You’ve got to take advantage of it, Harry. You really shouldn’t be sitting here with me. HARRY You’re right. DOUGLAS It defeats the whole idea of coming to a festival. You should be networking. Look around you. Most of these people out in the real world, spend their lives behind closed doors. They are totally inaccessible, believe me. But here, they’ve got their guard down MANON and CHANTAL, two pretty and businesslike French girls interrupt. MANON Excuse me, please. Could you help? We have to get in. CHANTAL Me, I have no pass. DOUGLAS Hold my seat Harry? Douglas gets up and weaves through the crowd with the two French girls. CHANTAL Thank you so much. appreciate this.

We really

3 MANON I’m sorry. My name is Manon and this is Chantal. DOUGLAS Enchanté. Sorry. That’s the extent of my French. I’m Douglas. Dooglaas!

CHANTAL Hello, Dooglaas!

They approach the crowded entrance to the theater auditoriums, guarded by an usher frantically looking for badges as people pass through. DOUGLAS Now crowd right up to my back and keep talking casually. Douglas walks past the usher pointing to his I.D. badge and trying to divert the usher’s attention from the French girls who are hiding behind his back. They make it in and all break out laughing. DOUGLAS That was fun! MANON Well, we thank you very much, us. DOUGLAS Anytime, really. Come find me later. We’ll TAKE a coffee. CHANTAL Why don’t you join us? a very good film.

It should be

DOUGLAS No, thanks. You enjoy it. I'm not here to see movies. I'm here to make movies. As Douglas walks back through the crowd, he notices a man sitting at a table alone in the corner. This is JOHN MASTERS, a man in his midforties, with a look of fatigue or studied worldliness about him and a bit out of place in his fancy Italian suit. Douglas gets back to the table where Harry sits. DOUGLAS It’s the hat. Part of my new nonaggressive technique. I let them come to me now. Douglas motions toward the John Masters. HARRY What about him?

4 DOUGLAS Check out that suit. It smells like money. If he’s not a producer, he's probably in completion bonds or something. You've just got to follow the scent. HARRY Is that right. DOUGLAS Boy, when I first got here, It was like a feeding frenzy. I was more than aggressive, I was positively ferocious. I would grab onto someone like that and I wouldn’t let go. HARRY Did it work? DOUGLAS (shaking his head) I’ve heeled myself. No more cappuccino. Strictly decaf. Now I tend to kind of bounce back and forth from puppy to Pit Bull and back again. The “Pitbull Approach” does have its uses, though. Watch, I’ll demonstrate. Douglas gets up to approach the man in the suit but the man is gone. INT. CROWDED RESTAURANT - NIGHT Douglas squeezes through a wall of people. Waiters step into the fray with hors d’oeuvres the crowd ravenously grab and devour. A middleaged LADY, sitting with friends, leans over and grabs Doug’s arms. LADY Come join us for a drink. DOUGLAS Thank you. Douglas squeezes into the booth. LADY I couldn't help noticing your beautiful hat. DOUGLAS Thanks. I get a lot of compliments on it.

5 LADY Who are you? You must be someone. DOUGLAS I don't really like to talk about business here, you know. I'm just here to enjoy myself and see some movies. EXT. CROWDED RESTAURANT - NIGHT Douglas pushes his way through the overflowing doorway to the sidewalk, where people walk around with cocktails. An industrious corner market has set up a makeshift bar to take advantage of the situation. DRUNK MAN The party’s out here, man. DOUGLAS I can see that. Douglas sees John Masters talking to NATASHA, a striking Russian woman. DOUGLAS Pretty crowded in there. Hi, Natasha! How’s the festival treating you? NATASHA Fine. Douglas, isn’t it? friend John Masters.

This is my

DOUGLAS Glad to meet you, Mr. Masters. (pause of recognition) Hey, you directed “Girls Across the Lake”! JOHN Yes, that was my first film. DOUGLAS I really liked that. Oh yeah? Oh yeah! scene.

JOHN Really? DOUGLAS Especially the seduction

JOHN You remember that?

6 DOUGLAS It made a big impression on me. It could have come off so cheap, you know. But it was really restrained like an Eric Rohmer film. JOHN I like to inject some culture and subtlety into my films. I’ve lived in France. INT.

THEATER LOBBY - DAY

Douglas and John drink coffee.

John carries a brown manila envelope.

DOUGLAS You seem kind of blue today. JOHN It’s nothing. I’m just going through an ugly divorce and a custody battle. DOUGLAS I’m sorry to hear that. JOHN She left me a few weeks ago. DOUGLAS You seem to be taking it pretty well. JOHN What? Oh yeah. You have to excuse me. I've got a lot on my mind. DOUGLAS No problem. So, is that a script? JOHN This? "The Devils Of Mercy". Civil War drama. It's been my pet project for years. DOUGLAS Would you like to read my script some time? JOHN What? Oh, sure. Absolutely. I’m always looking for new material. What's it about?

7 DOUGLAS It's based on a true story about a guy who collects crystals and one day he hears a fairy's voice coming out of one of them only it turns out to be his lover from a past life. It's called "The Crystal Kissers". JOHN (disinterestedly) Interesting. It seems like you’ve got some good ideas. DOUGLAS Maybe you'll direct my script one day. You never know. JOHN You never know. But I do know I'm starved. So how about we grab some dinner? Douglas notices Manon and Chantal coming into the lobby. DOUGLAS Hey, there are the French girls I was telling you about! Listen, let’s ask them to go to dinner with us! JOHN I don’t know if I’m ready for that. DOUGLAS Come on. A little female company would do you good. JOHN It’s hard, you know, after fourteen years of waking up with the same woman… DOUGLAS C'mon, you've got to start somewhere. All right.

JOHN Go ask them.

DOUGLAS That’s the spirit! JOHN I know a great place uptown. DOUGLAS approaches the French girls on the other side of the lobby.

8 MANON Is that the director you told us about? DOUGLAS That’s him. We’re just about to head uptown for dinner. Care to join us? CHANTAL He INVITES us? STOCK SHOTS OF NEW YORK STREETS AT NIGHT EXT.

UPPER WEST SIDE STREET - NIGHT

John and company get out of a taxi as it pulls up to a brownstone. JOHN I’ll just be a second. from here.

We can walk

MANON C'est beau! A nice quartier! John opens the front door carefully. JOHN Careful now. Don’t let them out. INT. BROWNSTONE APARTMENT - NIGHT As they enter, two little white dogs, West Highland Terriers, begin barking and jumping around them. John leans over to pet them. JOHN Hi Pablo! Hi Picasso! I know, my hungry babies have been cooped up all day. PABLO and PICASSO go nuts running all over the living room, up and down the furniture, tearing through the newspaper that covers the floor. DOUGLAS Are they puppies? JOHN You mean the papers? They’re just slow learners. I’ll only be a minute. John has walked them out onto the back porch. He turns and disappears inside, the dogs at his heels. Douglas and the French girls feel a bit crowded by the little tree growing in the center of the tiny dark porch.

9 DOUGLAS I’ve never seen a tree behind someone’s house in Manhattan. Really?

MANON In Paris we have many trees.

The dogs have reappeared, standing in the doorway. move to go inside but the dogs GROWL. CHANTAL (nervously) Is this okay, Dooglaas? friend?

Douglas makes a

He is your

Suddenly there is the SOUND of someone opening the front door. and Picasso rush to the door, BARKING.

Pablo

VIOLET enters. Violet is a skinny Sixties-style waif who looks so scattered she may just blow away. Her boyfriend MARTY follows her like a lovesick puppy. She sees the shadowy figures on the back porch. VIOLET (screaming) What are you doing in my apartment? DOUGLAS This is your apartment? VIOLET Marty! Call the police! I’ve got mace! Pablo! Picasso! Attack! Pablo and Picasso instead run wildly around the room, knocking over a table. A lamp smashes to the floor. MANON Dooglaas! What is happening? this woman?

Who is

DOUGLAS Wait! Wait! There must be a mistake. We’re here with John Masters. Violet pauses for a minute, then screams. VIOLET (screaming) Daddy! He’s always doing this to me. This is MY apartment. Mine! His is on the third floor. DADDY!! John Master comes tromping down the stairs.

10 JOHN (casually) So you’ve all met? Violet?

How are you

VIOLET I hate when you do this shit. JOHN We have guests, honey. (to Douglas) Are we ready? VIOLET By the way Dad, when are you taking your dogs back to L.A.? They’re driving me fucking crazy! INT. MEXICAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT John, Douglas, Manon, and Chantal eat and laugh at a big round table. A young ACTRESS in a floppy flowered hat and an older BORING GUY in a satin “D.G.A.” jacket, have joined the party. Everyone seems to surround John. It’s his party. The actress hands her headshot to John. and hands her back his plate.

John motions to the waitress

JOHN I asked for mild please, honey. Not spicy. Oh, and no tomato. It really captures you. ACTRESS People always tell me it makes me look like Sally Field. What do you think? DOUGLAS People are always saying that my script has a European flavor. Maybe that means it has substance, that people talk about things. ACTRESS I know what you mean. MONTAGE of snatches of dinner conversation. Lots of posing. Manon and Chantal struggle to keep up with the language. John seems preoccupied.

11 BORING GUY So I’m walking past the set and there’s Brando, sitting by himself on a stoop. And I say, “Hey, Marlon! You remember me? We met at Cannes”… DOUGLAS My movies won’t have explosions every five minutes. No cars blowing up. I don’t even have guns in my script, not one, and I don’t ever intend to… John calls the waitress over and hands her his plate. JOHN Could you wrap this up for me?? DOUGLAS I don’t mind that kind of fast food movie now and then like anybody else. But I’ll leave them for somebody else to make. The waitress comes back with John’s doggie bag, hands it to him, and starts to clear the other plates. BORING GUY Can we get some coffees over here? DOUGLAS Yes, me too. Coffee ladies? JOHN Excuse me for a moment. right back. What?

No.

I’ll be

ACTRESS Decaf for me.

No one really hears John or really notices him leave. INSERT - The clock moves around the dial forty-five minutes. The table is now getting restless. The Boring Guy has run out of boring stories. The waitress is refilling the coffee cups. DOUGLAS I wonder what happened to John. ACTRESS He left with a doggie bag. I think he said he’d be right back. BORING MAN Did John leave?

12 DOUGLAS His house is just around the corner. What’s keeping him? MANON John, he left? CHANTAL Where did John go? BORING MAN He probably got caught up on the phone with Alex. Do you know his wife? DOUGLAS No, I’ve never met her. ACTRESS I thought they were divorced. BORING MAN I think they’re just separated. INSERT - The clock continues moving. LATER - John comes rushing up to the table, out of breath. Everyone around the table is subdued. This dinner has gone on too long. JOHN Sorry about that, folks. go?

Ready to

The waitress walks up. WAITRESS I’m sorry, it’s all on one check. There is a uncomfortable pause as everyone, for their own reasons, waits for John to pick up the check. He doesn’t. The French girls are clearly embarrassed. They whisper to Douglas. MANON Dooglaas, all we have is plastic. CHANTAL (taking charge) Here, give me all the cash. get it. ACTRESS We’ll figure it out.

We’ll

13 Chantal reluctantly gives the waitress her credit card. There is a commotion as everyone reaches for their money. A hubbub of voices talking numbers. JOHN Mine should be about nine. dollar for the tip.

Plus a

John throws down some cash on the pile, oblivious to all the discomfort around him. He throws his arms around Douglas and the French girls. JOHN So, let’s go. Just the four of us. To Columbus. We’ll get some espressos and dessert. You’ll love the place. EXT.

SIDEWALK - NIGHT

John, Douglas, Manon, and Chantal walk down the street. John is in a great mood and doesn’t notice that the French girls are steaming. He makes small talk to them in French. They answer in short curt phrases. JOHN Do you speak French, Douglas? DOUGLAS No. JOHN It’s a wonderful language. INT. COLUMBUS CAFE - NIGHT John sits with Manon, Douglas, and Chantal. The French girls roll their eyes at Douglas behind John’s back as he earnestly apologizes. JOHN (in French) Ecoutez, je vous paye le dessert. Prenez tout ce que vous voulez. Je ne sais pas qu'est-ce que j'ai pu penser. J'étais supposé payer pour ce repas, n'est-ce pas? Excusezmoi, s'il vous-pla”t. Laissez-moi me racheter un peu. Ils ont de fabuleux Tiramisu ici.

JOHN (subtitles) Listen, I’m paying for dessert. Order whatever you want. I don’t know what I was thinking of. I was supposed to pay for dinner, wasn’t I? Please accept my apologies. Let me make it up to you somehow. They have fabulous Tiramisu here.

CHANTAL (to Douglas) Everyone in my country speaks French.

14 John pushes his dessert plate away. JOHN Can’t touch the Tiramisu in L.A. DOUGLAS What’s that? Natasha enters the cafe and waves to them. JOHN Ah! Natasha and I have some things to discuss. I leave you in Douglas' capable hands. (to Douglas) Make sure they get back to their hotel all right. John runs over to Natasha and they leave the cafe. and Chantal sit at the table a little stunned. DOUGLAS I think he must have been embarrassed. That man.

MANON He has no class.

DOUGLAS Don’t you think you’re being a bit harsh? MANON Just because he’s been around the world doesn’t make him a man of the world. DOUGLAS Look, I don’t think he’d like me telling you, but his wife just left him two. He’s a little scattered under the circumstances. I’m sure he’s usually much different. CHANTAL One can only explain so much. MANON Why do you defend him, Dooouglas? DOUGLAS I don’t know. I like the guy. feel a little sorry for him. MANON Poor man!

And I

Douglas, Manon,

15 DOUGLAS I don’t understand why you’re still so angry. He apologized, didn’t he? For what?

CHANTAL For the bill?

MANON This is nothing. This is rude. But this cannot compare to his other crimes. DOUGLAS I don’t get it. His crimes? did he do?

What

MANON He took those leftovers to his dogs. So?

DOUGLAS I still don’t get it.

CHANTAL Dooglaas! He left us at the restaurant for an hour to go feed his dogs! DOUGLAS And? I still don’t understand. missing something?

Am I

CHANTAL Dooglas! ARE WE NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOGS?! MANON And anyway, it was not a steak he was bringing. It was a taco salad! DOUGLAS A taco salad? CHANTAL That what I am saying! INT. FESTIVAL THEATER LOBBY - DAY Douglas sits at a table.

the French girls approach through the crowd.

DOUGLAS (voiceover) Every time I saw the French girl after that, they would greet me and say:

16 MANON Doooglass! How are you? And how is your friend… (with utter contempt) MR.… DOG FEEDER? The epithet, "Mr. Dog Feeder", echoes, reverberates, and repeats in a quick succession of SHOTS of the French girls saying it in different places and with varying degrees of contempt. STOCK SHOTS OF L.A. AND HOLLYWOOD AT NIGHT TITLE - nine months later EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET Douglas is leaving a restaurant under a big neon sign that reads “TIRAMISU”. MONTAGE of Douglas going in and out of Italian restaurants, tracking down someone. He talks to hostesses, scopes out the places. INT.

BEVERLY HILLS ITALIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Douglas sits at the bar talking to a visibly bored WOMAN, a stranger. TITLE - Chapter 2...........Mr. Dog Feeder DOUGLAS The nice thing about Beverly Hills is that anyone can buy a beer, but no one can tell that one is all you can afford. Suddenly, to Doug's surprise, John Masters walks into the restaurant with a woman who is dressed in sleazy gown and a face covered with inch thick makeup, accented by bright red lipstick. This is ALEXANDRIA, a woman in her thirties who may have been prettier once but something more than age has twisted her face into a grimacing caricature of what she must think a star looks like. John and Alexandria are greeted affectionately by the hostess. Douglas jumps off his stool and walks over to them. DOUGLAS John Masters! Hey! see.

JOHN What do you know!

Long time no

DOUGLAS Yeah well, I’ve moved here now.

17 JOHN Me too! I finally got a green light on "Devils Of Mercy"! DOUGLAS Congratulations! JOHN This is the young man I told you I met at the N.Y. Film Market last year…Oh excuse me, this is my soon to be ex-wife, Alexandria. You remember me telling you about her? ALEXANDRIA That must have been wonderful. DOUGLAS Oh don’t worry. I listen but I don’t retain. JOHN We’re good friends now. It’s great! We just couldn’t be married. Anyway, that’s old news. So what are you up to? DOUGLAS Same old thing. Writing, jobhunting… JOHN Why don’t you call me next week. might have something for you. Really?

I

DOUGLAS That’s great!

INT. RECEPTION AT PRODUCTION COMPANY - DAY Douglas stands in front of the receptionist CORRIE’S desk. Her cubicle is like a shrine, covered with photos of a little boy in frames, on the locket around her neck, printed on her coffee cup and t-shirt. DOUGLAS Doug Ford for John Masters. Oh, Hi!

CORRIE John is expecting you.

INT. JOHN MASTER’S OFFICE - DAY Douglas enters tentatively as he hears John talking on the phone. John motions to him to come in and sit down.

18 Douglas sits facing John, who sits at his desk behind a family photo portrait of he and Alexandria with their two dogs. As John talks on the phone, Douglas looks at the posters for John’s movies on the walls of the office; which include “Girls Across the Lake”, “Cowpies”, “The Village Dope”, and “Land Mines”. JOHN (on phone) Hey Joe. I can’t get back there until late. Could you do me a favor and go over and feed Pablo and Picasso? Thanks. Just make sure the back door is closed when you leave. Ha, ha. Wouldn’t want the coyotes to get them. Tommy Turner? There are a few small bits. Sure, if he's a friend of yours… By the way, I need you to come down to read. No, don’t worry. It’s just a technicality. John hangs up the phone and turns to Douglas. JOHN Joe lives down the road from me with his wife, Natalie Brooks. We’ve been friends for years. Douglas is impressed. DOUGLAS Natalie Brooks!? I loved her when I was a kid. She was in that TV show, what was it? “Frontier Dog”! JOHN Okay, what I’m offering is a temporary position. I’m expecting Jamison but he can’t get out here until just before production. CORRIE (on intercom) Excuse me, John. Alexandria’s on line one. JOHN Tell her I’m in a meeting. And hold all calls please, Corrie. Where was I? So I thought we could help each other out here. And if things work out, I’m sure we can find you another position after Jamison arrives. John slides a little black beeper across the desk to Douglas. There is a knock on the door and Corrie peeks in.

John scowls.

19 CORRIE Sorry to disturb you John, but I’ve got Steven Seagal on line two. Douglas is impressed again. John’s scowl breaks into a grin. lingers in the doorway with a goofy smile, watching John.

Giorgia

JOHN Thanks Corrie. I’ll take that one! Hey Stevie! Yeah, thanks. It’s good to be back in the saddle. You ought to come up for a weekend and rough it with us on the battlefield. Sure, whichever side you want. MONTAGE of the busy life of a Director's Assistant. Phone calls, meetings, filing, putting together production schedule boards. We can see an friendly rhythm developing between John and Douglas. Douglas is fetching giant film cans from a studio library. DOUGLAS (voiceover) From the director of “Girls Across The Lake”, “The Village Dope”, “Land Mines’, and “Cowpies”; comes an epic drama of the War between the States, “The Devils Of Mercy.”!… INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAY MONTAGE of flashes of different movies John is screening: Lassie, Benji, Rin Tin Tin, and the TV show "Frontier Dog" starring Natalie Brooks as a cute kid in her trademark pigtails. DOUGLAS I thought this was going to be a war movie. JOHN It is but I’m planning to do a dog movie next. With Natalie Brooks. DOUGLAS ”Frontier Dog, the Movie”? John only smiles mysteriously. INT.

JOHN'S OFFICE - DAY

John, Douglas, FRED THE PRODUCER, and Joe's friend, TOMMY; sit watching as JOE, an actor in his thirties with rugged cowboy movie star good looks, straddles a chair like a horse and reads from his sides. Fred the Producer is a big steamrollering bear of a guy with a big beard and always wearing what could be, and may actually be, pajamas.

20 JOE (reading) "We cannot allow the honor of our women to be besmirched by the mere presence of these Yankee cur on our mother's soil! Their foul deeds shall stink above the earth!" This is great shit! JOHN Try it one more time Joe. You've got it nailed but let me see it with a little more passion. JOE (reading) "Follow me, men! Today is our day of destiny! Darkness and death, no doubt await some but how much crueler a life under the Yankee's thumb. We cannot allow…" INT.

JOHN MASTERS’ OFFICE - DAY

John sifts through a messy pile of male actor’s headshots on his desk. JOHN My first movie after my divorce and it’s an all male cast! I’m going to be alone up there with hundreds of men. Am I a masochist? DOUGLAS You can always hire an all woman crew. JOHN Very funny. Douglas, would you go down the hall to that pretty girl’s desk and find out her extension. If she’s there, ask her if she’d have dinner with me tonight. DOUGLAS The blond who works down the hall? Ask her out for you? JOHN Hey, Personal Assistant is just what it says it is. Personal. DOUGLAS I don’t know about this, though. Isn't this kind of stretching it?

21 JOHN Please do this for me. I’m way too nervous. I just can’t face a possible rejection right now. And anyway, someone in my position, and all that… INT.

PRODUCTION CO. HALLWAY - DAY

GIORGIA looks up as Douglas walks down the long hall to her desk. is very pretty and Douglas gets even more nervous when he speaks. DOUGLAS Hi, I’m Douglas. John Masters' assistant. GIORGIA Yes, and what can I do for you? DOUGLAS Well you know my name.

What's yours?

GIORGIA Giorgia. DOUGLAS Like the song! I love Ray Charles. But I guess you could be Russian. GIORGIA Actually, I’m from Oregon. And my name is Italian. After my Grandpa Giorgio. And what can I do for you? DOUGLAS Mr. Masters sent me over to ask you if you would have dinner with him tonight. Giorgia is a little confused by all this. GIORGIA He sent you? DOUGLAS Yes, and if you’re interested, you can call him at his extension. Douglas turns and walks quickly away. INT. JOHN MASTER’S OFFICE - DAY As Douglas enters. Well?

JOHN What did she say?

She

22 DOUGLAS I don’t know. The phone rings.

John is excited.

JOHN I’ll get it. Yes? There is a pause as John listens.

He gives Douglas a thumbs up sign.

JOHN (cont’d) Yeah. Business? Sure, strictly business. Well, how about Saturday? You could come up for a swim, I’ve got a great pool. And we could throw a couple of steaks on the grill. Great! (to Douglas) Call Violet. Tell her I’m sorry but I can’t make it back to New York for her school play this weekend. DOUGLAS She’s going to be very disappointed. JOHN It can’t be helped. playing Ariel, too.

Damn!

She's

DOUGLAS Why don’t you wire her some flowers? JOHN That’s a good idea. Find out what that would cost, would you? DOUGLAS How about violets? JOHN What? No, too corny. Roses are fine. And see if you can find someone inexpensive to videotape it. By the way, we’re going to be here late tonight and I need some company to keep me awake. Why don’t you run out and pick up a couple of chicken sandwiches. Here’s some cash. INT.

JOHN MASTERS’ OFFICE - NIGHT

John is busy reading as he finishes his sandwich. Douglas sits bored, doodling the title "The Crystal Killers" in fancy letters on his blotter. There is a silence.

23 JOHN Where’s my other sandwich? I ate it.

DOUGLAS I thought it was for me.

JOHN No. A couple of sandwiches for ME! That’s what I asked for. Go get me another sandwich, please. EXT.

HOLLYWOOD STREET - DAY

Douglas is driving a rental van down a Hollywood street. the passenger seat.

John sits in

DOUGLAS It just that it is Sunday, John. JOHN I can’t lift anything with my bad back. And a Personal Assistant is just what it says it is, Doug. Personal. Personal.

DOUGLAS Right.

INT. ALEXANDRIA’S APARTMENT - DAY Sunny but bleak in a Hollywood way. There are already some stacks of beat up unfinished furniture covered with rock and roll stickers. QUICK CUTS as Douglas brings in each piece of furniture. John and Alexandria ignore him and continue screaming at each other. DOUGLAS Where do I put this? ALEXANDRIA What is this crap? How come you get all the nice furniture? And you give me all of Violet’s old beat up stuff!? JOHN Look, I don’t want to argue. You can come up to the house and take whatever you want. We’ll go right now, if you want. Douglas, sweating and grunting, struggles in with a tiny cube fridge. ALEX I don’t even have a refrigerator.

24 JOHN I brought you a refrigerator. it is. Your refrigerator!

Here

ALEXANDRIA That dinky little thing? Douglas, drenched in sweat, struggles in with a little ornate alter. DOUGLAS Where do I put this? ALEXANDRIA Your mother hates me. JOHN She doesn’t hate you. She’s never said an unkind thing about you. You’re imagining things. INT.

THE MOVING VAN CAB - DAY

Douglas drives as John sits sadly. JOHN The trouble is, I still love her. DOUGLAS I know you do, John.

I know you do.

INT. RECEPTION AT PRODUCTION COMPANY - DAY Douglas arrives. sits.

A new desk is next to Corrie’s where Giorgia now

CORRIE Giorgia, you know Douglas. The Sandwich Eater? Douglas, you’re funny. DOUGLAS It wasn’t that funny. working with us now?

So you’re

CORRIE And Jamison’s here! GIORGIA He’s so nice, too! DOUGLAS Hell, I didn’t want him to be nice. I was hoping I could lose my job to somebody I wouldn’t like.

25 INT. JOHN’S OFFICE - DAY JAMISON has already taken over his desk. Jamison is a tall, relaxed gay guy in his twenties whose deep voice and dry New England delivery give him an air of authority even in this menial job. He is not as excitable as Douglas. Douglas enters. JAMISON Oh, hi! You must be Douglas. just getting situated.

I was

DOUGLAS They’re keeping me on for a few days to help you get up to speed. JAMISON Then what’ll you do? DOUGLAS They say they’ll find me a P.A. job. JAMISON They will. Everyone tells me you did a great job. And Mr. Masters, like most geniuses, isn't the easiest guy to work for. DOUGLAS He wouldn’t let me file without his supervision and I never could pin him down. JAMISON Don’t worry about it. Mr. Masters can’t stand organization. There are years and years of boxes. INT. JOHN’S OFFICE - DAY Douglas, Jamison, and Fred the Producer watch as two grizzly GUYS in Civil War uniforms; one in GRAY, one in BLUE; are escorted out by John. JOHN Thank you both for coming. We’ll see you on the battlefield. And once again, you look great. GUY IN GRAY We just want to see it’s done right. GUY IN BLUE You're always saying that. Jamison shuts the door behind them and everyone bursts out laughing.

26 Quiet!

JOHN They might hear you.

DOUGLAS Are those guys for real? JAMISON They're not actors, they're Reenactors! JOHN Every year they re-enact the same battles. DOUGLAS Must be some kind of past-life karmic thing. FRED THE PRODUCER They’re fanatics. But who cares! This is fantastic! Hundreds of Extras with their own uniforms and props. Some even have their own horses! We’re going to save a bundle! JOHN By the way Fred, Douglas here has been a great help to me here. This is supposed to be his last day but I’d like to find him a place on the show. FRED THE PRODUCER Absolutely. INT. RECEPTION AT PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY DOUGLAS All the P.A. jobs are filled? CORRIE Everyone just happens to have college age kids who need summer jobs. I see.

DOUGLAS Blood is thicker than water.

CORRIE I’m sorry, Douglas. INT. JOHN'S OFFICE - DAY

27 DOUGLAS Boy, I wasn’t expecting this. Now I’m broke, I have no place, and no job. JAMISON Listen, I’ve got an idea. Come by tomorrow. Let me see what I can do. INT. JOHN'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY Douglas stands in front of John's desk like a soldier getting his new orders. Jamison sits at his desk, pleased at his part in this. JOHN It looks like I’m going to need a house sitter while I’m on location. All you have to do is feed the dogs. DOUGLAS I like dogs. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Douglas sits in his Yugo in front of a closed gate. A SIGN reads, “Welcome to Wooden Hills”. NED THE GUARD looks through a clipboard. NED THE GUARD Doug Ford… Doug Ford… DOUGLAS He told me he put me on the permanent list. Oh.

NED THE GUARD Then you’d be on the computer.

DOUGLAS I’ll be here for the summer taking care of the place. NED THE GUARD Geez, I could have done that for him. DOUGLAS (joking) Hey, you trying to blow my gig? NED THE GUARD No, no, no. There you are. nice day, Mr. Ford.

Have a

The gate opens and Douglas passes through. A SIGN reads “Speed Limit 10 mph”. He drives slowly down the serene lifeless street past big beautiful perfect houses and Mexican workers eating lunch under trees.

28 He looks back and forth for the number of John Master’s house and spying the right mailbox, turns into a driveway that winds up a little hill. The lawns are brown, overgrown with brush, or just plain dirt. The small ranch house he pulls up to definitely needs work. DOUGLAS (to himself) Peace and quiet and privacy! If I can’t get some writing done here, I can’t work anywhere. Douglas walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell. JOHN It’s open! Come on in. the dogs don’t get out!

Watch out

Doug squeezes by luggage blocking the door.

The dogs yap at his feet.

Douglas notices an oil portrait of John and his dogs on the wall. Corny prints of “dogs playing poker” hang beside Picasso’s “Romeo and Juliet” and “Guernica”, Picasso’s famous B & W anti-war painting. John talks over the open kitchen counter, like a TV show cook. Douglas tries to find a seat among the moving boxes that fill the place. JOHN Make yourself at home. I always like to keep some breasts in the freezer. Usually I just wash them and cut off any fat or gristle. Then I sauté them in the pan with a little olive oil. Some spinach on the side or another dark vegetable and some potatoes or pasta. Then you have to chop the chicken up into little pieces. See? It really takes no time at all. As John scoops the food into two dog bowls, Doug realizes who it’s for. DOUGLAS Cook every meal for them? JOHN You can go with ground beef for dinner. Or hot dogs, but only kosher. John is now scooping vitamin powders into the dog bowls. DOUGLAS You feed them wheat germ and protein?

29 JOHN And Amino Acids. Just empty a few capsules into their lunch. None for dinner. And don’t put the capsules in whole. They could choke on them. DOUGLAS You’re sure about that? JOHN Whatever I eat, they eat. protein shake?

Want some

DOUGLAS No thanks. John busies himself with the last minute double-checking preparations of someone about to leave on a trip. He hands Douglas a plastic card. DOUGLAS Doggie Discount? JOHN It’s a price club for dogs. DOUGLAS John, I really appreciate this. JOHN We’ll can get you on the show yet. Doug sees the sunlit pool and adjoining Jacuzzi in the back yard. DOUGLAS What a beautiful place! JOHN This will eventually be the guest house. I’ll buy the lot on the hill next door, and build the main house. DOUGLAS There are some general things I’d like to go over with you about the house. JOHN Talk to Jamison. He'll be wrapping things up here while we’re in rehearsal. By the way, you need to get your own phone installed. I don’t want you on my line. DOUGLAS I’ll arrange for it tomorrow.

30 JOHN And please take the small bedroom. The maid comes in once a week if you want to pay for it. DOUGLAS Not necessary. I’ll keep it clean. A car horn beeps. JOHN Oh. There’s my limo. Can you carry these out for me? I've left some boxes I want you to forward. They’re marked. Work it out with Jamison. And make sure you always keep the toilet seats down so the dogs don’t drown. Bye Pablo. Bye Picasso. Daddy’s leaving. John holds the dogs as Douglas struggles out the door with the luggage. EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

John and Douglas stand by the limo. DOUGLAS Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of the house. JOHN Just remember. Those dogs mean more to me than anything. DOUGLAS I’ll take good care of them. John gets in and slams the door.

The window rolls down.

JOHN Oh, and do me a favor, Douglas. DOUGLAS What's that, John. JOHN Don't sleep with my ex-wife. The window rolls up again before Douglas can react. But his reflection in the black tinted window shows he's a bit stunned by the warning. INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

31 As the limo drives off, Douglas stands at the stove and eats some chicken out of the frying pan. DOUGLAS Not bad. INT.

DOUG’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Douglas is awakened by SOUNDS of someone in the house. He tiptoes out of his room and down the hall. He hears the DING of a toaster popping. TITLE - Chapter 3...........The Two Mrs. Dog Feeders He turns the corner and sees Alexandria in the kitchen wearing tiny hot pants and a loose tank top. Eggs are sizzling in the pan on the stove. ALEXANDRIA Good morning. I didn’t want to wake you so I just let myself in. I brought some bagels. You need to chop them up into pieces so they don’t choke. And they like their eggs scrambled, but well done. DOUGLAS You don’t have to worry, Alexandria. I’ll take good care of them. ALEXANDRIA Well, if you can’t get back here to feed them for any reason, don’t hesitate to call me. DOUGLAS Thanks, I’m sure I can handle it. ALEXANDRIA Well I guess I’ll be going then. I’ve got an audition. Enjoy the house. EXT.

BACKYARD OF HOUSE - DAY

Douglas sits in the Jacuzzi on the phone.

The dogs lick his arms.

DOUGLAS Yeah, oh it’s beautiful, Giorgia . You should come out for a swim one of these days. Douglas climbs out and walks around the backyard, naked. Suddenly the POOL MAN walks into the yard. Douglas SHRIEKS and jumps into the pool.

32 INT.

JOHN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Douglas cooks as a "Frontier Dog” rerun blares on the TV. He scoops the chicken into the dogs' bowls and makes up a plate for himself. INT.

DOUG'S ROOM - NIGHT

Douglas wakes up and groggily answers the RINGING phone. DOUGLAS Hullo? ALEXANDRIA (on phone) Hello, Douglas? How are you? I was just calling to check up on the dogs. DOUGLAS What time?...Alexandria, it's 3:30 in the morning! INTERCUT INT.

ALEXANDRIA'S APT. - NIGHT

Alexandria sits cross-legged in bed smoking and balancing an overflowing ashtray. It's unclear if she is really distraught, or whether her behavior is calculated or if she is simply wired. ALEXANDRIA Is it that late? I guess I couldn't sleep. I was so worried. How are Pablo and Picasso? Are they there? BACK TO DOUGLAS DOUGLAS No, they're not here. Goddammit Alexandria. I'm going back to sleep. He hangs up the phone and collapses, dead asleep. LATER - Again, Douglas wakes and fumbles for the RINGING phone, the CLOCK reads 4:30. DOUGLAS Shit. Shit. Hello? JOHN (on phone) Hello Douglas? Were you asleep? John?

DOUGLAS Is this John?

33 JOHN (on phone) Douglas, I just got a hysterical call from Alexandria. She says you swore at her. What?

DOUGLAS John I never…

JOHN (on phone) I know that. But look. Do me a favor. She's crazy about those dogs. Be nice to her. Humor her. Tell her about the dogs. Tell her stories. DOUGLAS Tell her stories? O.K., stories. O.K. John. Anything you say. He hangs up, collapses into bed, the phone RINGS again, he picks it up. ALEXANDRIA (on phone) Douglas? I'm sorry we had a misunderstanding. Yeah, O.K.

DOUGLAS I'm sorry too.

ALEXANDRIA (on phone) So how are they? What did they do today? Douglas talks into the phone with his eyes closed. DOUGLAS Pablo went up into the woods today. He had a lot of fun. Picasso was very happy. Let's see. They slept in my lap while I watched TV. tonight. ALEXANDRIA (on phone) What did they watch? INT.

JOHN’S OFFICE - DAY

Douglas carries in boxes while Jamison and Giorgia prepare them for shipping. DOUGLAS That’s the last load. GIORGIA You look tired.

34 DOUGLAS I had three calls in the middle of the night from Mr. and Mrs. Dog Feeder. JAMISON You're kidding me! DOUGLAS You'd think John would have better things to do. GIORGIA You would, wouldn't you. DOUGLAS That reminds me, Pablo and Picasso must be really upset that John left because they’re pooping and pissing everywhere. JAMISON Well they’ve never been house trained. DOUGLAS They’ve never been toilet-trained? JAMISON No. He hired a famous old dog trainer dogs but never got trained… For reasons best left unsaid. DOUGLAS You’re kidding me. get house-trained?

Why wouldn't they

Jamison is silent. EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE - DAY As Douglas pull up the driveway of the house, he sees Alexandria’s car. DOUGLAS Oh shit. INT.

JOHN’S KITCHEN - DAY DOUGLAS Hey guys.

As Douglas walks in, the dogs run up to greet him. Pots bubble on every burner. Alexandria holds out the dirty dog dishes caked with peas.

35 ALEXANDRIA What’s this? Peas! No! They hate peas! I’m sorry.

No peas!

DOUGLAS I didn’t know.

ALEXANDRIA I can’t believe John didn’t tell you. DOUGLAS I’m doing the best I can, Alexandria. ALEXANDRIA Baby carrots are okay. DOUGLAS Raw or cooked? INT. DOUG'S ROOM - DAY Douglas is at his desk, on his phone as John's phone rings and John’s ANSWERING MACHINE is triggered. Pablo and Picasso bark as they hear their master's voice. They run to the answering machine and sniff it. NOTE: John’s phone rings often throughout the movie. outgoing recording plays but no message follows. ANSWERING MACHINE (John’s voice on recording) Please do not leave a message as I won’t be picking them up. You can reach me at 555-3436 for business or 555-3663 for personal calls. DOUGLAS That’s John’s phone. I can't turn it down. I’m not allowed to touch it. So how about coming up this weekend? We could have a swim, maybe a little cookout. Wait, hold on a second. There is a loud beep.

Douglas listens.

ANSWERING MACHINE (John’s voice leaving message) Douglas, My parents are coming to California for a few weeks. They’ll be staying at a hotel but they’ll be coming over to swim during the days. Douglas sighs and curses under his breath. EXT.

BACKYARD OF JOHN’S HOUSE - DAY

Usually the

36 Douglas carries a tray out to JOHN'S MOM, DAD, AUNT, and UNCLE, who are lounging around the pool. Pablo and Picasso sleep in the sun, nearby. DOUGLAS Anyone for coffee? JOHN’S MOM Oh! That’s so nice of you, Douglas. Don’t let us bother you. You go do what you do. INT.

JOHN'S KITCHEN -LATER

Douglas is cooking.

John's Mom comes in with the dirty coffee cups.

DOUGLAS Oh, you don't have to do that. Just put them in the sink. I'll get them. JOHN'S MOM Don't be silly. Smells good. make your lunch?

You

DOUGLAS It's for the dogs. JOHN'S MOM Oy! I forgot! Maureen and her little babies! They're spoiled, those dogs. It's terrible she has you doing this. John's Mom has started to do the dishes. DOUGLAS Oh, I don't mind. Anyway, it's for John. I wouldn't do it for her. JOHN’S MOM You’re a good boy. Johnnie, he’s lucky to have a friend like you. DOUGLAS That's very nice of you to say, Mrs. Masters. JOHN’S MOM You know, she’s no actress. She’s never been an actress. She’s horrible. Why does he stay with her? She’s not even good-looking. She’s old. Tell me, do you find her attractive?

37 DOUGLAS Not really. JOHN’S MOM She’s ugly. You know, he’s too good to her. He’s taken her all over the world, you know that? And now what? Are they divorced? Is it final? DOUGLAS I don't know. JOHN'S MOM I think it isn’t done yet. I think that Maureen, she still holds the papers. DOUGLAS I really wouldn't know. But I’m confused. Who is Maureen? John's Mom does a little dance. JOHN’S MOM Her! Oh, I forgot. She calls herself now, Alexandria! Alexandria! The big actress! The big star! She’s no actress. DOUGLAS I'd agree with you there. Pablo and Picasso come to get their lunch. JOHN’S MOM (getting really worked up) You know, she never loved him. She never was interested in my Johnnie until he told her he was a Hollywood director! Oh! She's always been terrible, but this, the worst! You know, it all started with these dogs… DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PET STORE - DAY - FLASHBACK A romantic John and Alexandria Masters stand in front of a Pet Store pointing at the puppies that frolic in the window. JOHN One for you and one for me. MONTAGE of John and Alexandria playing with their new puppies, cuddling them, feeding them with bottles.

38 JOHN Pablo and Picasso… ALEXANDRIA Well, it’s artistic. JOHN Because this is our Rose period. ALEXANDRIA How sweet. INT.

DOG TRAINER’S OFFICE - DAY

ZIGGY looks like shabby old professor as he lectures John and Alexandria and points to a chart, a giant family tree of dog lineage. ZIGGY The West Highland White Terrier is a very energetic and friendly breed. Westies were bred for centuries to chase down and root out smaller animals, like squirrels. That’s in his blood. John and Alexandria exchange glances, pleased at their good taste. MONTAGE of the training regime. Runs in the park, trying to get the dogs to sit, poop on newspaper, etc. But Ziggy appears more interested in Alexandria than in the dogs. ZIGGY (voiceover) Obedience must be earned, that's my motto. So we'll have no pampering. I live, breath, and eat with your dogs. First off, we get them off processed food. Dogs are family and you cook for your family… INT.

JOHN’S NEW YORK APARTMENT - NIGHT

The same brownstone we saw earlier, only two stories higher. Alexandria, and Ziggy sit around drinking. ALEXANDRIA You know, we could make a wonderful movie out of Pablo and Picasso’s adventures. Their owner could be a little girl named Alexandria… JOHN Of course.

John,

39 ALEXANDRIA One day, Alexandria is walking them in Central Park and they run away… ZIGGY Why would they ever run away? ALEXANDRIA Good point. Well, they’re chasing squirrels of course. They get lost…let’s see. Help me here, John. You’re the director. John shrugs and laughs. JOHN You’re doing fine, honey. ALEXANDRIA I know what we need. More wine! JOHN I’ll get it. John gets up and exits to get wine. ZIGGY So, I’m waiting to hear the rest of it. ALEXANDRIA There’s nothing more. ZIGGY walks seductively toward Alexandria. ZIGGY Let me try. Well, Pablo and Picasso have many adventures. They face danger, hunger, and death itself trying to get back to the lovely Alexandria… Ziggy’s face is now inches from Alexandria. They kiss and they part, and ZIGGY rises, just as John comes in with a bottle of wine. JOHN I hope you like it dry… INT. JOHN’S NEW YORK APARTMENT - DAY Alexandria walks in happily with Pablo and Picasso. John sits brooding over a Bloody Mary. The room is covered with soiled newspaper.

40 JOHN Where have you been? ALEXANDRIA At the park, with Ziggy and the dogs. They had a nice class, didn’t you babies? JOHN Don’t give me that. I’m not stupid. I know what’s been going on. ALEXANDRIA I don’t know what you’re talking about. JOHN How could you bring the dogs with you when you go to see him!? ALEXANDRIA He’s their trainer, John. JOHN Well all this training doesn’t seem to have done much good. ALEXANDRIA We can’t force them, John. be traumatized.

They’ll

JOHN Tell me, do you two do it in front of the dogs? ALEXANDRIA You’re crazy! JOHN (blind with rage) It’s a simple question. in front of the dogs?

Do you do it

Alexandria turns and leaves, without the dogs. INT.

LAW OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

A cold and bright room in a skyscraper. LAWYER #1 My client is about to relocate to property which is equipped with substantial space for the parties to habitate in.

41 LAWYER #2 My client objects to the parties in question being separated from the standard of living and quality of training to which they have become accustomed. JOHN That bitch… Lawyer #1 touches John’s arm to calm him. LAWYER #1 Jim, it seems to me that she relinquished all such claims when she left my client to carry on an illicit affair with said dog trainer. LAWYER #2 She had just cause. Mental cruelty. LAWYER #1 There is no evidence to support a claim of mental cruelty, ALEXANDRIA What do you mean? He yells at the dogs! INT.

JOHN’S HOUSE - DAY - THE PRESENT DOUGLAS The custody battle was over the dogs? JOHN’S MOM Of course, the dogs. DOUGLAS I thought Violet… JOHN’S MOM Violet’s from his first wife. another one!

She’s

DOUGLAS Last year. That must have been just before I met John. INT.

PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY

Douglas, Jamison, and Giorgia are talking. JAMISON It is quite a trek from John’s place to town.

42

The gas is find work, still cook Piss? And

DOUGLAS killing me. And even if I how could I do it and three squares for Poop and when would I sleep?

GIORGIA I’m sure you could figure it out. JAMISON At least you’ve got a place to sleep. DOUGLAS I’m not complaining. John can stay away as long as he likes. But I bet you'll be happy when John gets back. GIORGIA What's that supposed to mean? DOUGLAS Well, seeing as you and him were… weren't you?… GIORGIA What? In his dreams! I never went out with John. With your Mr. Dog Feeder? You must think pretty highly of me. I'm sorry. it.

DOUGLAS I didn't mean anything by

JAMISON Smooth, Doug. EXT.

JOHN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

As Douglas drives up to the house, he notices all the lights are on and Alexandria’s car is in the driveway. Damn. INT.

DOUGLAS Not again.

JOHN'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Alexandria has been rummaging through the cabinets.

43 ALEXANDRIA Where the hell were you? I called at five and you still weren’t here. I was worried sick. I had to drop everything and drive up here. The dogs were starving. What were you thinking? They could have been eaten by coyotes! DOUGLAS I'm job-hunting Alexandria. traffic was terrible.

And the

Alexandria holds up a dog food can. ALEXANDRIA What are these cans doing here? DOUGLAS I didn’t buy them ALEXANDRIA (hysterical) Who’s been feeding them this? DOUGLAS John probably, when he'd get in late? ALEXANDRIA Look what they put in this. Meat byproducts What’s a by-product? Probably horsemeat or seal carcasses. DOUGLAS There are better brands. Alexandria gets her things together to leave. ALEXANDRIA That’s a racket. Who are those people? Dog scientists? What do they know. It’s all junk. And by the way Douglas, that food in the freezer is for Pablo and Picasso, not for you. Alexandria exits, slamming the front door. John's phone RINGS The dogs bark at John's pre-recorded message. There is a loud beep. ANSWERING MACHINE (John’s voice leaving a message) Hello, Douglas. Pick up. Are you there? I’ve given Alexandria weekend privileges. Oh, and please don’t mention this to my mother.

44 Douglas sighs and curses under his breath. INT.

JOHN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

TITLE - Chapter 4...........Meat By-Products Alexandria and friends are having a drunken dinner party. There is LIONEL, a red-faced English "actor"; his equally ruddy hen-pecking wife LAURA; MURRAY, an huge 350 pound N.Y. "acting coach"; his bitter man-hating wife MARGE; and their son, MAX, an undisciplined four year old. INT.

THE KITCHEN - NIGHT

Alexandria waves her arms at Max as he marches in. Shoo!

ALEXANDRIA Shoo!

She goes grabs Max by the scruff of his shirt at arm's length like a bag of disgusting garbage and guides him out the door. INT.

DOUG’S ROOM - NIGHT

Douglas is trying to write despite the loud party noise. BACK TO LIVING ROOM - NIGHT ALEXANDRIA Watch this. Picasso will eat everything except for a little bit and then Pablo will try to eat it and Picasso will guard the dish. Pablo cries and howls as Picasso guards the little morsels in his bowl. MURRAY That’s awful. She’s teasing him. ALEXANDRIA One leaves a little and barks if the other tries to take it. Everyone watches this little game, drinking their cocktails. Picasso lies down on a bone. Pablo whines and howls. ALEXANDRIA That's Pablo's bone. Picasso doesn't even like bones. LIONEL Picasso, you are a mean bitch.

Now

45 ALEXANDRIA Lionel! LIONEL Sorry, your Highness. MARGE Men! EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Douglas and Lionel stand out on the lawn smoking cigarettes. LIONEL You know, if you get this lawn going, John would just love it. DOUGLAS You really think so? LIONEL Absolutely. And it would get rid of all the gophers. DOUGLAS The ground is pretty soft. My leg sank up to my knee the other day. LIONEL That's the gophers. Some good thick grass would put that right. DOUGLAS Yeah? LIONEL Absolutely. And the stereo system. We really ought to unpack it and set it up for him. There's a giant screen TV, too. What do you say? DOUGLAS Well, I guess that would be all right. LIONEL Brilliant! Yes, he's a strange fish, our Johnnie. Alex is the best thing that ever happened to him. There's no friend more loyal than her, remember that! Poor girl got the short end of the stick. I mean I love the guy but John is cheap.

46 INT. JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Alexandria feebly plays the piano. The others sing an Irish ballad very badly. All are dead tired but Alexandria is still going strong. LIONEL Bravo, your Highness!

That’s it!

ALEXANDRIA Oh, I know! Let’s make crépes! MONTAGE as the kitchen becomes a flurry of cooking.

Loud jazz plays.

Douglas is in his room tossing and turning, trying to sleep. Pablo and Picasso eat their own crepes out of their dog bowls. LATER Alexandria’s friends are camped out on foam pads, cushions and couches. The silent night is broken by a whiney humming. Douglas lies in his bed, sleepless and puzzled. He gets up to investigate the NOISE. He follows the SOUND, tiptoeing down the hall. Through the half-open master bedroom door, he sees Alexandria sitting in front of a little ornate Buddhist alter and CHANTING. Candles are lit and the dogs sit at either side of her as she drones on and on. ALEXANDRIA Nom bahoho yoho boho yaba daba… EXT.

BACKYARD OF JOHN’S HOUSE - DAY

Murray belly flops into the swimming pool with a huge SPLASH! Alexandria and friends are having a pool party. Feet track mud and water all over the house. Bottle after bottle of wine and beer pop open. The unattended barbecue grill billows smoke. Pablo and Picasso run around like synchronized swimmers. They stand for a moment on the pool deck, like statues at each side of the stairs. Lionel walks around the yard watering the lawn with the hose. He holds the hose between his legs like a big phallus and pisses in great arcs. INT. JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY Murray flops onto the couch in his with wet swimsuit and wet t-shirt as he eats an ice-cream bar. Max beats on the piano with his feet.

47 MURRAY Oh! Now I’m ready for brunch. Maybe we can get Douglas to adjust the pool heater? It's not hot enough. MARGE Gently, Max! Gently! Max beats the piano a little more gently with his feet. INT.

DOUG'S ROOM - DAY

Douglas is trying to write.

Murray knocks and walks right in.

MURRAY Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you but how do I work the dryer? INT.

JOHN'S LAUNDRY NOOK - DAY

Alexandria and the others have gathered around to watch the dryer lecture. Douglas talks as if he’s instructing idiots. DOUGLAS Turn this dial to set the time, then press this button to start it. MURRAY How do you know when it’s done? DOUGLAS There’s a buzzer that goes off. O.K.? And you always have to clean the lint tray. You pull it out like this… Oh my God!

ALEXANDRIA Lionel, look!

She points to the backyard where the dogs have cornered a snake who is coiled and hissing, ready to strike. The dogs yap like crazy. Alexandria and the others frantically charge out the back door followed by the lumbering Murray. Douglas walks out behind them. ALEXANDRIA Get away from there! Pablo! Picasso! Oh my God! Do you hear that? It’s a rattler! Doug, help me. Grab Pablo! LIONEL Careful of the jaws! poisonous!

It may be

48 Alexandria pounces on one dog. Douglas grabs the other. They carry them to the door and stuff them inside. As Douglas shuts the door, the dogs squeeze out through his legs and zip back across the patio. ALEXANDRIA Grab them! Grab them! go call someone.

Go!

Douglas,

DOUGLAS Who should I call? ALEXANDRIA I don’t know. Call 911! The Fire Department!

The Police!

Douglas runs in the house. ALEXANDRIA Who takes care of rattlesnakes? MARGE Poison control! MURRAY The Fire Department. Douglas comes out of the house. DOUGLAS They’re on their way. MURRAY Who? DOUGLAS The Fire Department. Murray gives Marge a knowing glance as he grabs the long pole of the pool net and tries to hook the snake with it. ALEXANDRIA Be careful, Murray. MARGE Throw him in the pool. swim.

Snakes can’t

MURRAY Where’d you hear that? got him!

Ooh, Ooh!

I

Murray manages to pick up the snake and toss it in the pool. It slithers through the water and up the other side of the pool. MARGE I read it somewhere.

49 ALEXANDRIA He’s getting away! A big red FIRETRUCK comes struggling up the driveway. A short SIREN BLAST startles Murray and he flops into the water. Douglas and the Fireman stand by the pool deck. DOUGLAS A garden snake? I’m sorry to have troubled you for a false alarm. FIREMAN Don’t worry about it. There are plenty of rattlers out here. You know you really need to clear all this brush, Mr. Masters. It’s a serious fire hazard. DOUGLAS Oh, I’m not Mr. Masters, but I’ll make sure it’s taken care of. Alexandria comforts the dogs in her lap. Murray sits shivering with a blanket around him being comforted by Marge. ALEXANDRIA Oh my poor little darlings. INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - NEXT DAY

The phone rings. The machine doesn’t pick it up. through to house looking for the portable phone.

Douglas chases

The house is a total disaster. Mud and dirt stains all over the floor. Piles of dirty dishes. Boxes of empty wine bottles and beer cans. Pablo and Picasso are enjoying themselves sniffing through the mess. JOHN What happened to the machine? DOUGLAS Oh. Hi John. I don’t know. Alexandria must have turned it off. JOHN Is she there? DOUGLAS No, they all left this morning. After four nights all together.

50 JOHN Who else exactly was there? DOUGLAS Let’s see, Murray, Marge, their kid, Lionel, Laura, oh and the Fire Department! Douglas walks out the back doors into the equally messy yard. JOHN Anyone else? DOUGLAS That’s it, I think. INTERCUT - JOHN ON LOCATION sitting on his director's chair on the green battlefield, stabbing his sword into the ground. JOHN No older guy in his sixties? DOUGLAS No one like that. JOHN No one named ZIGGY? BACK TO DOUGLAS - who has walked up to the grill, covered with chunks of burnt meat, blackened kitchen utensils and dripping barbecue sauce. DOUGLAS No, I’m sure. By the way…

Hello?

But John has hung up. DOUGLAS (to himself) I’m not cleaning this grill. INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Douglas balances the phone and laundry, walks to the laundry nook. tries to slide the door open but the door falls on top of him. INT. DOUG’S ROOM - DAY John’s Mom stands in the doorway in her swimsuit. JOHN'S MOM Is she coming this weekend? DOUGLAS Probably.

He

51 JOHN’S MOM You tell her we’re coming. We aren’t coming, but you tell her anyway, so she doesn’t come with her low-life Hollywood friends. That bitch. DOUGLAS I'll tell her. JOHN’S MOM Well, don’t let me bother you. You keep doing what ever it is you do. John's Mom leaves and Douglas gets back to his writing. hears a SCREAM. He jumps up and runs toward the SOUND. INT.

Suddenly he

MASTER BEDROOM - DAY

Douglas runs in. He sees John’s Mom standing in the walk-in closet, beside herself with hysterical rage.. JOHN’S MOM What are her clothes doing here? She’s moving back in, that bitch. DOUGLAS I don’t know. Why don't you sit down, Mrs. Masters. Douglas leads John's Mom over to the master bed. She sits but jumps up when her hand discovers a caked stain on the bed cover. JOHN'S MOM What is this schmutz? Picasso's business?

Is this

DOUGLAS They must have made on the bed. JOHN'S MOM So, she just leaves it there? DOUGLAS She doesn’t lift a finger. JOHN’S MOM What’s wrong with my son? INT.

JOHN'S KITCHEN - DAY

Douglas pours tea for John’s distraught Mom.

52 JOHN’S MOM You know what this woman does? She calls the police on my son. She tells them he threatens her with a gun. My Johnnie doesn’t have guns! What does she want from him?! DOUGLAS I don’t know. JOHN’S MOM And look what it’s done to my Sammy. It’s ruined his health. Can you fix the Jacuzzi? It's too hot for him. DOUGLAS No problem. John's Dad stands motionless poolside. EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Alexandria’s friends have moved the dining room out to the pool’s edge. ALEXANDRIA It’s not fair. Look how he’s living, while I’m sweating it out in a little Hollywood studio. LIONEL You’re right, your Highness. ALEXANDRIA John stands to make quite a bundle from this movie. He doesn't know it yet but he’s going to buy me a house when he gets back! A nice little place on the ocean. MARGE That's telling him! Marge emphasizes her words slamming her drink on the table. falls and the alcohol ignites.

A candle

ALEXANDRIA It's a fire! It's a fire! Put it out! Put it out! Pablo! Picasso! Alexandria throws her drink to flare up with a WOOOSH! with a cloth napkin but the He drops it with a YEOOCH! lights it.

on the fire but it only causes the flame Brave Murray has tried to beat the flame napkin catches fire and burns his hand. The napkin falls on the dry brush and

53 Now the backyard is on fire. around.

It's pandemonium as everyone runs

The big red firetruck comes struggling up the driveway. BLAST startles Murray and he falls into the pool.

A short SIREN

Douglas and the Fireman again stand by the smoky pool deck. FIREMAN You're a very lucky man Mr. Master's. A little gust more wind and Poof!, no more house. So, I don't really need to mention the brush again, do I? Oh, by the way, do you mind if I leave you this headshot? You never know. DOUGLAS I’m not Mr. Masters. Alexandria comforts the dogs in her lap. All her friends file out toward their cars Alexandria drops the dogs and chases after them. ALEXANDRIA Hey, you don't have to leave! Come on, there's plenty more to drink! INT.

DOUG'S ROOM - NIGHT - LATER

Douglas picks up the phone to make a call. He hears Alexandria talking, starts to hang up. He reconsiders, covers the mouthpiece, and listens. ALEXANDRIA (on phone) I just don't know, Ziggy. ZIGGY (on phone) We could have it all, Lexi. Just think about it. Just say the word, honey. I've got friends. Just one call, a little gift under the hood of his car, and no more Johnnie. Doug's eyes widen with shock. LATER - The house is quiet. a little smoky, but quiet. silence is broken by a familiar humming.

Suddenly the

Douglas lies in his bed, trying to sleep. He covers his head with his pillow as Alexandria drones on and on with her “Buddhist” chanting. ALEXANDRIA Nom bahoho yoho boho yaba daba… FADE TO:

54 INT. JOHN’S HOUSE -

NIGHT - BLACK & WHITE DREAM SEQUENCE

Alexandria, like the insane GLORIA SWANSON in “Sunset Boulevard”, leans against Doug's bedroom door dressed in a shimmering gown and looking about thirty years older despite gobs of makeup. ALEXANDRIA Let me in, Doug. I’m better now. She pushes open the door to find Douglas packing. spiked dog collar around his neck.

Douglas wears a

ALEXANDRIA What are you doing, Doug. DOUGLAS I’m leaving, Maureen. I’ve had it with you and your dogs. Here. I won’t be needing this. Douglas takes off the dog collar and throws it on the bed on top of a bunch of leashes. Alexandria throws herself at Douglas. ALEXANDRIA You can’t leave me, Doug. I’ll die! Please don’t go. I wasn’t kidding about the gun, Doug. Look! She pulls a pistol out of her pocket. Douglas ignores her, closes his suitcase, and pushing past her, leaves the room. Douglas walks down the hall and starts down a huge curving palatial stairway that has magically appeared in the house. Alexandria follows some distance behind, waving her gun. ALEXANDRIA (screaming) Stay! Stay! EXT.

JOHN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Douglas walks out of the back door of the house toward the glowing swimming pool. Pablo and Picasso trail behind him. Alexandria appears in the doorway, points the gun and fires. There is a SPLASH. ANGLE UP from the bottom of the swimming pool, we see one of the dogs floating lifeless on the water, his four legs stretched out unnaturally. John, bald and dressed like Eric Von Stroheim stands stiffly on the diving board with a CAMERA CREW. JOHN Are you ready? Alexandria, you are the greatest star the universe has ever known!

55 ALEXANDRIA Mr. DeMasters, I’m ready for my closeup. Alexandria comes walking down the pool stairs into the water and directly into the CAMERA. As she walks deeper into the water, her face gets bigger and bigger, more bizarre and more frightening. SHOCK CUT: INT.

DOUG’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Douglas shoots up in bed in a cold sweat.

The dogs are barking.

DOUGLAS God damned dogs. INSERT - A lipstick smeared cup in the kitchen rattles and falls with a SMASH. Suddenly the whole house starts to SHAKE. Douglas bolts to his feet, steps in dog poop and swears. is pounding on his door. ALEXANDRIA (screaming) It’s an earthquake! Pablo!

Alexandria

Picasso!

Douglas runs into the hall. He sees big waves sloshing over the sides of the swimming pool in the backyard. The house stops shaking. ALEXANDRIA Lock Pablo and Picasso in the bathroom! There may still be broken glass. INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Douglas stands in the front doorway watching Alexandria drive away. DOUGLAS (on phone) No. Just Alexandria. The dogs are fine. The house is fine. Douglas bends over to run his fingers along a crack in the cement front walk. A quizzical look of concern crosses his face. JOHN (offscreen on phone) From now on, you’ll be taking care of the utilities. DOUGLAS What? It’s Alexandria who wants the pool heated, not me.

56 JOHN Gotta go. DOUGLAS Look John, I overheard something last night I think you should know. Hello? But John has hung up. MONTAGE of cars coming and going. John's Mom leaves the house, then Alexandria and her friends arrive, and vice versa, over and over again. INT.

JOHN'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Alexandria, Lionel, and Marge whisper loud enough for anyone in the house to hear, including Douglas who is in his room trying to write. MARGE Doesn't he cook for them? ALEXANDRIA He cooks, but I think he eats it himself. LIONEL They look well fed to me. ALEXANDRIA He’s abusing the dogs. LIONEL Now Alex, he’s a good lad. ALEXANDRIA He’s been giving them canned food. LIONEL That’s not going to kill them, your Highness. ALEXANDRIA They need lots of attention and affection. They’re like people. You just can’t ignore them. You can’t treat them like animals. INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Alexandria’s friends are again camped out on foam pads, cushions and couches all over the house.

57 INT.

DOUG’S ROOM -NIGHT

Douglas lies in his bed. The now familiar sound of Alexandria's droning “Buddhist” chanting suddenly falls silent. Douglas can hear Alexandria talking. Her VOICE rises to a SHRIEK and it's clear she's talking to John on the phone. ALEXANDRIA I let you have custody of the dogs and you treat them like this? You leave them with a stranger?! INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Douglas is on the phone with John. DOUGLAS I am NOT abusing the dogs! JOHN (offscreen on phone) I know that. But… DOUGLAS Honestly, that really pisses me off that someone would accuse me of that. I don't think you realize… Hello? But John has hung up. EXT.

JOHN'S DRIVEWAY - DAY

Douglas and Jamison are waiting for someone. DOUGLAS I told her I wasn't taking those dogs anywhere in my car. JAMISON At least things ought to quiet down for you now. I hope so. drill.

DOUGLAS I guess you know the

JAMISON I made it clear to John that I want nothing to do with those dogs.

58 DOUGLAS It’s not their fault they’re so screwed up, Jamison. No one bothered to train them. Those dogs deserve a better life, you know. They’re completely spoiled and neurotic. And they’re going to drop dead from all that rich food, mark my word. JAMISON Getting a bit carried away, aren't we? What the hell do you care? (yelling at the house) Alexandria! We're going to be late! DOUGLAS You know, you really can't blame the dogs, Jamison. I blame John and Alexandria. JAMISON I blame the dogs. By the way, message from John, and I quote. “Do me a favor. Please don’t tell my Mom!” DOUGLAS What a baby. Seriously Jamison, you've got to warn John about Alexandria. You're not going to believe what I overheard but… Alexandria comes prancing out of the house carrying two doggie travel cages which she puts down right in front of the door. ALEXANDRIA We're ready! INT. AIRPORT - DAY Alexandria enters the electric doors victoriously. Douglas and Jamison follow right behind her, each carrying one of the dogs. Alexandria strides up to the front of the ticket line and starts to talk to a TOURIST COUPLE as she cuts in line. ALEXANDRIA These are my two stars. They’re going to be in a movie. My babies are movie stars! My little dog stars! Alexandria talks to the OFFICER at the X-ray conveyer belt. ALEXANDRIA Now don’t X-ray my babies!

59 INT.

AIRPLANE FIRST CLASS CABIN - DAY

Alexandria sits, eyes closed and chanting herself into a frenzy. ALEXANDRIA Nom bahoho yoho boho yaba daba… All the PASSENGERS crane their heads to see what the source of this annoying sound could be. A MAN motions to the Stewardess. MAN Could I get some headphones, please. Suddenly Alexandria jumps to her feet. ALEXANDRIA Stop the plane! I have to get off! Alexandria pushes her back through oncoming passengers. INT. AIRPORT GATE - DAY Alexandria exits the plane and runs past Douglas to the pay phone. DOUGLAS What's the matter? ALEXANDRIA Hello? Dammit! I don’t care who he’s with. This is an emergency! Hello? Dr. Burns? This is Alexandria. Jamison exits the plane gate just as the doors are closing. DOUGLAS What should we do? freaking. Jamison shrugs, who cares. Breathe? breathe? Jamison!

She’s really

The plane begins to taxi away.

ALEXANDRIA You’re telling me to Goddammit. Wait a second… Where are the dogs?

Jamison inclines his head indicating the plane. phone and runs to the door. She pounds on it. ALEXANDRIA Hold the plane! Let me back on that plane. My babies are on that plane!

Alexandria drops the

60 INT. AIRPLANE FIRST CLASS CABIN - DAY Alexandria sits content and self-satisfied to have caused so much commotion. Behind her, Jamison sits uncomfortably with Pablo and Picasso on his lap. We hear the SOUND of water beating against cloth. JAMISON Oh, shit! The dogs have pissed all over Jamison. EXT.

JOHN’S HOUSE - DAY

John’s Mom sits by the pool as Douglas walks up. JOHN’S MOM She’s up there with him.

Isn’t she?

EXT. BATTLEFIELD - DAY Smoke, fire, horses, soldiers, a big mess. Suddenly Joe’s face, made up as a bearded CONFEDERATE SOLDIER, fills the SCREEN. JOE (screaming) Cry “Havoc!” Let slip the dogs of war! Pablo and Picasso run through the battlefield, in between the horses legs, dodging falling rubble, and stopping to sniff and nibble on the gapping wounds of the fallen soldiers. The soldiers shoo them away. Pablo sleeps comfortably on a pile of cannonballs. A soldier accidentally grabs the dog instead of a cannonball, stuffs him down into the barrel and FIRES. Out EXPLODES a ball of white fur. INT.

JOHN’S LOCATION HOUSE BEDROOM - MORNING

John shoots up in bed gasping in a cold sweat. Pablo!

JOHN Picasso!

The dogs scurry into the room and scramble up into bed with him. sighs with relief. It was just a DREAM.

John

EXT. THE BATTLEFIELD - DAY Alexandria, in a white poodley fake fur jacket, giant sunglasses, and signature slash of red lipstick; is pulled by Pablo and Picasso’s leashes across the battlefield. REENACTORS eyeball her curiously. TITLE - Chapter 5...........The Dogs of War

61 JOHN (voiceover) Memo to all cast and crew: We have guests! Please take care when moving equipment and when opening and closing doors not to crush my dogs, Pablo and Picasso. Thank-you for your help. Violet dressed as a set P.A., spots Alexandria across the field. VIOLET (screaming) Oh no! Hey, you fucking slut! whore!

You

Violet runs to a truck and grabs a bullhorn. Marty shuffles along behind. Violet gets increasingly carried away, laughing maniacally. VIOLET (amplified by bullhorn) Hey, look everybody. Here she comes. Miss Butt Fuck America with her two little vermin, Poop and Piss!. It's the bitch! Hey Bitch! Hey Painted Lady! Hey you fucking whore! Hey Maureen! Hey everybody! Look at the fucking whore with her red fucking lipstick you FUCKING CUNT! YOU WHORE! Jamison has arrived and tries to grab the bullhorn from Violet. Violet won't let go and the two of them wrestle and SCREAM.

But

NOTE: There is a feeling, in this and subsequent SCENES, of FOLLOWING JAMISON as he runs around "putting out fires." on the LOCATION SET. JAMISON Violet, calm down! to work.

People are trying

VIOLET Look Lamebone, my Dad is the director, so suck my dick why don't you? EXT.

THE BATTLEFIELD -DAY

John rides his horse across the battlefield in his director’s clothes. Jamison walks on foot behind the horse. JAMISON Tammy from twelve to two. Dinner with Susie at five. Drinks with Robin at ten-thirty. And Claudia's expecting you at midnight.

62 JOHN Call them all and cancel. On second thought, reschedule. Alexandria shouldn’t be here long. The SPECIAL EFFECTS MAN runs up to John with a bucket of fake blood. JOHN It’s still too thick. juice.

Think tomato

Joe walks up. JOE Can I talk to you a minute? JOHN What’s up? JOE Look, I took a pay cut on this project because I believe in you. But I don’t want to be taken advantage of. JOHN Get to the point, Joe. JOE I want a bigger trailer. JOHN A bigger trailer? What’s wrong with the one you’ve got? JOE Goddammit, John. The dogs have a bigger trailer than me. A PAUSE JOHN We’ll get you a bigger trailer. INT.

HONEY WAGON - DAY

Jamison is showing the honey wagon COOK a menu. COOK This is one crackpot director, eh? Boneless breasts, spinach, squash! I’d like to squash those little mutts of his! EXT. BATTLEFIELD - DAY

63 Joe is on a horse talking through his fake mustache into a cell phone. JOE We have a deal, remember. I really don't know how much longer I can hold out. Summer Day Care? He's 3 years old for crying out loud. Hold on. Jamison, what the fuck is going on? Jamison walks past and across the battlefield toward a production car. JAMISON Almost ready. Just need a director! (frantically into walkie-talkie) Where is Mr. Dog Feeder? I'm checking it now. INT.

PRODUCTION CAR - DAY

Violet sits on the phone in a production car, AC and music blasting. VIOLET I'm in your Modern Art History class. I'm writing my final paper to make up for my incomplete. But right now I'm super busy working on my Dad's movie which is like experience in the real world and… just a second… Jamison knocks on the window of the car. JAMISON C'mon Violet. Time to work. What?

VIOLET Can't hear you.

It's too hot!

Jamison calls her on his walkie-talkie. VIOLET (into phone) Can you hold for a second? (into walkie-talkie) Hello? Violet Masters' office. JAMISON Look Violet, you’re not setting a very good example. Violet turns off the walkie-talkie and goes back to the phone. EXT.

BATTLEFIELD - DAY

John sits on his horse under a tree. Jamison approaches, John indicates that he is busy on the phone. Jamison points to his watch and waits.

64 JOHN (on cellular phone) How often? Every fucking night. Is that reoccurring enough for you? Every night my dogs die in some horrible new way. Now what is that supposed to mean, Doctor? CUT TO: As Corrie proudly looks on, John and his CAMERA CREW film CORRIE’S KID, dressed as a UNION DRUMMER BOY, beating solemnly on his drum. Behind him the battlefield is covered with dead bodies and smoldering destruction. We hear a DEEP VOICE, like that of a Native American. DEEP VOICE (voiceover) It’s a shame. This place used to be so green. And now this! It's a tragedy. What a waste. You know, we could landscape it for you! FADE TO: The dry brown lawn in John's L.A. back yard. Douglas paces the yard with the GARDENER, the person the DEEP VOICE belongs to. Mexican WORKERS clear dry yellow brush in the background. DOUGLAS That would be great but I’m not authorized. They reach the front walk.

Water trickles from the cracked cement.

GARDENER Looks like you've got a burst pipe. INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Douglas is on the portable phone with Jamison. DOUGLAS Yeah. It was only a trickle this morning. Hold on a second. The doorbell RINGS. Douglas opens the door to find Murray and family. Behind them, the water leak is now a gushing geyser. DOUGLAS Alexandria’s not here. MURRAY I know. We’re here to teach Max to swim! John gave us permission. Is the pool warmed up?

65 DOUGLAS I’m not allowed to turn the heat on. MURRAY What do you mean? He wouldn’t mind if we turned it on. Max is splashing in the water from the leak. Look!

MAX It's a waterfall!

Max!

MARGE Get away from there!

DOUGLAS John says I’m paying the oil bill now. MURRAY That really tears it up for us. can’t stand a cold pool.

I

DOUGLAS It’s really hot out, you know. So the water’s going to be warm anyway. MURRAY I like it heated. EXT. BATTLEFIELD LOCATION - NIGHT Alexandria approaches Jamison who sits at a picnic table with the crew. ALEXANDRIA Jamison, would you get a couple of plates for Pablo and Picasso? JAMISON Look, I'm off right now Alexandria. And anyway, I don't work for you, I work for your EX-husband. Alexandria walks away in a huff.

Everyone pats Jamison on the back.

At another table, Joe is talking to a SALLY, a pretty local reporter. JOE Call me Joe, Sally.

66 SALLY (flustered) O.K., Joe. Now, I'm sure my readers would be curious to know how you get into character. I heard you even lost weight for this part. Joe lifts his shirt to pat his flat belly. JOE Yep, I’ve lost twenty pounds. We’re eating the same rations the original soldiers ate. Mostly beans and salted beef jerky. SALLY How’s it taste? JOE (flirtatiously) Frankly darlin', it’s awful. But I want to be in the same miserable and muddy conditions of the guy I’m portraying. I want to feel his suffering and his hunger. Joe smiles his movie star smile. EXT.

Sally gazes, lost, into Joe's eyes.

BATTLEFIELD - NIGHT

Reenactors sit around little campfires eating beans and jerky. GUY IN GRAY This is worse than Disney! On a hilltop overlooking the battlefield, the silhouettes of John and Alexandria eating can be seen in a lit-up tent. GUY IN BLUE Look at them. Laughing and carrying on. GUY IN GRAY While we do the dirty work. the way it always is.

That's

INT. THE TENT - NIGHT John and Alexandria eat at their fancy little table while Pablo and Picasso eat the same thing at their feet. JOHN Goddammit, Alex, I can’t get you your own trailer.

67 ALEXANDRIA So I’m supposed to share one with Pablo and Picasso? JOHN You can use mine. I’m the director. I have a very nice trailer. FOLLOWING PABLO AND PICASSO, who have finished their lovely meal and now crawl out under the tent flaps and wander away among the soldiers, who toss them globs of beans and jerky which the dogs happily gobble up. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Sally and Joe are in bed together. JOE All the jobs are filled but I’d be glad to talk to John. INT. ANOTHER HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Corrie opens her door. is not happy.

Violet storms in with all her luggage.

INT. HONEYCAR - DAY Alexandria and the Cook are in a heated discussion. ALEXANDRIA You gave my dog’s ulcers! been feeding them beans? No m’am. men.

Have you

COOK Beans are for the fighting

ALEXANDRIA Well, whatever it was, you’ve poisoned them. COOK No one’s poisoned your dogs, lady. ALEXANDRIA Do you keep your meat cold? COOK My meat’s fine. ALEXANDRIA Because you have to keep the refrigerator extra cold so the meat doesn’t spoil.

Corrie

68 COOK You want to hold my meat, lady? You want to smell it? You want to taste it? ALEXANDRIA How dare you talk to me like that! I’m the director’s wife. COOK I don’t care who you are. fuck out of my kitchen.

Get the

Alexandria storms out. EXT.

BATTLEFIELD - DAY

Alexandria wheels a twin baby buggy across the field with a sick looking Pablo and Picasso in the seats. She is heading toward Jamison who is on the run somewhere. Jamison's WALKIE TALKIE comes on. WALKIE TALKIE (voiceover) Jamison! Condition Red! You've got the Painted Lady at eleven o'clock with Poop and Piss incoming. JAMISON Roger. Thanks. I see them. evasive action.

Taking

Jamison tries to avoid Alexandria, but it's too late. ALEXANDRIA Jamison! Jamison! We ave-hay to go to the octor-day! JAMISON What the hell are you talking about? ALEXANDRIA Eterinarian-vay! Eterinarian-vay! JAMISON What on… Sorry my Pig Latin’ a bit rusty A veterinarian? Are you sick? ALEXANDRIA Very funny. And not so loud, they hate that word. It's Ablo-pay and Icasso-pay. Somebody poisoned them and you're driving. JAMISON I’m sorry Alexandria, we’re setting up for the next scene.

69 ALEXANDRIA This is an emergency! with John. INT.

I cleared it

PRODUCTION CAR - DAY

Violet is in the car blabbing to her psychiatrist as Jamison silently drives Alexandria and the dogs. VIOLET (on phone) So he’s like, "Why don't you marry him? And I'm like, "Why?" He's like, "So you can qualify for free married housing!" Can you believe that shit, Dr. Burns? I'm the financial fucking burden. She’s right here. I've just been taken prisoner. It's for you. Violet offers the phone to Alexandria who takes it and tosses it out the window. Violet nearly dives after it. INT.

VET'S OFFICE - DAY

Pablo and Picasso lie on the examination bed as Alex confronts the VETERINARIAN, who is trying to control his temper. Jamison observes. ALEXANDRIA You don't know what you're talking about. I want you to do an E.K.G., whatever, and a cholesterol count. VETERINARIAN Look, I can give you a prescription. I don't think it's more than a mild case of indigestion. Dogs have very strong stomachs. Canines do not have ulcers. ALEXANDRIA I'm going to call my personal vet in New York. Have you heard of Ziggy Pinkelstien? I'm going to have you disbarred or whatever they do to hayseed butchers like you! Jamison, let's get out of here! INT.

LOCATION LOCAL TAVERN - NIGHT

A bar filled with Civil War antiques, now occupied by the movie company. Alexandria sits on a table, drinking and carrying on with a bunch of Teamsters. Corrie and Jamison observe from the bar. CORRIE Does she really think all that shit on her face is attractive?

70 JAMISON Those ruby lips! CORRIE I love John, but he's sure got lousy taste. JAMISON (drunkenly) I love John, but… I love John, but… John's GREAT, BUT! Two drunk CREW GUYS sit at a table shaking their heads. CREW GUY #1 Who do I have to fuck to get off this picture? CREW GUY #2 motions toward Alexandria.

CREW GUY #1 sizes her up.

CREW GUY #1 It ain't worth it. Joe enters the bar drunk, with his arm around Sally and trailed by a gang of his equally drunk acting buddies. He staggers through the place lifting a limp arm to wave now and then. He accosts a local ELDERLY WOMAN who holds a tiny dog in her arms. JOE (slurring) Is that a harbingerofviolence? No.

ELDERLY WOMAN It’s a Pomeranian.

TOMMY taps Joe on the shoulder. TOMMY Look! There's the guy was asking all those questions about you. JOE He’s a fucking tabloid reporter. I can smell them a mile away. Remember the bar scene in "Blood and Gusto"? TOMMY I'm way ahead of you. Joe and Tommy approach the GUY AT THE BAR.

71 JOE Hey there. How's it going? tourist, huh?

You a

GUY AT THE BAR (nervously) Well, yes. I mean, no. Hey! that back!

Give

Tommy has maneuvered himself behind the guy at the bar and now picks his pocket with a flourish and opens it. JOE Well now, Jimmy Olson. Let's just see exactly what fish wrapper you scribble for. Tommy shuffles through the cards in the wallet. TOMMY He's a fucking detective! JOE (screaming) Who the fuck you working for? GUY AT BAR Give you one big guess, smart guy. But you guys are the only dicks I see in here. The guy at the bar grabs his wallet back and turns to go. swing at him and falls flat on his face.

Joe takes a

INT. ANOTHER MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Sally and John are in bed together. EXT.

BATTLEFIELD LOCATION - NIGHT

John and Fred the Producer walk across the battlefield under the stars like two Generals checking their troops. Attendants follow close behind. REENACTORS in tents and sleeping bags nod as they pass. FRED THE PRODUCER John, we’ve had some complaints from the office staff. The dogs are driving them crazy and we may have a mutiny if something isn’t done. Don’t they like their trailer? JOHN I hate for them to be cooped up alone all day. Have the carpenters build a corral.

72 FRED THE PRODUCER Jesus, John. They’ve got their hands full building sets. We’re making a movie here, Remember? JOHN And there are turkey buzzards to consider. Put the wranglers on it. FRED THE PRODUCER I think they have their hands full with the horses. John mimes tapping a microphone like a standup comedian. JOHN (yelling) Hello? Hellooo?! Anybody out there? I'm dying up here. EXT.

BATTLEFIELD -DAY

EXTRAS are over-dramatically dying as guns ROAR around them. FADE TO: JACKHAMMERS pound into cement. INT.

A BIG VALVE is twisted shut.

DOUG'S ROOM - DAY

Douglas is awoken by the relentless SOUND of jackhammers. A MONTAGE of pipe leak repair at John's house is INTERCUT with scenes of war and carnage on the movie set. The JACKHAMMER GUYS dig a giant pit exposing the pipes. SOLDIERS dig foxholes and trenches for the dead. ARTILLERY MEN load and fire. Douglas collects water for cooking out of the full bathtub. A thirsty SOLDIER fills his hat with water from a rain barrel and drinks it. PLUMBERS drench the pipes and surrounding cement rubble with sloppy bright blue pipe glue. MEDICS tend to the fallen, in pools of red blood. EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Douglas is shaving in the pool.

The doorbell RINGS.

TITLE - Chapter 6...........The Dog Stars INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Douglas answers the door for Violet and Giorgia. They walk in with lots of luggage. Violet points to the pit and exposed pipes.

73 VIOLET What's with the hole? DOUGLAS Earthquake. Hey, we met back East. Remember? VIOLET (sarcastically) As long as I live! Where's the phone? GIORGIA She called me from the airport last night. I drove her up here but they wouldn’t let us in. We were at the gate for hours. DOUGLAS Where did you sleep? GIORGIA She stayed with me but she’s supposed to stay up here. DOUGLAS Well, it is her father’s house. GIORGIA Didn't anyone call you? DOUGLAS Not a word. But why didn't you call me last night? GIORGIA We tried but there was no answer. DOUGLAS That's strange. I can't believe the gate wouldn't let you in. VIOLET It figures. Maureen’s on the list and all her goddamn friends and I’m his daughter and I can’t even get into my own father’s house. DOUGLAS Giorgia, I wanted to apologize for the last time… GIORGIA It’s forgotten

74 DOUGLAS What happened to your job, Violet? VIOLET Ale-fucking-xandria! That's what happened. She arrives and dear Daddy boots me out of the house. And he's all like "Stay in the fucking hotel with the rest of the crew?" And I'm like "Gracias e Adios, mio padre!" DOUGLAS She's staying with John? VIOLET Oh, he’s back with the fucking bitch. Big time. Where's the phone? GIORGIA Seriously. By the way, John says, and I quote, “Please don’t sleep with my daughter.” DOUGLAS Very funny. GIORGIA She has no car, Doug. stranded here.

She’ll be

DOUGLAS Well, I’m not a chauffeur. And there's no water until tomorrow. VIOLET No water?! That settles it. I’m leaving tonight. I can’t stand L.A. There's earthquakes here. Can you drive me to the airport? DOUGLAS But you just got here. GIORGIA Don't look at me. I've got to get back to work. I forgot.

DOUGLAS Some people have jobs.

Violet gives Douglas a pleading look. DOUGLAS (cont'd) Oh, I guess so. You have any gas money?

75 INT.

DOUG'S CAR - DAY VIOLET Don't you have a car phone? DOUGLAS Sorry, Violet. I'm not quite in that price bracket.

Violet taps her knee nervously. EXT.

AIRPORT - DAY VIOLET Come in with me. I'm nervous about flying. DOUGLAS You're a big girl Violet. fine.

INT.

You'll be

DOUG'S ROOM - NIGHT

The phone rings, waking Douglas from a deep sleep. VIOLET Hello, Douglas? It's Violet. I just couldn't stay on the plane. Could you pick me up? I'm at the airport. DOUGLAS (to himself) It must be hereditary. INT.

JOHN'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Douglas and Violet walk in from the drive from the airport. DOUGLAS Well, if you're having Cocoa Puffs, I'm having Cocoa Puffs! VIOLET Thanks for stopping for them. DOUGLAS Well I can't let you starve. Douglas and Violet sit at the dining room table eating from big bowls of Cocoa Puffs. Their mouths are stuffed. VIOLET My tuition went up her god damn nose. DOUGLAS Cocaine?

76 VIOLET No schmizz, she'll do dog food. She'll do flea powder. Doesn't matter to Maureen. DOUGLAS You know, these aren't half bad. INT.

LOCATION PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY

As Jamison hangs up the phone, John is pulling a fit. Fred and Corrie watch. Pablo and Picasso still run around at their feet. JOHN Look, if you don’t let me film this one scene, I don’t know what I’ll do. I won’t be responsible. FRED THE PRODUCER I thought you wanted to make an all male war movie. What happened to integrity? Jesus, it stinks in here. CORRIE I told you. JOHN This isn't a movie glorifying war. How many times… We're making a statement here. So, we have a flashback. Big deal. FRED THE PRODUCER They slow down a picture, that's the big deal! JOHN Look, I’ve made a commitment. Goddammit! I won’t stand for this kind of treatment! John walks out in a huff. CORRIE Remember John, you have the Historical Advisor at two. FRED THE PRODUCER Jamison, see if you can get John on his car phone. But suddenly Jamison's cellular phone rings.

Jamison answers.

77 EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY John is in his car, in the parking lot, on his car phone. JOHN Shhhh!… Jamison, don’t tell anyone it’s me. How are they reacting? INT.

LOCATION PRODUCTION OFFICE - LATER

Fred the Producer and Joe are looking over some new script pages. FRED THE PRODUCER No one said anything about the dogs. JOHN So she has dogs.

Big deal.

JOE I can't believe you want me to act this scene with her, John. I hate her guts. JOHN C’mon Joe. I know you’re a professional. You’ll be great. JOE It’ll be a challenge, that’s for sure. JOHN You're a real friend. A bespeckled old man, the HISTORICAL ADVISOR, walks up with a big book. HISTORICAL ADVISOR May I point out, there were no dogs like this in America at that time. INT.

MAKEUP CAR - DAY

Alexandria is screaming at her makeup and hair people and at the dog groomers, who work on Pablo and Picasso in the chair next to hers. ALEXANDRIA This wig is shit! Pablo has better hair than this! (to dog groomers) Fluffier! Tease it more! INT.

WARDROBE CAR - DAY

Alexandria is being fitted into an extravagant Scarlet O'Hara dress.

78 ALEXANDRIA You call this Rose?! This isn't Rose! The director will hear about this! The DRESSER contemplates giving her a good stick with a pin as Alexandria fusses and slaps away the dresser's hands. INT. SMALL SOUND STAGE SET - DAY Dressed to look like the parlor of a Southern plantation. Alexandria sits in a big wicker chair in her dress, chanting under her breath, "Nom bahoho yoho boho yaba daba…" Joe stands nearby. Next to the John's canvas director’s chair are two little canvas chairs with the names “Pablo” and “Picasso” printed on them. Someone yells, "Rolling, speed, action!" and the SCENE begins. JOE I have to go, my darling. of the south is at stake!

The honor

Alexandria turns to OFFSCREEN. ALEXANDRIA Don’t cry little ones. Look, I do believe the little ones are crying. ANGLE ON Pablo and Picasso, all puffed up in big red bows. ANGLE ON CREW MEMBERS holding their noses as they work. ANGLE ON VIOLET as P.A. her mouth taped shut with gaffer's tape. Joe pets the dogs.

A real acting job.

JOE There, there, little doggies. Don’t you fret. Daddy’ll be back just as soon as we take care of them Yankees. JOHN Cut! Okay, let's set up for some coverage on the dogs. JOE (aside to John) You owe me one. FRED THE PRODUCER Couldn't that be second unit? JOHN I'd like to film my own dogs, thank you.

79 The D.P. holds a light meter up to the dogs' faces. showing their little fangs. EXT.

They GROWL,

BATTLEFIELD - DAY

Murray, dressed as a CONFEDERATE GENERAL takes a deep breath of the morning air. MURRAY (with thick Brooklyn accent) I love the smell of bacon in the morning! Tommy walks up to Murray with a big tray. as Murray. TOMMY Breakfast for the general! flapjacks, piping hot!

He's almost as bad an actor

Blueberry

MURRAY I like a light breakfast before a battle. Cut!

JOHN We can loop it.

Alexandria stands in a small group watching the filming with ZIGGY the dog trainer by her side. Jamison sees them. JAMISON Oh shit! CORRIE What nerve! John walks over to Jamison, boiling mad. JOHN Jamison, get rid of that guy. him off my set.

Get

Jamison walks over to Alexandria and Ziggy. JAMISON Excuse me, but I have to ask you to leave. This is a closed set. ALEXANDRIA He's with me, Jamison. JAMISON I don't care. He has to leave, Alexandria.

80 JOHN Get the fuck off my set! John charges toward them. Fred the Producer and Joe try to hold him back. Ziggy runs away like a dog with his tail between his legs. ALEXANDRIA Get back here, Ziggy! Alexandria gives John a dirty look, then turns and leaves in a huff. Suddenly John breaks away from Joe and Fred and bolts after Ziggy again and tackles him. The two men roll around on the ground. Ziggy tries to protect himself from John’s punches. Pablo and Picasso get into the act now, tearing at Ziggy’s clothes. JOHN So you’re gonna make a little phone call huh, you little shit. Just who do you think you’re dealing with? Joe pulls John off Ziggy. JOHN You’re just lucky I’m not a violent man. JOE Let's take a walk John. Give yourself a chance to cool down. FRED THE PRODUCER Hey! Where are you going? We're making a movie here! John and Joe walk off toward the road past Jamison who stands with John’s little black book talking on his cellular phone. JAMISON Yeah, John would really like to see you, Angela. John Masters. You met him at Tiramisu. INT.

LOCAL BAR - DAY

John is drinking hard with Joe in the empty bar. JOE That bitch! Right after her big scene she goes off on a fucking romantic weekend with the fucking dog trainer!?

81 JOHN I don’t know, Joe. In Europe, couples have mistresses and lovers. No one thinks twice about it. We should be able to be civilized. JOE You’re just trying to rationalize it, John. It’s tearing you apart. EXT.

THE BATTLEFIELD - DAY

John is filming a big scene, with Joe on a horse in front of a large bunch of foot soldiers. JOHN And cut! That was great. the problem?

What was

SOUND MAN The dogs were barking. Were they? Alex.

JOHN Keep the dogs quiet,

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR O.K. Everybody back to one. Let’s not waste time. Alex sits near the camera holding the dogs on leashes and motioning for them to quiet down. The dogs react to various things throughout the SCENE and their little heads bob up and down. JOHN Alex, why don’t you take Pablo and Picasso back to their trailer? ALEXANDRIA They’ll be good, Daddy. (to dogs) Now you be good! JOHN Give them doggie treats or something, honey. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR QUIET!!!! O.K. Background. Rolling. Speed. Action! JOE We cannot allow the honor of our proud mothers to be besmuched…son of a BITCH!

82 CUT!!

JOHN What was the problem then?

SOUND MAN Same thing. The dogs. JOHN I didn’t hear them. ALEXANDRIA The horse is scaring them. The horse snorts at the dogs. JOE Steady, boy. Steady. Keep those mutts away from me or I’ll run ‘em through. The MAKEUP GIRL rides up on a horse to powder Joe’s nose. getting angrier and angrier.

Joe is

JOE What a pain in the ass. MAKEUP GIRL The Civil War was never this bad, darling. We see Sally, now a P.A.

She winks at Joe.

JOE Thank god today's a Wrap for me! A huge crane keeps rising and falling with each new take and setup. John sits like a happy little boy, high up in the air, in a chair next to the camera. So high! Quick shots, like dailies accelerate. We see snatches of Joe flubbing his "besmirched" line in different takes. CLOSE ON JOE who after interruption after interruption, is finally losing it and forgetting he is miked, mumbles angrily… JOE Who do I have to fuck to get my dogs on this movie? INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

On the TV, Vincent Price is killing Robert Morse in "Theater of Blood". Douglas is lounging in his boxer shorts watching. Dirty plates, old pizza, popcorn, and Want Ads surround him. The doorbell RINGS. TITLE - Chapter 7...........Doggie Style

83 DOUGLAS Just a minute! Who the hell could that be? Douglas shuffles over to the door and opens it to find NATALIE BROOKS, a woman in her thirties now, but still wearing her trademark pigtails. She is flanked by two big dogs. Douglas is surprised. NATALIE Didn’t John tell you? DOUGLAS What? NATALIE My husband and I are splitting up. These are his dogs. They're Red Rhodesian Ridgebacks. She lets the big dogs go and they're off on a sniffing expedition. Suddenly a TROOP OF PEOPLE start marching in with a truckload of boxes. They load the boxes into the already box-filled living room. DOUGLAS Watch out for the pit! NATALIE I feel just terrible. have told you.

Someone should

DOUGLAS Don’t worry about it. I only wish we could have met under better circumstances. I’m sorry for your trouble. NATALIE There’s no trouble. fine.

Everything’s

Natalie leaves and Douglas shuts the door. The living room is now filled with what appears to be all Joe’s worldly possessions. INT.

DOUG'S ROOM - LATER

Douglas is sleeping. He wakes suddenly as he hears the front door open and someone come in. He gets up and walks down the hall to find Joe standing drunkenly staring at the boxes in the living room. JOE I don't fucking believe this. RUFUS and ROSIE suddenly appear and run up to their master.

84

Rufus? dogs!

JOE Rosie?

My dogs!

My fucking

Joe notices Douglas and smiles a movie star smile. Oh, hi.

JOE Where do I sleep?

DOUGLAS The master bedroom, down the hall. JOE I'm crashing. I can't believe this shit. Joe stumbles off down the hall. INT.

A few moments later, there is a THUD.

DOUG'S ROOM - NEXT MORNING

Douglas wakes to engine being REVVED and a car SCREECHING away. closes his eyes again. Douglas wakes to Rufus and Rosie licking his face. away.

He

He shoos them

Douglas wakes to a very insistent DOORBELL and Rufus and Rosie BARKING. INT. JOHN'S HOUSE - NEXT MORNING Doug opens the front door to find TOMMY, who seems very agitated. TOMMY Is Joe there? DOUGLAS No, can I give him a message? TOMMY Let me ask you. Was he here last night? I’m sorry.

DOUGLAS Who are you?

TOMMY I’m his friend, Tommy. the hell is this hole?

Jesus!

What

DOUGLAS Well, I don’t know you at all, Tommy, but I get the feeling there’s something wrong and I wish you’d tell me what it is.

85 TOMMY You don’t know Joe, either. DOUGLAS Well, we met last night. TOMMY No, I mean, you don’t KNOW Joe. You don’t know what he’s capable of. DOUGLAS Get to the point, would you. TOMMY SOMEONE thought he’d have a little fun and take some potshots outside Natalie’s house last night. Does John have a gun in the house? DOUGLAS Not that I know of. TOMMY I’m just letting you know. the wise is sufficient.

A word to

CUT TO: Douglas rushing around the house searching for hidden guns, in drawers, in cabinets, in closets. INT. DOUG'S ROOM - NIGHT Douglas paces in his room. He can hear Joe's boots clomping around the house. A crashing SOUND startles Douglas. He runs into the kitchen. DOUGLAS What was that? JOE Just a cup. A cup broke. Is there something wrong? You seem kind of jumpy. DOUGLAS (getting up his courage) It’s nothing. Well, no. Look, do you have a gun? JOE (truly shocked) A gun!?

86 DOUGLAS Your friend Tommy was here today… EXT.

JOHN'S BACKYARD - LATER

Douglas and Joe are drinking beer on the patio. DOUGLAS Well, I had to make sure. I mean I don't really know you that well. JOE With friends like that, who needs the National Barker? What bullshit. I cannot believe this bullshit. And now he's Natalie's big protector. Mr. Prissy Boy. I pulled a lot of favors to get him that fucking part! EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Joe paces the yard talking on the cellular phone as Douglas empties bags of steer onto the lawn. JOE Put Natalie on the phone, Tommy. I don't care. What are you doing up there at this hour anyway? No, I do not think you're boning my wife. She's got better taste than that and besides, you know I'd turn you into her Personal Eunuch. Douglas waters the lawn, like Lionel, in long pissing arcs. JOE What are you doing? DOUGLAS I'm trying to revive the lawn. John. When he gets back.

For

JOE You're wasting your time, buddy. He’ll never even notice the lawn. EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Douglas and Joe lounge by the pool.

87 JOE He was ground round when little Ms. Meat Grinder got through with him. And she left him flat as a patty. That's when he came out to L.A. to stay with us. We found him this house, so we could be neighbors. He even had a new girlfriend for a while. FADE TO: INT.

JULIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

John and his girlfriend, JULIE sit on her couch in romantic light. JOHN Julie, I have to tell you something. It may sound worse than it is. Look, my ex came out here for a while so I'm going to put her up at the house for a while 'til she gets settled. Julie jumps up, walks over to the front door and opens it. JULIE Get out. JOHN What? Oh c'mon honey, don't be like that. She's just a friend now. She doesn't mean anything to me. JULIE You heard me, John. Right now! INT.

Get out.

OUT!

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

John starts to pull the sheets out of the washer. Suddenly he groans and reaches for something to hold onto as he crumbles to the floor. ALEXANDRIA What's the matter now? JOHN My back went out. John lies on the floor, flat on his back. Alexandria steps over and around John's prostrate body as she continues cooking for the dogs. ALEXANDRIA You can get up now, John. I'm not falling for your dramatics.

88 JOHN I'm not faking this, Alex. pain.

I'm in

ALEXANDRIA What kind of man are you?. you.

Look at

JOHN Alex, I need to use the john. ALEXANDRIA So? Why are you telling me? yourself. You disgust me.

Get up

JOHN Maybe we should call a doctor. ALEXANDRIA It's all in your mind John. I'm leaving. I'm going back to Ziggy. Alexandria sets down the dogs’ bowls and storms out of the house. Alex!

JOHN Don't leave me like this! CUT TO:

John still lies on the floor. By the growth on his face, it's clearly days later. The dogs sniff and lick at him. JOHN Don't eat me! Don't eat me! Joe pushes the unlocked front door open. JOE Hello, John? Anybody home? Pablo and Picasso rush up and Joe tiptoes around the puddles and poop and swears when all of a sudden he sees John's body lying on the floor. Oh my God!

JOE John!

Are you okay?

JOHN (casually) Oh hi Joe. What's up? JOE John, what happened to you? JOHN It's nothing. My back went out.

89 JOE John, where's Julie? John starts crying as Joe helps him up. JOE Lean on me, John. God, you stink. How long have you been here like this? EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Joe is helping John into his Ranger. JOHN Don't forget the dogs! JOE I'll come back for them. John shakes his head. JOHN They haven't eaten in days. INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Joe runs into the house, looking for the dogs. JOE Pablo! Picasso! little shits?

Where are you

Joe runs into the Master bedroom and stops short when he discovers Alexandria's “Buddhist” alter. He kicks it, then lifts the alter over his head and smashes it to the ground and then stomps it to bits. INT.

JOE'S CAR - DAY JOE Why didn't you tell me Alex was back? JOHN I thought you'd be mad at me. JOE What am I going to do with you, John? And You were doing so well, too.

INT. JOE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Joe is tucking John into a guest room bed.

90 JOE They're just dogs, John. over it.

They'll get

JOHN You know, I cooked filet mignon for them last week. You should have seen their faces. John breaks down and weeps. EXT.

JOE'S HOUSE - DAY

Joe and John walk by the pool to the Jacuzzi. John hobbles leaning on a metal walker. Rufus & Rosie wear lampshades on their heads so they won't bite Pablo and Picasso. JOE You were finally involved with someone else and she could just smell it. You're her meal ticket, John, and she knows it. JOHN I thought it was over.

I really did. FADE TO:

EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY - PRESENT DAY Joe and Douglas are lounging in the Jacuzzi smoking cigars. DOUGLAS And he took her back again!! JOE Dogs get stuck. You've got to douse them with a bucket of cold water. And sometimes that doesn't even help. DOUGLAS So maybe Kinky sex is the attraction. JOE More like fatal attraction. "Devils of Mercy" gets greenlighted and SURPRISE! Alexandria is back. She must give incredible head, that's all I've got to say. DOUGLAS That has to be it. who likes her?

Is there anyone

91 JOE No one I know. And I hate that crowd of hers. Well you won’t have to worry about them anymore. Alexandria won't come near this place while I'm here. DOUGLAS And she came back without her precious dogs?! I can't believe it. JOE She cares about those dogs about as much as she cares about John. Which ain't two good shits. DOUGLAS So she just used them to get on the movie. And now poor Jamison's left to take care of them. He's going to love that. Joe's dog's suddenly start barking at the woods. JOE What's with them?

Rufus!

Rosie!

DOUGLAS Must be squirrels. We however, see the "DETECTIVE" Joe confronted at the bar on location, crouching in the bushes with a camera. The dogs keep barking. DOUGLAS I heard it's a real orgy up there. Joe is leafing through the National Star tabloid. JOE What? Oh. Well, pretty normal actually for a location shoot. I tried to be good though. I really did. If Natalie had come out none of this would have ever happened. Well, I didn't make this edition, knock on wood! Can you believe people read this shit? Joe throws the newspaper across the deck. THE DOORBELL RINGS, which begins A MONTAGE of Douglas opening the door for one sympathetic and beautiful woman after another bearing cakes or casseroles for Joe.

92 BEAUTIFUL GIRL How’s Joe? Is he Okay? Would you give him this for me? EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Douglas peeks out the back door as Joe sits in the Jacuzzi and parties with two women. EXT.

JOHN'S DRIVEWAY - DAY

Joe is leaving. His Ranger is filled with his stuff. Empty boxes and trash are strewn across the driveway. Douglas stands with the hose. JOE This is it! Off to my new bachelor pad. DOUGLAS Well, good luck! And who knows? Maybe you’ll get back together. JOE Natalie seems pretty set on a divorce. I’ll be back to clean up. DOUGLAS I’d appreciate that. JOE If not tomorrow, then Sunday. By the way, the master bedroom toilet is stopped up. Call Tiffany, she’ll arrange for a plumber. DOUGLAS She won’t do anything without his consent. JOE She’s my business manager, too. Tell her it was me who did it. She will understand. DOUGLAS You forgot your skis! Douglas surveys the house. Again it is a disaster area. Fine dinner plates caked with dog food are all over the house and yard. EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Alexandria and friends are arriving for a new party. TITLE - Chapter 8...........Fleas and Maggots

93 ALEXANDRIA What the hell is this hole? INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Alexandria and her friends sit drinking. Tension is thick as Douglas moves around the house pretending to be busy and ignoring them. ALEXANDRIA You were fantastic, Murray! MURRAY Nothing compared to you, your Highness. Vivien Leigh's got nothing on you. ALEXANDRIA I couldn’t have done it without your expert coaching. When John gets paid for this movie, I want to build Pablo and Picasso two of those luxury doghouses, side by side, with heat and air conditioning. LIONEL That’s a great idea, your Highness. ALEXANDRIA With little windows so they could peek out and an intercom so we could talk to them and cute little brass beds. Oh Douglas, is there something wrong with the toilet? Douglas ignores her. INT.

DOUG'S ROOM - NIGHT

Douglas is holed up in his room trying to ignore the SOUNDS of partying. There is a KNOCK on the door and Lionel walks in with a plate of food. LIONEL I thought you might like some dinner, so I saved you this. DOUGLAS Thanks, Lionel. I appreciate that. LIONEL I wish you’d make up with the women. You know things would be so much easier.

94 DOUGLAS Not after she used me the way she did. INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

A mess once more, with C.D.'s and bottles strewn around everywhere. Douglas surveys the party damage as he talks on the portable phone. DOUGLAS (plucking up courage) No. no one named Ziggy was here. But John, the dogs aren’t here anymore and I don't really understand why Alexandria should be coming here at all now. Wasn't the idea that she would be coming to visit the dogs? INTERCUT - JOHN ON LOCATION JOHN Well, more to the point, now that the dogs are here with me, I don’t really need you in the house. You’re there now purely out of kindness. John hangs up the phone. INT.

L.A. PRODUCTION COMPANY - DAY DOUGLAS Tell me Giorgia, am I just one more deluded Hollywood hanger-on? Have I become like one of those parasites? GIORGIA Don't even think like that! DOUGLAS Doesn’t he realize I handle things here for him every day. I mean, from earthquakes, brush fires, floods, rats! It’s a regular “plague of the week club” up there.

Douglas starts scratching himself. GIORGIA Stop scratching! You'll only make it worse. DOUGLAS I can't help it. It itches. Goddamn dogs. Fleas! Can you believe it? I had to bomb the house. I only wish they were real bombs.

95 INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

The doorbell rings.

Douglas opens the door for John's Mom and Dad.

DOUGLAS Welcome back to sunny California, Mrs. Masters! JOHN’S MOM (conspiratorially) Have you heard anything? DOUGLAS Nothing much. Except that John wants me out of the house now that Pablo and Picasso are with him. JOHN’S MOM (excitedly) That’s crazy. You take good care of the place for him. That doesn’t sound like my Johnnie. It’s her, that Maureen. She wants to move back in. You hear this, Sammy? She wants to take over this house. Don’t you let her! You stay right where you are! I’ll talk to my son. I won’t talk to him again if he lets her move back in. He won’t have a house to come back to if you leave. She’ll wreck the place with her wild parties. Has she brought over any guests for the night? DOUGLAS Not that I know of. JOHN’S MOM Well, if she does, you let me know. That would kill John. Especially if that old man… That Mr. Dog Trainer! If he came… She wouldn’t have the nerve. John would kill her if they were in his bed. EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

The house is quiet. Douglas strips and lowers himself into the steaming hot Jacuzzi. In his face, we see the tension relaxing. Suddenly at his feet, a curly tail rises from the water.

96 And then the bloated hairy body of a RAT! Douglas opens his eyes and seeing this LEAPS SCREAMING from the Jacuzzi. INT. JAMISON'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Jamison has obviously been woken from a deep sleep by the phone. JAMISON (on phone) Do you know what time it is, Doug? This better not be a joke. INT. INTERCUT -

DOUG'S ROOM - NIGHT

Douglas is standing on his bed.

The house is ablaze with light.

DOUGLAS (on phone) I wish I were joking. They’re everywhere. I can’t sleep. I hate rats. I've got all the lights on. JAMISON (offscreen on phone) You sure it’s more than one. DOUGLAS (on phone) More than one! Jesus, its a fucking army. They’re like mutated mirrors of Pablo and Picasso. And now I'm dreaming in Black and White! Back to Jamison JAMISON (on phone) Calm down man. We’ll handle it. DOUGLAS (offscreen on phone) Look, Don’t tell John about this. He’ll think it’s something I did. JAMISON (on phone) He won’t know. That’s all we need. Don’t worry. We’ll take care of it on the hush. Does the Painted Lady know? BACK to Douglas DOUGLAS (on phone) Fuck her. Rats are a blessing compared to her.

97 INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Douglas walks around the house with a guy in a jumpsuit with the words "EXTERMINATOR TOO" embroidered on the back. EXTERMINATOR TOO Yep, you're infested all right. There’s no poison involved and you won’t even see the traps. I’ll be back to check them in a few days. DOUGLAS Are they attracted to the dog shit smell? EXTERMINATOR TOO It’s possible. But next to upholstery, rats love boxes best. DOUGLAS Wow! EXTERMINATOR TOO You have to imagine this pool as a local watering hole. It’s good you called. If you’d thrown him in the trash, you’d have maggots in no time. DOUGLAS What about the pool?

Is it safe?

EXTERMINATOR TOO No problem. INT.

JOHN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

GERMAN SHEPHERDS with giant monster fangs attack people in "Night of the Killer Shrews", an old B&W horror movie on TV that Douglas is watching as he struggles to fight off falling asleep on the couch. CLOSE UP of a man’s lips. They part and whisper in a deep raspy voice. Everything continues through the following DREAM SEQUENCE in B & W. LIPS Rose Period… CLOSE UP of a man’s hand clutching a ball. ball rolls across the floor.

The hand goes limp and the

PABLO AND PICASSO come into the FRAME chasing the ball down the length of what we now see is John's dead body, old and bloated. WE SEE DOUGLAS from the back dressed as a reporter.

98 DOUGLAS Who was this guy? What made him tick? And who or what was this Rose Period? CLOSE-UP of ZIGGY as an old fashioned blustery business man. ZIGGY So you want to go on the newspaper! JOHN, bald, ruddy, and dressed like PABLO PICASSO, (the painter, not the dogs), stands in a striped t-shirt at a podium in front of a large crowd basking in THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE. Behind him is a huge hundred foot high distorted Cubist campaign portrait of John as Pablo Picasso with big floppy dog ears, and underneath the picture in big block letters the words, “KANINE”. ALEXANDRIA LOUNGES on the floor in front of the fireplace of John's living room, now grown to a towering height. Around her skirts are hundreds of pieces of a giant jigsaw puzzle. Enough has been put together that we recognize Picasso’s painting “Guernica”, except that the screaming villagers are now barking dogs. JAMISON, dressed as a very old man sits at a desk in a high rise. JAMISON I was at the gate when I saw her face in an airplane window. I wanted to stop that plane and get on. I wanted to do something, anything!. But I just stood there. The plane took off and I never saw her again… I'll never forget that French Poodle. Big fat MURRAY dressed as ORSON WELLES sits at a table in John’s living room with a dog bowl filled with Dog Food set out in front of him. He lifts up the bowl and swirls it around, taking in the aroma with his eyes closed and a look of bliss on his face. He slurps from the bowl, sets down the bowl, and opens his eyes. He holds up a can of Dog Food as if selling it in a commercial. DOUGLAS AND JAMISON stand at either side of the huge fireplace tossing file box after file box into the raging inferno. As we PULL IN CLOSER, they both grab one of John’s dogs and toss it into the furnace. The CAMERA follow the dogs into the flames. INT.

JOHN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Doug's sleeping face is smiling at the dream of the dogs burning. brushes his head, feeling something nibbling his hair.

He

99 DOUGLAS (still half asleep) Stop it Pablo. His eyes POP open.

The dogs aren’t here any more!

HE SHOOTS UP off the couch and to his feet with a SCREAM. A RAT flies off his head and across the room, lands and scurries away. EXT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Douglas walks around the house once again with "Exterminator Too". EXTERMINATOR TOO Rats are usually very shy. You must have a way with animals. This big fella won't be nibbling on your hair any more. You want to see? No. No! though.

DOUGLAS Thanks for coming out

EXTERMINATOR TOO No problem. Listen, I wonder if I could leave my headshot for Mr. Masters, when he comes back. INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY

Violet has returned again with Giorgia. Douglas & Giorgia talk while Violet prattles on phone to her boyfriend, Marty. DOUGLAS So I guess you're racking up those frequent flyer miles, hey Violet? VIOLET Nice to see you too, Doug. And I see the pit's still here. Good show! DOUGLAS I’m trying to get the Masons to come but I have to go through Tiffany, John's business manager who goes through Trixie, who represents Dixie, the agent, who represents Muffy the owner who has to file a claim. GIORGIA With Amber, the insurance agent. I get it. I thought John owned it.

100 VIOLET (on phone) Why don’t you come out here, Marty? No, I am not going to marry you. God! I've got a paper to finish! DOUGLAS So did I. But it’s a leaser and since it’s structural damage, he doesn’t want to pay for it. VIOLET (on phone) Look, I’ll come back. I’ll catch a flight tonight. DOUGLAS So, what would you ladies like for dinner? Violet? VIOLET What? Oh, I'll just have some Cocoa puffs. DOUGLAS Look, if you’re staying, you can’t live on Cocoa Puffs. VIOLET There’s nothing here I like. INT.

SUPERMARKET - DAY

Walking up to a supermarket checkout counter, Douglas notices with shock a picture of Joe and himself sitting in John’s Jacuzzi on the cover of the “National Barker” tabloid paper with the headline: "EXCLUSIVE POOLSIDE PICTURES!

JOE LOGAN AND HIS GAY LOVER”

Douglas maneuvers his body to block the paper from Giorgia and Violet, and the fact that he is pulling Food Stamps from his pocket. INT.

JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Douglas, Giorgia and Violet eat at the dining room table. DOUGLAS This is really delicious, Giorgia. GIORGIA What’s the matter, Violet? hungry?

Not

101 VIOLET I went to see my He told me I was Alexandria. How me? I’m nothing I?

psychiatrist today. acting like could he say that to like that bitch, am

DOUGLAS How does he know Alexandria? VIOLET He’s her psychiatrist too. And Daddy’s. And Joe’s, too and Natalie’s as a matter of fact. DOUGLAS Jesus, you should put him on retainer. EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Douglas and Giorgia stand by Giorgia’s car. DOUGLAS It's funny, even with all the craziness, I’ve gotten kind of attached to this place. But I have to find a new place soon. GIORGIA I'll keep my ears open. DOUGLAS I've got an idea! Why don't I move in with you? GIORGIA (laughing) I hope you're joking, Douglas. What?

DOUGLAS Is that so outrageous?

GIORGIA Goodnight Douglas. Douglas watches Giorgia drive away. INT. JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY Douglas walks back into the house. VIOLET My father told me there were rats up here.

102 DOUGLAS The rats are gone, Violet. VIOLET What about coyotes. DOUGLAS Scared one will eat you? even heard one.

I’ve never

VIOLET I should leave. I can’t stand L.A. Can you drive me to the airport? DOUGLAS Right now? Listen closely, Violet. I will drive you to the airport, but here are the rules. Once you shut the car door, there’s no turning back. And once I drop you off, no phone calls in the middle of the night from the airport, or anywhere else. INT. DOUG’S CAR - NIGHT Douglas drives Violet down the night highway. DOUGLAS You're pretty quiet tonight, Violet. VIOLET I'm just thinking about what Dr. Burns said. DOUGLAS Look, Violet. You grew up around Alexandria. It’s bound to rub off on you, but it’s not really you. You’re not her real daughter and she never treated you like one. You can just decide not to be like Alexandria. She can’t change, but you can. INT.

PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY

Douglas enters. GIORGIA Well, if it isn’t Joe Logan’s gay lover. DOUGLAS Very funny.

103 GIORGIA I got a call in the middle of the night from our little friend. Don't worry. She's gone. DOUGLAS John will be disappointed. I know he wanted her to stay until he got back. INT. JOHN’S HOUSE - DAY MONTAGE of Doug's final days and final cleanup of John's house. Bookcases fill up. Boxes disappear. The kitchen sparkles. The lawns are bright green. Everything looks great, except for the gaping pit at the front door. Douglas looks around the place one last time, drops the key under the mat and leaves. The house is quiet. TITLE - Chapter 9...........The Stink The door opens and PABLO AND PICASSO run into the house. We see JOHN'S FEET enter behind them but then we're FOLLOWING THE DOGS as they do their doggie snooping and sniffing all over the house. PABLO AND PICASSO RUN into the yard where they find a hole next to the house. PABLO AND PICASSO CRAWL under the house and chase through tunnels. Finally they GROWL as they come face to face with a cornered animal, its eyes shining in the darkness of the tunnel. There is the SOUND of animals fighting and John's VOICE YELLING. INT.

PRODUCTION COMPANY - DAY

John, dirty and dressed in clothes that are covered with dirt and a strange yellow slime, enters and walks past Giorgia and Corrie. GIORGIA Welcome back, John! As John passes by. Giorgia and Corrie look at each other in questioning horror, cover their faces and run for the bathroom. Fred the Producer bursts out of his office. FRED THE PRODUCER What the hell is that smell? Giorgia and Corrie come back from the bathroom with wet paper towels over their faces.

104 It's John. skunked.

CORRIE I think he's been

FRED THE PRODUCER And you let him in? CORRIE He's the director! What are we supposed to say? "Excuse me, you stink, I'll have to ask you to leave?" GIORGIA How can we work when he smells so bad? FRED THE PRODUCER Giorgia, run out and get some rose incense or something. INT.

EDITING SUITE - DAY EDITOR What is that horrible smell? JOHN What smell? EDITOR Like a skunk. JOHN Oh, that. Pablo and Picasso got sprayed by a skunk this morning. I must have got some on my clothes. EDITOR You didn’t notice the smell? JOHN I've been coming down with a cold. EDITOR And you didn’t bother to change? You have to wash your clothes in tomato juice. The dogs, too. JOHN They hate tomatoes.

A MAN peeks in the door. MAN Someone die in here?

105 Thank-you.

EDITOR Not yet.

A cheerful young actress, ANGIE, walks in. one of John’s conquests.

She’s obviously a visitor,

ANGIE They told me at the desk... Angie! came.

JOHN Come right in.

I’m glad you

John jumps up and crosses the room to give her a warm Hollywood embrace. As he holds her in a big hug, Angie’s face over his shoulder widens in shock and disgust as she gets hit by the smell. Finally, to Angie’s relief, John breaks the hug. majestically across the room.

He sweeps his arms

JOHN This is where it all happens! As John walks down the hall, people come out of their offices holding their noses. They point and stare but John is oblivious. INT.

JOHN'S OFFICE - DAY

All the windows are open. JOHN We can’t cut it. her.

Fred is mad. It would devastate

FRED THE PRODUCER Look, John, we invested a whole day on a scene that has nothing to offer this picture! But we did it because it made her happy and that made you happy and that made us happy. But now difficult decisions have to be made. JOHN That scene stays or I go.

106 FRED THE PRODUCER Again with ultimatums! I seem to remember a Director who walked off his film two weeks into production to chase his girlfriend and her lover clear across the country? You were washed up. Ten years, no one would touch you! But me, with my big heart, I gave you a chance! And now you’d throw it all away for a lousy dream sequence? Take a break, John. Go to the Caribbean. Take a vacation. But first, take a bath. INT.

JOHN'S BATHROOM - DAY

Douglas holds down Pablo and Picasso in the tub while Jamison pours canned tomato juice over them. INT.

JOHN'S KITCHEN - DAY

Douglas walks in from the bathroom. Alexandria's incense.

John is lighting some of

DOUGLAS They'll be fine. They're just a little spooked. JOHN I thought you said the exterminator plugged up all the possible holes. DOUGLAS He said he did. JOHN I’ve got to be honest with you, Doug. It upsets me that I got back here and there were no extra light bulbs in the house. And the refrigerator is empty! DOUGLAS There was nothing in it when you left. JOHN That’s not the point. courtesy.

It’s common

DOUGLAS I think you assume that everyone is rich.

107 JOHN And didn't I have more mugs? It seems to me there are coffee cups missing. And I can't find all my CD's. DOUGLAS You'll have to take that up with all your other guests. JOHN And by the way, I found rat traps still set in the garage. DOUGLAS The exterminator told me he removed them all. JOHN Ah, the exterminator's fault again! Well, the fact is he didn’t. And neither did you. The fact is Pablo and Picasso could have been killed. DOUGLAS Sometimes I think you care more about those dogs than you do about people. JOHN At least I have something to care about. I have someone to love. What do you have? But life is too short to hold grudges, Douglas. So I forgive you. INT. JOHN'S OFFICE - DAY DOUGLAS Forgives me! Can you imagine? I felt like saying, How do you like your new lawn, asshole? And he’s pissed because he had to buy condiments. You know we really should write a book! “Life With Pablo And Picasso.”! Excuse me, "Life with Poop and Piss"! GIORGIA God knows you’ve got enough materiel. DOUGLAS But who would believe it? You’ve got the right idea, moving back to Oregon. I’ve just about had it with this movie business.

108 GIORGIA Just steer clear of John for a while. He’ll cool off. You really should come to the wrap party though. Everyone will be there. DOUGLAS Everyone on the show I never worked on. And anyway, he didn't invite me. TITLE - Chapter 10...........The Pomeranians INT.

JOHN' HOUSE - DAY

The cast party is in full swing! Everybody is attending. The CAST AND CREW of John's movie. All of ALEXANDRIA'S FRIENDS. Even the GARDENER. Alexandria's incense is burning everywhere, to hide the traces of skunk smell noticed at times by passing partygoers. Signs are everywhere warning guests to keep doors closed because of dogs and to be careful not to step on dogs. John seems to have redecorated the place in a topsy-turvy way. Giorgia's little domestic touches are gone. The giant TV is in front hall. The living room rug and couch criss-cross the room diagonally. JOE COMES IN the door with his two dates, CHANTAL AND MANON! JOE You're gonna love this party. tell you John speaks French?

Did I

CHANTAL C’est estrange. I am never in L.A., but this place is very familiar. GIORGIA APPROACHES JAMISON. JAMISON What happened to this place? GIORGIA John redecorated himself. JAMISON Early Funhouse! Love it. A CREW GUY APPROACHES JOHN on the patio. CREW GUY Great party, John!

109 JOHN (to Jamison) Thanks! What's he doing here? thought I told you, no crew!

I

Jamison shrugs. MANON AND CHANTAL spot the dogs and then John. exchange a look of shocked recognition.

The two French girls

JOE Shit! It’s those god damned dogs again. Keep them away from me. PABLO AND PICASSO WANDER through many legs. cowboy boots, lift their legs, and piss.

They stop at Joe's fancy

THE BORING GUY is here too and he's cornered Fred the Producer. BORING GUY …on a stoop. And I say, “Hey, Marlon! Remember me? We met at Cannes”… EVERYONE CROWDS AROUND the giant TV in the front hall watching the gag reel. We hear the line, "Who do I have to fuck to get my dogs on this movie?", and everyone laughs. JOHN SUDDENLY TURNS PALE as his MOM AND DAD enter the front door. JOHN Who invited my mother?! JAMISON She’s on the permanent computer list at the gate, John. JOHN O.K. This just calls for some quick thinking. Jamison, your job is to keep my mother, Alex, and Violet all away from each other. VIOLET WALKS UP TO GIORGIA. VIOLET Where’s Douglas? GIORGIA He couldn’t make it. JAMISON WALKS OVER TO VIOLET. JAMISON Now Violet, I don't want any scenes.

110 VIOLET I'll be good, Daddy.

I pwomise!

JAMISON Cut it out, Violet. VIOLET Why? You gonna give me a great big spanking? I might wike that! LIONEL CORNERS JOHN. LIONEL Now I just love the diagonal rug. It's super. Really brilliant. JOE WALKS UP to NATALIE and her handsome date, EXTERMINATOR TOO! JOE So aren't you going to introduce me to Mr. Summer Day Care? MURRAY POUNDS on the bathroom door. MURRAY Please hurry! It's an emergency. INT. BATHROOM Violet is on the phone talking, and sitting on the edge of the tub. VIOLET No way! Marty and I are old news. How about if I come back East? I’ll catch a flight tonight. MURRAY SNEAKS off and runs into the woods. JOHN is talking to LAWYER #1 and LAWYER #2. JOHN Oh, and wait till you see Alexandria. She really gets to shine in this. CORRIE HOVERS over her little boy as he plays with Pablo and Picasso. FRED THE PRODUCER, in his party PJ’s, stands with Jamison at the bar. JAMISON Can I get you a drink? FRED THE PRODUCER I’ll have a sparkling water.

111 Sorry.

JAMISON How about a cola?

No thanks. free?

FRED THE PRODUCER Why all the caffeine

JAMISON That’s what John drinks. FRED THE PRODUCER Is there anything else? JAMISON Doesn’t appear to be. water.

Just chemical

FRED THE PRODUCER Then I’ll just have a beer. No beer.

JAMISON John only drinks wine.

FRED THE PRODUCER How considerate. MURRAY is in the woods peeing on a little tree. startled to see Pablo and Picasso watching him.

Suddenly he's

JOE WALKS UP to the snack table and picks up a giant bowl of bagels. JOE AND HIS ACTOR BUDDIES are tossing bagels from the giant bowl across the backyard to Pablo and Picasso. There are so many that the dogs are going nuts trying to keep up. MURRAY STANDS by the empty snack table. He notices Pablo and Picasso eating plates of chips and guacamole, potato salad and soda. MURRAY Is there any more dip? VIOLET I'll check in the kitchen. VIOLET is in the kitchen opening cans of dog food and glopping it onto a fancy serving bowl. MARTY watches. VIOLET I saw this in a movie once. VIOLET CARRIES the bowl of Dog Food out to the snack table where all the guests pounce on it. Murray is first and fills a big plate. CHANTAL Paté de bouef!

112 MURRAY Thank you Violet!

So sweet of you.

FRED TASTES the dip and spits into a napkin. FRED THE PRODUCER Shit! JAMISON That's probably what it is. JOE CONFRONTS TOMMY by the pool and shoves him to the edge as he speaks. JOE Hi Tommy. Remember me? Mr. Stupid? But I figured it out. There never was any detective, was there? It was you, wasn't it? Joe backs Tommy to the edge and pushes him into the pool. ALEXANDRIA APPROACHES JOHN. ALEXANDRIA John I need to talk to you. JOHN Not now honey. We have guests. Can’t this wait. ALEXANDRIA No, I’ve waited long enough. I know how much money you made on this movie and half of it belongs to me. JOHN You’re crazy! ALEXANDRIA Could we get some privacy? OK

JOHN We’ll go in here

They go into the master bedroom. Out in the living room, there is an embarrassed SILENCE as the guests can hear the SOUND of John and Alexandria SCREAMING. Now there are CRASHES of things breaking. Joe and Natalie exchange glances. PABLO AND PICASSO LIE in front of the door with their heads in their paws, whimpering. Only the Lawyers are enjoying this. ALEXANDRIA comes storming out with John at her heels.

113 JOHN Over my dead body. those dogs.

You'll never get

Alexandria picks up the two dogs.

John and Alexandria face off.

JOHN Put the dogs down! ALEXANDRIA Try and make me! JOHN Hold that thought. Okay! over. EVERYBODY OUT!

Party’s

John and Alexandria go at each other in a ravenous and passionate embrace, tearing at each other’s clothes. JAMISON is at the door moving the embarrassed guests out. exits.

Violet

VIOLET Can you drive me to the airport? JAMISON Sorry, Violet. I’m off tonight. EXT.

BEACH PARKING LOT - SUNSET

Douglas watches the sunset from his car He is eating chili out of a can. It's obvious from the furnishings that he’s living in his car. LONG SHOT of the parking lot - TIME-LAPSE to NIGHT. EXT.

BEACH PARKING LOT - SUNRISE

Photographers and models at the beach by the Santa Monica pier dance around, taking advantage of the beautiful sunrise. Douglas watches from his car as he wakes up. INT.

JOHN MASTERS’ HOUSE - DAY

Douglas stands by Jamison who is on the floor installing a doggie door. JAMISON I’m supposed to be in the Editing room and instead I’m up here building a god damned doggie door. DOUGLAS What about skunks?

114 JAMISON It’s got a special skunk-free sensor. DOUGLAS No mess? Douglas is helping himself to leftovers out of the fridge. He sniffs the fancy bowl full of dog food, grimaces and puts it back. JAMISON I made him hire a maid service. They've already been and gone. Douglas surveys the burnt yellow lawn through the back windows. DOUGLAS Hey, didn’t you tell me you have other job offers? JAMISON Yeah, but it’s just not my style to leave without notice. I’m going to talk to him about it. DOUGLAS Look Jamison, loyalty is very admirable, but it cuts both ways. feels no loyalty to you.

He

JAMISON I know that. Well look, if you want to take a swim, take it now. I’m expecting him back in a few hours. DOUGLAS Someday Jamison, we’ll both wear pajamas during the day! Suddenly they hear a car pulling up the driveway JAMISON Shit, that’s him! John comes in. At first everything is calm. to him to say hello.

Pablo and Picasso run up

JOHN Hi, Douglas. How’s it going? John spots the dirty plate Douglas ate from. Douglas.

He turns to face

115 JOHN (building to a violent rage) What are you doing up here? Did you call Jamison? Did he know you were coming up here? DOUGLAS Yeah, I did. I came up to visit him. JOHN Well, that doesn't matter. No one comes into my house without telling me. No one. Not even my daughter! It’s an invasion of privacy. Get out! Go get a life, Douglas. You may want mine but you can't have it! I want you OUT! Right now! Douglas hastily leaves.

Jamison calls out to him.

JAMISON I’ll see you in town. John turns now to Jamison. JOHN You've made a big mistake Jamison. JAMISON Doug did call me. JOHN I'm talking about telling Fred that all I was using you for was to take care of the dogs. And you’ve become the first of the budget cuts. Now what am I going to do? INT.

GIORGIA’S APARTMENT - DAY

Giorgia and Douglas are drinking wine.

Douglas is venting.

DOUGLAS Boy, I really thought for a second he was going to slug me back there! GIORGIA I really don't think John has one truly malicious bone in his body. means well. He's just oblivious.

He

116 DOUGLAS He always means well. Look, I know it wasn’t John's fault there were no more jobs open. He let me house-sit for him. Fine. I was supposed to be grateful and I was. But I ended up being Mr. Pooper Scooper for his whole family and half of Hollywood. GIORGIA You did put up with a lot. DOUGLAS And what do I have to show for it? Nothing. But some day somebody’s going to teach that guy a lesson. GIORGIA He’ll never learn. A guy like that can always find someone to clean up his messes after him. DOUGLAS And he thinks he's made War and fucking Peace. Hello? It's just a mini-series! It's the same tripe. Same can, different label. But the ingredients are all the same. Blood, guts and gristle. 100% Beef byproducts processed on the assembly line of the Dog Food Dream Factory! GIORGIA Corrie says what she's seen looks great. DOUGLAS I rest my case. So how was the party? GIORGIA Oh, you didn't miss much. DOUGLAS You know what his real problem is? He’s never been paper-trained. He can’t control his balls or his bowels. He passes himself off as a great genius and that gives him the right to shit on everyone. I’m sorry, I must sound a little crazy. GIORGIA I think you’re kind of sexy when you get psychotic. I like it!

117 DOUGLAS Really? Gee, I guess I should lose it more often. GIORGIA Have you ever considered that maybe John WANTED you in the house, taking care of his dogs. I've got a news flash for you, Doug. If John had wanted you on the show, believe me, you would have been. DOUGLAS Of course! Earth to Doug. He’s the director, isn't he?. What a dope I am! GIORGIA You’re a sweet dope though honey. DOUGLAS A sweet psychotic dope? Thanks. Somebody ought to do something about that guy. GIORGIA Somebody really ought to do something about those dogs. They look at each other with a conspiratorial smile. FADE TO BLACK: TITLE - Chapter 11...........Pablo & Picasso FADE IN: EXT.

WOODEN HILLS GATEHOUSE - EARLY MORNING

Douglas and Giorgia sit in his car by the side of the road just out of sight of the gatehouse. On the SOUNDTRACK, a “Mission Impossible” kind of music begins. GIORGIA Did you eat your spinach? The beeper sitting on the dashboard BEEPS. DOUGLAS That’s Jamison’s signal! is clear. Douglas drives up to the gatehouse. through. INT.

JOHN MASTERS’ HOUSE - DAY

The coast The Guard passes him right

118 Douglas and Giorgia stuff Pablo and Picasso into their travel cages. Douglas drops the dogs’ license tags onto the kitchen table. EXT.

JOHN MASTERS’ HOUSE - DAY

Douglas and Giorgia stuff the travel cages into the back seat of his Yugo and cover them with a blanket. They drive up to the gatehouse exit and both wave as Ned the guard passes them through and out. EXT.

ON THE ROAD - DAY

Douglas and Giorgia are driving out of the city with Pablo and Picasso barking in the back seat. Douglas turns up the volume on the radio. EXT.

FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - DAY

Douglas is parked at a fast food restaurant. Pablo and Picasso are eating chili dogs from paper plates on the asphalt. DOUGLAS Well, guys. This is probably your last fast food. Giorgia laughs. EXT.

COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

Driving through the country now. sticking out of the car windows. faces. EXT.

Pablo and Picasso have their heads The wind blows in their little

ROADSIDE AT FARM - DAY

Douglas stops the car by a fruitstand.

A FARMER stands by the road.

DOUGLAS (to the dogs) Quiet down now! Let’s make a good impression. (to the farmer) Hi there. You got a minute? FARMER What can I do for you? DOUGLAS Listen, I’ve got a couple of dogs here I’m giving away. Are you interested?

119 FARMER Well, let’s take a look. small, ain’t they?

Awfully

DOUGLAS Well they’re city dogs, but don’t let that fool you. I’m giving them their freedom. FARMER Well, I got two dogs now. Bear for huntin' and Cecil for the sheep. But the wife'd prob'ly like a little critter around the house. I’ll take one off your hands. DOUGLAS I don’t think I can do that. They’re brothers. They’ve never been apart. FARMER Well, sorry. I can’t help you. Two more mouths to feed is a little much. Douglas starts the car and begins to pull away. after him to stop and runs up next to the car.

The farmer yells

FARMER Look, on second thought, I’ll take 'em both. Douglas and the farmer stand by the car. Picasso on leashes.

The farmer has Pablo and

DOUGLAS Here are their papers. Extra leashes. These travel cages will come in handy. FARMER Won’t be needing those. O.K. then. Picasso.

DOUGLAS Good-bye Pablo and

Douglas pets the dogs good-bye. FARMER We’ll take good care of them. DOUGLAS I’m sure you will.

120 Douglas watches the farmer drag the dogs toward the barn and around the back. They disappear from sight. Turning his face to the sun, Douglas takes a deep breathe and sighs a deep sigh of satisfaction. DOUGLAS God, I can breathe again! Douglas scans the scenery. Beautiful fields with mountains in the distance. It starts to rain. Suddenly there is a load POP like a GUNSHOT. and Douglas stares in shock at the barn.

It ECHOES in the valley

DOUGLAS Oh no! He runs toward the barn, around it, and is shocked at what he sees. The rain comes down harder. He yells at the farmer in horror. DOUGLAS How could you do that?!! The one remaining dog barks, as the farmer, shotgun slung over his back, drags him back to the house. The farmer turns back matter-offactly. FARMER I told you. Only needed one. Douglas is tongue-tied. DOUGLAS Are you just gonna leave him there? The farmer turns around and walks over to the barn. that is leaning there and passes it to Douglas.

He grabs a shovel

FARMER Be my guest. The farmer then turns and walks back toward the house. His WIFE is at the door. She lets him and their new pet in and closes the door. EXT.

DOGGIE GRAVESITE - DUSK

Douglas pounds the dirt on the fresh little grave with the shovel. It has stopped raining now. Douglas looks bedraggled, tired and dirty. He stands at the head of the little dirt mound DOUGLAS Here lies Pablo or maybe Picasso. Never could tell them apart. Victim of a foul deed. He only wanted to be a dog, but no one would let him. And now, he’s food for worms.

121 EXT.

ROADSIDE AT FARM - DUSK

Douglas gets into his car. yelling.

From the house, he hears the FARMER’S WIFE

FARMER’S WIFE Bad doggie! Bad! And on my brand new carpet! Douglas shakes his head as he starts the car A GIANT EXPLOSION as the car bursts into flames. INT.

MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Douglas wakes with a SCREAM.

Giorgia and Douglas are in bed together.

GIORGIA Dougie, what’s wrong. DOUGLAS What a terrible dream! dogs?

Where are the

GIORGIA They’re right here, Dougie. right here.

They’re

The dogs scramble up into bed with them. It was just a DREAM.

Douglas sighs with relief.

DOUGLAS Are you sure we’re doing the right thing? GIORGIA Try and get some sleep baby. got a long drive tomorrow.

We’ve

Pablo and Picasso are asleep peacefully, curled up together at the foot of the bed. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. MOTEL - DAY In dreamy SLOW MOTION, Giorgia stands in the sunlit parking lot in a bright summer dress playing with hula hoops. She spins one around her hips and juggles smaller ones. She holds up hoops and Pablo and Picasso jump back and forth through them. Douglas comes out of their motel room with a suitcase. Giorgia and the dogs. Bravo!

DOUGLAS How did you…

He watches

122 GIORGIA They’re naturals, I guess. DOUGLAS Who knew? Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Douglas claps his hands and scoots Pablo and Picasso into the car. Douglas and Giorgia sit side by side in the front seats of the car. A look of uncertainty passes over both their faces. Corrie leans over and kisses Douglas as Pablo and Picasso look on. Doug starts the car. EXT.

HIGHWAY INTERCHANGE ENTRANCE -- DAY

One sign points SOUTH to L.A., the other sign points NORTH. Douglas' car seems to hesitate, swerves, but turns onto the ramp heading north. As the sun glows on the highway, we hear Jonathan Richman’s song “PABLO PICASSO” and the following text SCROLLS up the SCREEN: Doug Ford moved to Ashland, Oregon where he became a vocal animal activist. He is currently a guest of the State serving a short term in connection with the break-in and raid of a cosmetic animal testing lab. “Life With Poop and Piss” will be published in the Fall. Giorgia also moved to Ashland where she performs with Pablo and Picasso at local schools and hospitals. She is married to Douglas and she visits him at prison every weekend Joe and Natalie have divorced. Joe won full custody of their little boy and has moved to Montana where he raises cattle. Jamison lives in Prague with Chantal and Manon, who have encouraged him to pursue his dream of being an expatriate painter. Corrie quit her job to manage her son's burgeoning acting career. Exterminator Too is engaged to Natalie Brooks and is currently directing her newest project. Violet Masters used her frequent flyer points to go to India and find inner peace. She stayed one day. John and Alexandria Masters got back together, and after mourning the loss of Pablo and Picasso, whose fate they never learned, purchased two Charpeis. “The Devils of Mercy” was a critical and commercial bomb. However, it has achieved a certain Cult status as one of the turkeys of all time.

123 “Frontier Dog - The Movie”, starring Natalie Brooks, is currently in production. LOOK FOR IT SOON AT A THEATER NEAR YOU! FIN